Monday, August 23, 2004


I went to a Bais Yaakov elementary school. By 8th grade, I was sick of it. I wanted out. I chose the most modern high school in my nieghborhood and tried it out for a year. It was hellish. After 9th grade, I had a decision to make. Stick it out 3 more miserable years, or go back to that Bais Yaakov with the hideous uniform and insanely restrictive rules.

You guessed it. I decided to go back to the Bais Yaakov. During my decision period, I remember telling people, "it's not a matter of whether they'll take me back, it's a matter of whether I want to go." Idiot. I had only been there all my life, and had connections with the principal, so I thought it wouldn't be major. When they heard I wanted to come back, their initial reaction was, "absolutely not. You go to a modern school and then want to come back here? No way." Don't mind the fact that the building fund my parents paid all those years built the high school. Or the fact that I had attended that school all my life. Here's the kicker. I went to the modern school, and I am asking to come back to a Bais Yaakov school. Do the math. That means I got my rebellious stuff out of my system and I am ready to be subject to your tyranny. If anything, you should want me more now than you did after 8th grade, where I still had all my rebellion ready and rearin' to go. But, I guess not.

I used every connection I had. I was told that the only way I had a chance to get back in was if my friends left. "If you come back in, you will strengthen the bad group, which they are trying to eradicate." Thanks. I appreciate honesty, so I am glad this messanger delivered the message loud and clear. By the way, they were stuck on the wrong group. My group's problem was that we listen to Goyish music, and watch TV, and don't lie about it, oh, and none of our parents donated $30,000 to the school. The other group that they loved, (besides the real frum kids, whom i love) was the rich snobby fakers. They were involved with boys, hanging out Motzei Shabbos, etc. They didn't get in trouble because their parents paid for the whole damn school, so they put a blind eye to that. Anyway, luckily, the real bad seeds in my group left, so i was allowed an interview.

I showed up in a consipucously pinned blouse, a uniform skirt, (the only one I had that wasn't denim, not too long, or didn't have a slit. I'm a goyte, what can I tell you) mid-calf socks, and sneakers. Not a stitch of make-up. That was the fakest I should ever have to be. Amen. Then i lied about how I don't want to watch TV anymore, and I am stopping to listen to goyishe music, and all that garbage they wanted to hear. They reluctantly accepted me on probation.

You'll hear more of my HS experiences as the blog goes on.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

What do girls want on dates?

My brother suggested I write this, so I figure I'll give it a shot. Also be aware that I am weird, and that most people that read my site are girls, but whatever.

1) When you call us, be friendly. I know you don't know who we are. Make believe you do. And don't hang up after 2 minutes. Be involved in the conversation. Don't sound half-dead.

2) After the phone call, don't make expectations. Why should you expect me to be something I'm not, come with the wrong expectation, and be too biased to see it any other way?

3) Open the car door for us. It's so put on, but it's not polite if you don't. And hopefully there are no stupid feminists who would get all upset, "I can open my OWN door. I'm not a weakling, you know!" GET A LIFE.

4) It's nice when you ask if we're cold. Chances are, we're freezing and too shy to say so.

5) Say "please" and "thank you." We're always told to look out for that, I am warning you NOW.

6) Tell me where we're going. I don't like surprises. I need to know what to anticipate. (Ok, not everyone's neurotic like me)

7) If we go out to eat, don't order spaghetti, unless you're really talented. Or you're on date # 8 1/2.

8) If we're at a lounge, don't look around at the other couples on a shidduch date to see if they're having a better time, or the girls your buddies are out with are prettier. Am I that freakin' hideous?

9) On the way back, it's okay if there is something some people like to call "awkward silences." First of all, if there will be a second date, you don't wanna run dry. Second, if you're confident enough, it's not THAT awkward. Granted, it's uncomfortable, but not awkward. It's also possible you ran dry from those 3 hours sitting alone with someone you may have nothing in common with.

10) If you're interested in seeing us again, let us know subtly. If we don't get the hint, we'll get the message from the shadchan, but it doesn't hurt. When I said, "So, we'll be in touch with the shadchan," and reported back to my 'mentor', she yelled, "You showed you were interested!" Another 'mentor' interpreted it as, "Ok, so you're saying you're keeping it formal with the shadchan." I'm sure he didn't analyze that statement. Just went home and said his date "went well" or "was fine."

11) In terms of getting out of the car and walking us to the door, I never had that experience. He wasn't trained well enough. But my friends reported each time the guy walked her closer. "The first time, he walked me to my lawn. Then to the steps. Then up the stairs..." I'm sure the guy didn't do that intentionally, but girls who tend to be analytical, measure the status of the relationship through the distance from the door.


People are so against Vorts. Why?!
I don't get it. Vorts are a good opportunity to show off your less-better half. (KIDDING!) and get presents. And you have an excuse to dress up and look pretty.
There are a few arguments against them:
1) Waste of time.
Solution: come in a coat with your pajamas under. I don't care. Come wish the choson and kallah mazal tov, and be on your way.
2) They become too fancy. Whose fault is that? YOURS, because you feel the need to keep up with the Joneses.
Solution: Celebrate within your means, and don't invite the fancy people.
Alternate: Rob a bank.
3) There are so many other Simchas....
Solution: Don't show up.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


2 women asked me information about the same girl, a few weeks apart from each other. "Boy, she gets around," was my initial reaction.(Not in a bad way,I actually like this kid) Someone overheard who was asking, and immediately dismissed it. "They're just being set up because they're both short," he observed. Then it dawned on me. The previous woman's son was also unusually shrimpy. So they're setting up 2 short people. "Oh, you live in Brooklyn? Do you know John Smith?" What the hell. Doesn't matter what their personalities are like, or their hashkafos. They're short. Let's waste 3 hours of their lives. BTW, if either one works out, you can call me an idiot.
People do the same thing with heavy people. "He's heavy, she's heavy, why don't we set them up?" Doesn't matter that they have absolutely nothing in common, besides for physicality, let's waste 3 hours of THEIR lives,too. "
While they're at it, people set up children from divorced home with others from divorced homes. Now my question is, has there been a couple set up that one is fat and the other skinny, both from divorced homes?

Sunday, August 08, 2004


Do you know why so many frum teenage girls go through such massive identity crises in high school? We're all expected to look the same, act the same, speak the same, and BE the same. My school had rules like, "no pigtail braids" (well, that's because a slutty-lookin' kid wore them to school once and was almost picked up on the way--j/k) "no printed socks" and no "sneakerish" shoes.

That kid came in with a full face of make-up--which understandably was not allowed, especially with kids like her in the school--and pigtail braids. Wow. I was even taken aback from that. So, fine, I get that.

The sock thing? What the hell could have been on the kid's sock already that you had to outlaw printed socks? not even a stripe going up the leg. Nothing. Bad enough we had a butt-ugly uniform, and rules about our hair. So some people figured, I'll make a statement with my socks. No can do.

So they went lower, and aimed for the shoes. One kid had light blue shoes, (which TOTALLY clashed, by the way) and was told not to wear them anymore. Since we had maroon stripes on our uniform, some kids bought red shoes. Those were outlawed, too. It was so sad, like a slow news day, when the principal stood up and announced a rule about SHOES. "Girls, there should be no light-colored shoes worn, or any red shoes, and girls, we're really going to enforce this--no 'sneakerish' shoes are to be worn to school. I don't care if they're shoes, and they look like sneakers. If they slightly resemble sneakers, you'll be told not to wear them anymore, and possibly be sent home." For real. This really happened. I'm not lying, folks.

What's left??? Hair accessories? Those were sluttier than the red stripe on the sock, trust me. How is one to assume her own identity?? There's no way to express herself. What if she doesn't fit into that restrictive mold?? They either try to shove her harder and harder until she cracks, or she gives up.

I gave up. According to them, I cracked, but whatever. Shockingly, I wear slits (basically due to spite), but I never look nearly as slutty as the pigtail braid kid looked in her BAIS YAAKOV UNIFORM! Nice try.

Brooklyn College

I have 2 things to say about Brooklyn College. One, why it's assur. Two, why I'm ignored. Here goes:

When I was in high school, and I was asked what my plans for next year were, I said, "Seminary and College," since my principals were expecting Touro, they casually asked, "Which one?" "Brooklyn," I responded proudly. You shoulda seen their jaws drop. It was beautiful. I was summoned to the office, and I was informed that Brooklyn College is "Tarfus" and is a terrible atmosphere becuase of what we learn, and the fact that boys and girls come within a 10-foot-radius of each other. On the same day. (gasp) How do you think YOU got here, lady? Okay, considering I had an extremely perverted professor in my second semester, I knew what she was talking about. Need I say it? We live in America. I made the decision to attend Brooklyn College, I knew I was to be exposed to this, and I was okay with it. It's not like I was one of those troubled teens, believe it or not. I wasn't begging my ultra-yeshivish parents to let me go to Brooklyn College so I'd come home pregnant. I'm a good kid who can't stand JAPs and paying $10,000 tuition. My parents trust me attending Brooklyn College (but were afraid to tell these people.) I'm not saying it's for everyone. There are definitely those kids who came close to being kicked out of a Bais Yaakov school, and would end up pregnant. They should go to Touro. They don't care about the japs anyway.

Speaking of Japs, I have a whole theory. I know I said Touro is Jappy, but so is Brooklyn. In Touro, it's exclusively japs for the most part. In Brooklyn, they're outnumbered by the African-Americans, Latinas, Asian-Americans, and other Goyim. All the more reason to want to stick together. I can spot a Jew 10,000 miles away. If we cross paths, I smile at her and hope that she'll respond. I say hello to people I know from the community. NOTHIN. HELLO? I kinda feel some kinship, some, "We're in this together" type of thing. NOTHIN. Thanks. Did you get lost on your way to Touro? Miss short-skirt-with-nude stockings-and shoes?? It's usually my fellow denim-skirters who sometimes emit a response. Thanks ;-)

Monday, August 02, 2004

Cholov Yisroel Milk

I am often shot down for insisting on buying Chalav Stam milk. "I'd like my milk to last for more than 30 seconds, thank you very much," I politely respond. Then people tell me, "don't you get suspicious why the Chalav Stam milk lasts so much longer? Maybe they add something to it!!"
Legally, it has to be cow's milk. There is a hechsher on the bottle. I am doing my part.
I just want to know what the Cholov Yisroel people are doing to their milk to make it go bad after 1 day.
If we leave Chalav Stam milk in the house over Shabbos, when we come back, it's still drinkable---even sometimes beyond the expiration date. You're lucky if Chalav Yisroel milk makes it to the expiration date--even the NYC one!
Therefore, I insist on buying Chalav Stam.
Some people eat anything Chalav Stam but insist on drinking Cholov Yisrael milk because that's what they're used to. I'll make one exception. ;-)

More on Milk

Too many people request "green milk" in their coffee nowadays. What is green milk? Do you mean the milk with the green cap? Be careful what you wish for. Those of you who enjoy spoiled milk, aka Chalav Yisrael, think that green milk is Skim Milk. In your world it is. My brother and I recently bought milk at Target. Look at the irony-the green milk is the 2%, and the blue one is skim!! What's a girl to do?? What about becoming a smidgen more intelligent and referring to milk by their fat %: Skim/Fat Free, 2%, 1%, and whole.
I was recently visiting a friend. Her sister sat down to a bowl of cereal, and exclaimed, "Oh, is this green milk? it tastes good for green milk!" not knowing that the Golden Flow milk she was drinking was from a green carton (which I hadn't seen since 2nd grade), and it was 1%, not skim. So let this be a lesson to all. Look at the %, not at the color of the cap.

Honesty pt. 1

I am noticing a disgraceful pattern in Jewish culture. The majority seems to take pride in lying, cheating, and stealing. This enrages me to no end.
It has been reported that the Monticello Wal-Mart has the highest return rate in the country, and is like 3x higher during the summer. Hmmm. DUH. Jews lie, cheat, and steal. That's just what we want to be known for. We're SO smart, we buy an air conditioner July 1, return it Aug 31, and get a full refund which we use for school supplies. Funny how those seem to break JUST when you don't need them anymore. Wow. I can delve deeper (and go totally off-topic) into the whole, "if you can't afford it..." and go on about learning vs. working, but that's for another day. No matter how you slice it, it's wrong. I don't want to be associated with you people, really. "Oh she's Jewish, like those fraudulent idiots who steal from big companies, and cheat the government." What a Kiddush Hashem-you're doing a great job. That's why the people in the country just LOVE us. Okay, the place would be dead if not for our 2-month invasion, but that's not an excuse to trick people.

Another common one is shipping things to NJ to avoid paying sales tax. That's not as bad as the previous example, but that really gets to me. Some people have a house in NJ in addition to NY, or work in NJ. Fine, enjoy the extra cash. But to have a "friend who takes packages for me" is freakin' ridiculous. How cheap can you be??? My brother lives in NJ. I have ordered from Gap countless times, and have never considered asking him to receive it for me to avoid paying tax. Get a life, people.