Monday, December 27, 2004

Jewish Publications

I have 2 completely unrelated things to say about Jewish Publications.
1) Grammar, Usage, and Typos
2) Too Censored

1) I recently spotted an ad in a Jewish newspaper that I never read, "Finnaly!..." in huge letters. Yep. They meant to write "Finally," and it's a huge word on top of the ad. Was the editor sleeping that day?

Don't mind that. In another one, on the corner- where it says the month on every page, some yokel let them get away with writing "Novmber." No joke! Hello??!?!? The only time i remember seeing that in Seventeen was when there was a contest to find all mistakes in their April Fools issue!

Also, I'm a little bit of a grammar freak. I know you can't really tell from my blog, because I am kinda out of it when I write it, hurrying between classes and all, but so not the point. Anyway, I begged to be English Editor of my high school yearbook (a whole entry in itself) so I can take a red pen to things-you know, add commas, correct spelling and reforumlate sentences...I find that too much fun. Hmm. I've actually done that once or twice to these publications because I can't stand how they abuse the English language.

Most of the time when I actually read the Jewish stuff it's on Shabbos so I can't correct it anyway,but I can't tell you how tempting it is!!
Then there's the whole censorship business. When I asked a professional Jewish writer I know about starting a teen magazine for frum girls, she laughed in my face. She said my stuff would never go anywhere, because they are censoring everything like crazy now. She said everthing has to be all flowery and positive and yeshivish. She didn't mean to insult me. Just save my efforts. So what is there for teens like myself to read? Seventeen and CosmoGIRL! which is MUCH better, right, Mr. Machmir Publisher?

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Until I Got to Brooklyn College

My first semester in Brooklyn College, I took English One. Before the exit exam, the professor gave out a 10-page reading that we would discuss in class, and use at the exit exam. The catch was, he was not allowed to be involved in the discussion. So he said, "How about this? Everyone write the name of the person who you think should head the class in the discussion, and act as the professor." So I wrote my buddy's name as a goof, knowing it would be funny to see him up there, cuz he is really smart. Anyway, the professor counted the votes and announced the top 3. I was proud of myself, noting that in high school, I would have hoped and wished and prayed that I would be chosen. This time, I knew that I wasn't gonna be chosen, so I sat back and listened. "Shana, Michelle, and Jason" My professor announced. "Me Michelle?" I asked, shocked. "Yup!" He answered. Finally. I was chosen for something!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Always the Same Girls...

Okay, I had this whole long megilla of a post done, and then somehow it got deleted. Argh.
Anyway, my point is that I was never chosen for anything in school.

I remember the class presidential elections of 2nd grade. I probably nominated myself, because I have no clue how I got up there in the first place. Anyway, the way we voted was that we'd all put out heads down. The teacher would announce the name of thr girl, and everyone who wanted to vote for her raised her hand. Of course, I peeked at my turn. I got one vote. Just one.
Later on the year, somehow I was elected. I think she paid them off somehow.
After that, I was ignored. Besides the fact that for some reason I was the teacher's pet the years after that. I guess they felt bad for me.

In Junior High School, we had these Rosh Chodesh Breakfasts. Every month, they'd choose two girls per grade to speak. How many times was I chosen? Zero.

G.O. President. HA! ME???

Yearbook time! I begged to be English editor. I knew Editor in Chief wasn't happening, but I checked that of on the sheet they used to ask what we wanted to do. So I chose English Editor as second choice. What job did I get? The most brainless one of all. Ads. I collected money for the ads. My parents tried to be nice and tell me it meant I was good in math. Riiiight.

High school came. After the whole ordeal it took for me to get my tuchus back into the place, I was ignored yet again.
G.O. President? Nope.
Chesed head? No way Jose (that's a nerdy job anyway)
I was too afraid to try out for the school play, because why deal with rejection if you can avoid it altogether?

Then, they introduced a school newspaper! Yay!!!!!!!!! Who was Editor in Chief? NOT ME.

Next, the yearbook came. Who were the editors in chief? Oh, those poor same old girls who had already been G.O. President, one was head of dance, and both had been slated to be Valedictorian. Nebuch. Can't catch a break.
Don't get me wrong. I love those kids. They're the reason I got the job of English editor.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Jews' Undying Need to Be Like the Goyim

My mother's friend was describing a Channuka party she had attended. "Then we played secret Macabee. Ever heard of it?" My mother and I were dumbfounded. She went on to tell us how people pick names out of a hat to decide who buys a present for whom, andthen exchange them at the party. Each person attaches a note for the recepient and s/he has to figure out who sent it. "So, basically, you played 'Secret Santa' "I told her. She was appalled, "No, it was Secret Macabee.." Okay, lady. Something tells me that this was yet another thing we stole from the Goyim.

That's why, in a way, I think the Yevanim have unfortunately won.

Similarly, do you notice how excited people get when they eat vegetarian burgers and put cheese on them? "Look! I have a cheeseburger!" I don't think I'd eat them even if I was allowed to. It's just too much...sounds really salty. But whatever. People think cheeseburgers are so cool. Why? Becuase the goyim eat them.

Then, there was an eatery called McFleishigs. Just as sleezy as McDonald's, but I think they were shut down because of the trademark. Something legal like that because of the name. Did they really think that would attract people? I mean, look at what goes on in Israel. People run there to try out all their kosher restaurants that are traif here.

They don't stop there. Look at the music. Anyone who denies that the Chevra was an attempt to be the Jewish-Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, 98 degrees, O-Town or whatever-has got to be kidding. And, classic jewish style, they came out when boy bands were on their way down. And the concerts? Puh-leez. I think it's more tzniusdik to go to a Billy Joel concert. All the wrong type of mingling that goes on at these Jewish concerts is a plain disgrace. (That doesn't mean that they shouldn't have family seating, but that, again, is for another day)

Let's face it. Do you really think there would be Channuka gifts if the goyim didn't give Christmas gifts?

Oh, P.S. No smart comments about pizza being Italian. Completely different. Unless you talk about putting on perpperoni.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Switching to Touro

I was back in my old school yesterday. This time I actually worked there, but that's a story for when I have more than 4 minutes.
Anyway, my principal calls me over and tells me what kind of nutcases he sees on the corner of my school, and can't believe i go to school with them.
Then he says, "I have a great idea. Did you ever think of transferring to Touro?"
I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Absolutely not." Glad I didn't slip a "hell, no" in there. But ha.
Always trying...

Friday, December 10, 2004

Alumnae Newsletter

Okay, now I am infuriated.

Everyone who knows me mildly well knows how much I love writing. My high school principals are fully aware of my interests , but didn't bother to ask me to contribute to this cheeseball publication.

Instead, they ask these little genius kids who were G.O. Presidents in high school, as well as editors-in-chief of the yearbook, and yup-you guessed it-Valedictorians. I know I'm not the smartest or frummest graduate, by any means, but give me a damn break.

I have expressed interest in writing since I was in 3rd grade! Jeez! I even told them after I graduated that I had wanted the chance to be editor of the shcool newspaper. It seems they're trying to get rid of my Journalism major. I guess they're trying to get another OT, PT, Speech, or Pyschology major in Touro College. Ha.

Now, if I really had guts, I'd start my own publication and compete with theirs. But what do I need that for?

This issue had an article about Rav Ahron Kotler, ZT"L, something about Channuka, and one other thing that completely didn't interest me. The one thing that interested me was the recipe-looked awesome. My point is, and I have a blog entry ready to go on this topic, that why the hell (sorry, but i have to) do these idiots choose the same 2 girls for EVERYTHING? even once I am out of high school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I wear denim,--even when I'm not in camp. I know, I'm a shiksa. It's unbelievably assur. I can't believe I am a Bais Yaakov graduate.

Give me a chance to write, for crying out loud! ARGH.

Have a good Shabbos!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Another snob

Okay, it just gets better.
Another kid. I don't know why i forgot to mention her last time I complained about the snobs in college, or the time before that, but whatever.
I have known this kid for about 12 years. No joke. We daven in the same shul. We were never friends. Actually, the one time we played together at another kid's house, we were like 7, and she threw something at me.
But, I know her.
So I try to be friendly.
Every time I see her, I greet her.
By name.
I wave, smile (now only 1/2) and say, "Hi [insert lovely young woman's name here]"
She knows exactly who I am.
She nods.
Barely acknowledges me.
I mean, if she's still mad at me, she should get over it. I'm not an idiot. I know we may never be friends, but to say, "hi"--wouldn't do her any damage.
But whatever.