Research: A Waste of Time, Or Useful?
I set out to write a post about research. I searched my drafts, and found this from almost 2 years ago! Updates have been made, but it is just sad how much things haven't changed.
I don't have much exposure to the MO community, but one thing I've noticed is that they don't research Shidduchim nearly as much as the yeshivish. Why?
I'm not even talking about the ridiculous questions, whether they use a plastic tablecloth on Shabbos, or if the wife comes to the table in a robe Friday night, or whether they stack dirty dishes at the table. I am hoping that questions like that are asked by just a tiny percentage, and tend to be repeated because they are so inane and simply meaningless.
I just mean the phone calls in general. When I go out with out-of-towners, and I used to beg my parents to at least make two phone calls, the guys got suspicious. The references are annoyed and don't understand why we call to ask about the guy, if I can just get to know him on a date.
The attitude among the MO is, "let the kids go out." They won't ask a million questions to make sure the couple is 100% compatible. I have mixed emotions about this practice.
I've done it; no research, just giving it a shot. Obviously, thus far it hasn't worked. Then again, I've done research, found out great things, only to find on the first date that it was a total load. So thus far, neither method has worked. I don't think either method particularly will lead to success; although some might contend that with less research, I'd be more inclined to date someone that I hadn't previously considered, and find out that he is my soulmate. (IY"H, when I am successful, I will bli neder let you know which method led me to it.)
I don't have much exposure to the MO community, but one thing I've noticed is that they don't research Shidduchim nearly as much as the yeshivish. Why?
I'm not even talking about the ridiculous questions, whether they use a plastic tablecloth on Shabbos, or if the wife comes to the table in a robe Friday night, or whether they stack dirty dishes at the table. I am hoping that questions like that are asked by just a tiny percentage, and tend to be repeated because they are so inane and simply meaningless.
I just mean the phone calls in general. When I go out with out-of-towners, and I used to beg my parents to at least make two phone calls, the guys got suspicious. The references are annoyed and don't understand why we call to ask about the guy, if I can just get to know him on a date.
The attitude among the MO is, "let the kids go out." They won't ask a million questions to make sure the couple is 100% compatible. I have mixed emotions about this practice.
I've done it; no research, just giving it a shot. Obviously, thus far it hasn't worked. Then again, I've done research, found out great things, only to find on the first date that it was a total load. So thus far, neither method has worked. I don't think either method particularly will lead to success; although some might contend that with less research, I'd be more inclined to date someone that I hadn't previously considered, and find out that he is my soulmate. (IY"H, when I am successful, I will bli neder let you know which method led me to it.)
The way it works among the Yeshivish is that conclusive research is conducted before their first date. So much research that the only thing left to find out is whether they get along, their personalities mesh, and whether they're attracted to one another. Well, as part of research, the boy's mother has already seen the girl in one way or another, and determined that her son will find her attractive. (In other words, she is pretty enough for her to proudly express, "This is my brand new daughter-in-law!" at the next neighborhood or family gathering.) So, basically, since the girl is not allowed to ask much about the guy's looks, they have to find out whether she is completely repulsed by him or not.
Sometimes you find things out on a first date that you couldn't have found out by asking information anyway.
One time, my mother agreed to make a phone call about a guy. He lived nearby, so she called a neighbor of his that she knew. His neighbor said to stay away. I called a guy I knew from college who learned in the same bais medrash as he did, and the consensus was to stay away. But that was once. Obviously the guy is some sort of freak show if everyone we asked about him didn't even do the phony "he's such a great guy" shpiel. In this case, research proved useful.
On other occasions, the guys sounded great on paper and turned out to be nothing like they were described. Their references described them a certain way, but I learned on the date that it wasn't accurate.
I've discussed ridiculous phone calls I've heeded in honor of my good friends. And many of them appalled me. "How does she dress?" "Why does she wear a ponytail?" "Why did she attend this high school?"
One person was turned down before a first date because of a reputation of being "quiet."
The problem is, let's say you've gone out twice, and decide, well now is the time for research. The couple has already built some sort of a relationship. Those are based on trust. Doing research at that stage shows a complete lack of trust. "I know we've met and everything, but I don't trust you, so I am gonna go call people to ask them about you." That'll go over well.
So? Research or no research?
So? Research or no research?
posted by Michelle @ 2:29 PM
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