More on Reputation-obssessed Morons (hehe)
I was actually surprised by the reaction I received from my previous post. I must tell you though, everyone I related the story to in person did tell me the same thing, "Who needs her?" Well, that's a complicated situation that I can't share for obvious reasons. I do have more to say on reputations and shidduchim and everything.When I first got dumped onto the market along with the heap of my graduating class, some people advised that I "clean up my image." Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad kid by any means. All I did in high school to gain my "reputation" was wear denim (gasp), slits, words on my shirt, etc. Some people judged me based on that appearance and assumed I had boyfriends and I hung out in Pizza shops Saturday nights, and that whole sick scene, but as they got to know me better, they realized that I hate that scene so much that I avoid it like the plague.
Anyway, people told me that my slit-wearing days should end, I should throw away my sandals, ditch the denim, and invest in knee socks. Oh, sorry, for all you non-Brooklyners---those things are considered BAD here. They believed that would increase my shidduch prospects by a considerable margin. My opinion is that if I still feel comfortable wearing slits, why should I be a faker and fall prey to Brooklyn's "Image-Itis"? So I can set up with guys I can't relate to? So I should feel the resentment I did in high school of having to hide behind a facade that is not me? No. If a guy doesn't want to go out with a girl who wears denim, he is simply not for me.
I have a friend who once related to me that she "doesn't go to movies." Then she began to recount the movies she had seen in the past 6 months. I believe it was 8, but I'm not 100% sure, to be quite honest. "Well, except this one, I HAD to see it because my professor was talking about it all the time," ..."and this because...." But she tells everyone, "I don't go to movies." Ironically, I tell people I "go to the movies," and I saw 101 Dalmations in 1996, and the next movie I saw in the theater was Mean Girls. My parents said that a school rule is a house rule, and I wasn't allowed to go to movies until I graduated high school. I tell people I do go to movies. In the past 12 months, I have seen 3 movies in the theater(Mean Girls, Spider-Man 2, and I, Robot), and the only one I really wanted to see was Mean Girls.
The sad part is, this girl will find a guy just like her who plays the game as well as she does. Unfortunately, she is not an exception to the rule. There are so many guys who tell everyone they learn, but they sit and smoke outside. They tell people they don't watch movies, but they're Blockbuster Gold members and the associates there know them by name...you get the unfortunate picture.
This reputation business has become insane. All this judgementalness (is that a word?) which I admit, I do myself, is harming everyone. Just because I wear sandals, people think I hang out with boys etc. But in a way, I can't blame them. I have a friend who does all that, hangs with tons of guys and whatever, and we wear the SAME denim skirts with slits and sandals, and we are the only ones of our friends that dress this way...maybe I should go to dinner with her.
posted by Michelle @ 8:57 PM
8 Comments:
I think that in some skewed way, your friends have a point. Because as you yourself pointed out, your friend who dresses like you, does things that you don't do and presumably don't approve of. So why would you want people to get the impression that you do those things?
I say, if you think you'll have such a hard time finding guys because of people's misconceptions, why not meet a guy on your own?
To Anonymous #1: You totally have a point. I admit that I do things like that all time. I can see a girl on the street with the same skirt I have and think, "Who does she think she is?? Miss Cool?" but then again, she's carrying herself in a whorish way. Sometimes I see girls wearing the same skirt and think, "Oh, look a friend!" But anyway, you do have a point. But I am simply not ready to dress like something I am not. Plus,where I live, there are no happy mediums. I don't wear slits that often anyway, I'm talking DENIM. I am considered a different category becuase I wear denim when I'm not in camp. I just can't do the whole "sweater-set/blouse with short skirt, tights and shoes" bit. I tried it for a week in seminary and it failed miserably. I don't care. I am in second year seminary now and they all dress stereotypically-I walk in there with my black stretchy skirt (Not TOO stretchy) my tee-shirt and sweatshirt and mind my own business. In fact, I don't talk or mosey on in 20 minutes late like the dress-up queens do, but you are right-nobody can know that by seeing me in the street.
On to anonymous #2, who sounds like someone i know...it's not as easy as it may seem, but it's always a possibility. I'll see what arises.
anonymous #1 here...I'm definitely not telling you to dress like someone you are not, but then again, that is exactly my point. If you would wear the sweater set short skirt combo you would be giving the impression that you are someone who you aren't, and dressing in the denim skirt you are giving the impression that you are someone who you aren't. So which one is better? Personally, I have no problem with denim, and you are not viewed as "whorish" if you wear denim. Thank G-d. Even the "good" girls wear denim.
It is crazy to be judged on what wear and crazier to give in to it. But just like the girl who tells everyone she doesn't go to movies and does will find a guy just like her, so will you. You'll find someone who hates labels and being judged by how he dresses. maybe, even, [gasp!] an out of towner!
Thanks Essie. I agree with you. It's always been said that I should try to get ahold of an out-of-towner. All my friends (the normal ones) are also the iout-of-town type. They do the whole sweater-set business, but not with the runway walk or anything like that. The thing is, I am really the only one of my friends who isn't looking to marry a kollel guy. And for that, I am a Rishanta.
Excuse me, not all of your friends are the "sweater set" type! I'm offended! Seriously though, you have to do what you think is right. I don't wear slits, short socks,etc. because I happen to not think that it's so tzniusdik. I have no issues at all with denim skirts-like everything else, it's all in how you carry yourself. I think that a long denim skirt(sorry, without the slit) looks much finer that a short black skirt(that's usually too short) & nude tights. But like I said before, you have to do what you think is right. Just make sure the way you dress reflects the way you would like your future husband to want his wife to dress. Also, please don't give the impression that your friends or anyone else think you're a "rishanta" for not wanting to marry a learning boy. Im yirtzah Hashem you're going to find a good boy who's a ben aliyah like yourself, who will work to earn a parnasah for the family, but will learn after(or before) work & will help you build a home filled with torah and yiras shamaim. Amen! (Sorry if I was a little bit too intense there, but I really hate hearing or reading you put yourself down.)
omg this chani character does not realize how brainwashed she sounds...ah! its subtle but its there.
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