Saturday, October 27, 2007

"I'm Just Calling To Tell You..."

I was leaving class with a friend one day, and my cell phone rang. I generally try to keep a policy of parents-only when I'm with people. This time, however, a name I hadn't seen in years appeared on the caller ID. We had been close years ago, but lost touch.



When that happens, I assume the person's child/niece/nephew got hold of the phone and accidentally called me. I excused myself as my curiosity got the best of me, and answered, "Hey, ...did you call me by accident?" I asked.



"No, actually, I called to tell you I'm engaged." She said matter-of-factly.



"Are you serious or sarcastic?" I asked.



Many times when you haven't spoken to someone in a while, and they call you, you suspect that they're engaged. Knowing that, some people call me, and before I can ask how they are, they say, "Hi, Michelle, No I'm not engaged, I'm calling because..." So I figured she was playing me.



Chances are, she's reading this now. Hi, you-know-who-you-are. No hard feelings, kid. Just trying to think aloud.



Suddenly, she calls me to tell me she's engaged. Sure I was happy for her. But I was taken aback.

Would I have been offended had she not called me?

Would I have felt better had she "buried the lead"?

Shouldn't she have sounded excited?



My friends and I have had a similar debate going for quite some time. One friend says it's none of anyone's business until it happens.
Others feel that if you're close with a person, it's your responsibility to tell them that something's going on. It's their right to know.

This girl was right in the middle. We were close years ago, but lost touch. So it's a toughie.

Should you tell people if you're getting engaged? Or shock the hell out of them when it actually happens?

20 Comments:

At 10/28/2007 8:19 AM, Blogger Kaila said...

i vote for shocking them. some people prefer their privacy. if you tell everyone you're getting engaged, they all want to know the details about the intended in depth. if you call to tell them you are already engaged, you can say "talk to you later, gotta finish calling people." why not keep it to yourself if you want to? and if this is someone you're no longer close with, you're under no obligation to tell beforehand. in this situation, you generally tell the person out of respect for the closeness you once had. there's nothing wrong with keeping it secret for a while. though i wouldn't go out of the way to date in a different borough for this purpose.

 
At 10/28/2007 1:33 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

I didn't expect her to share it with me while she was dating, since we hadn't spoken otherwise.
I was shocked though. But, like I said, would I have been offended if the first I heard about it was on Only Simchas?

 
At 10/28/2007 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know a guy who didn't know that his sister had gotten engaged until he read in on OS.

 
At 10/28/2007 7:46 PM, Blogger Kaila said...

michelle-

some of us don't look at only simchas, and when i got engaged i insisted on not being listed. a friend posted us and i made her take it down the next day. just my personal sense of privacy. maybe she felt the same way. if she had decided not to post on only simchas, how would you have felt had she not called you?

 
At 10/28/2007 9:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoever knows that i'm dating (which would be a few close friends) will know that i'm getting engaged. everyone else will hopefully be shocked as long as the yentas of the town haven't gotten a hold of the news first.

 
At 10/29/2007 7:16 AM, Blogger halfshared said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10/29/2007 4:00 PM, Blogger MS said...

When I was dating my husband, I told people. Was I wrong?
Well no, I didn't call people to tell them I was dating someone seriously, I just didn't hide the information if it came up in conversation.
I guess I felt my friends who I was telling were mature enough to handle the information.

 
At 10/29/2007 8:48 PM, Anonymous iyhbyyou said...

disappointed in this topic. but anyway, if you think the person will be offended if you don't tell them, then tell them. if not, then don't. you typically have a very good sense of knowing who will be offended and who won't.

 
At 10/31/2007 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thought you turned 22.....

 
At 11/03/2007 4:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is how I feel: if you are close enough to someone that you would call them the same day (or next) to let them know that you broke your arm (Gd forbid), call them the same (or next) day to tell them that you got engaged. Other than that, I think it is bizarre...If you haven't spoken to someone in years, why should the first time you call them be to say, "Oh, I am engaged?!"

 
At 11/03/2007 4:31 PM, Blogger flatbush gal said...

I know that I personally would want a call from a former close friend if she were to get engaged. If I were to see the engagement on onlysimchas for the first time or something I would get that sinking feeling of but we were such good friends, didn't she want to call me with the news?

 
At 11/03/2007 7:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When your friends are expecting, would you want them to tell you? I had a friend whose best friend was just starting to show, and she felt hurt by the fact that she hadn't told her that she was pregnant (and of course her feelings were exaggerated all of the yentas were dialing her, not the mother-to-be). I personally wouldn't want to take the "I love Lucy" approach and publically announce the news -- but I do see how being private can wear your friendship.

 
At 11/05/2007 3:28 PM, Blogger flatbush gal said...

thanks for the comment- i remember reading that post on your lakewood shabbaton a long time ago and i actually thought about it a few times since this shabbaton of ours was scheduled. We're having a panel too, maybe it'll be the same women ;)

flatbushgal, (formerly A Senior, and even formerly A Junior)

 
At 11/06/2007 9:41 AM, Blogger Semgirl said...

It depends how close you are. You absolute closest friends you tell all the details, evedryone you tell after its fait acompli, especially if you already had a broken shidduch or 2. Then you are terrified to say anything until the day of the wedding.

Iyh by you Michelle, but only once for life...

 
At 11/06/2007 2:05 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Semgirl--
Amen, but make that twice. Been there once already.

 
At 11/07/2007 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that it is nice for someone to call and tell you that they are engaged even if you havent spoken to them in a long time! I recently recieved a call from a girl who was in my high school class that I haven't spoken to in a few years (since I am more than a couple of years out of high school) telling me she is engaged. I was so happy she called me and was genuinly excited for her, especially since many girls from high school dont call anymore to let you know. I didnt see anything wrong with her calling and I wasnt even really good friends with her!
Guess it depends on your circumstances~

 
At 11/08/2007 7:55 AM, Blogger Jessica said...

If it's a close friend I don't see why you wouldn't tell them you were dating someone right from the beginning. Granted, I've only ever dated one person (and that's who I married), but from even before we had our first official date, my closest friends knew that I was going to date him. If it's not a close friend though, they can just find it out from onlysimchas like the rest of us.

 
At 11/08/2007 8:24 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

It's funny, tho, a few days after I wrote this post, someone from my high school class, who had been in my class since I remember, but we were never really close, called me. I had already known because of Only Simchas, but I was sooo happy that she called me. Also, since I knew, she didn't have to "break it to me," I just said, "Oh! Hi! Mazal Tov!..." and she proceeded to invite me to her vort. But I found this circumstance very different from the previous one.

 
At 11/09/2007 10:31 AM, Blogger Bas~Melech said...

Happened to me twice recently...

I definitely think dating is a very private thing that shouldn't be shared. That said, one of my close friends did exactly the right thing by just letting me know she was seeing someone seriously a little before she got engaged. That was it. No details, no gossip, just a friendly warning. That way, by the time it really happened, it had sunk in a little and I was ready to truly rejoice with her.

 
At 11/18/2007 11:37 PM, Blogger Bas~Melech said...

Happens to be I posted on this last week...

"If you want me to share your simcha, start by sharing your simcha with me."

 

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