Sunday, August 28, 2005

The D-Word

In the world of Shidduchim, people are categorized according to physical attributes, intellectual ability, Hashkafa, and their parents marital status.

For some reason, people think just because two people are short, they'll make a perfect shidduch. Don't mind the fact that one speaks Hebrew and the other speaks Yiddish, and neither speaks English, or whatever-they're both short, so it must be good.

That's stupid, but the hurtful one is about the children from divorced homes. I have a friend who comes from a divorced home, and admittedly, she is one of the most well-adjusted of all my other friends. I think it's unfair to turn down someone just because their parents are divorced.

I understand that once people hear there is a divorce, they want to check into it more. That's okay, because the reality of life is that the children are usually affected, and they don't want their child marrying some nutcase. So they should be allowed to ask what happened. Why didn't it work out? How old was the child? Was there a lot of fighting? Did the child ever seek therapy?I know these are intimate details, but I still think divorce is something that people should be more open about, because it will enable people to know others who are totally unaffected. Why is it okay to limit one's prospects to just those whose parents are divorced?

Sure there is a guy and girl out there who are fine both from divorced homes, but for that to be the main reason for setting them up is senseless. Especially since so many kids are so okay and are missing out on great people because of a dumb bias.

I must stress that I still think more research has to be done in that situation, but turning down a great sounding girl/guy just because of that is a loss on both sides.

19 Comments:

At 8/29/2005 8:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Michelle-how quickly would you go out with someone from a divorced home? (especially if you have others available from a non-divorced home) Talk is cheap...

 
At 8/29/2005 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a stupid post above! Michelle is describing and interesting sociological situation, and to beat her over the head with personal hypotheticals is nasty, and a little jealous.

Bert

 
At 8/29/2005 11:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 11:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/29/2005 12:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/30/2005 7:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8/30/2005 5:55 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

First of all, to anonymous #1--I dated a guy from a divorced home, and I did have a hellish experience, however, that does not mean that all guys are affected that badly. I think we didn't do enough research before I went out. Obviously, research sometimes can still manage to hide these things, but think about the people who emerged unscathed from the situation.

Also, I want y'all to know that if there is any comment that was deleted by the administrator, it's an ad. Unless someone writes something terribly profane, I like to keep everyone's comments visible, since I know that people disagree and I want to represent all sides of the arguement. Thanks.

 
At 8/31/2005 10:19 PM, Blogger Elisheva said...

Michelle, I like that you are open about this. Cause like most people are either that children from divorced homes are totally regular and should be just like all others. The other side says they are like damaged and keep far away.

You are so right that on the one hand divorce so affects the kids so sure you have to look into the situation more, but on the other hand it is wrong and even stupid to rule it out.

Shalom

 
At 8/31/2005 10:56 PM, Blogger Semgirl said...

Welcome to Shidduchim , Michelle. Gee you are naive!! When I was in Sem in Yerushalyim, I had the priviledge of meeting many wonderful girls in Neve. I was supposed to be their role model, Ha, thats funny. Anyway, many of them put me to shame in every possible way. ArtScroll books can be written about them.

I also know some Lakewood girls, of which two words come to mind: White Trash.

Yet who do you think will get the proverbial "best guy in BMG" .

 
At 9/02/2005 1:23 PM, Anonymous Michelle said...

Semgirl, I have to disgree. I think the white trash will end up with other white trash. You know I love cynicism just as much as you do, but I also believe there are some good girls out there and good guys out there, and they usually end up with one another. Bec there is no way that a good guy will marry a girl who slept around and vice versa.

Now, if you're talking about exteriors here, that they give the appearance to be all frum-yes that is true, but theyre not on the inside, thus they are also white trash.

 
At 9/02/2005 1:24 PM, Anonymous Michelle said...

Semgirl, I have to disgree. I think the white trash will end up with other white trash. You know I love cynicism just as much as you do, but I also believe there are some good girls out there and good guys out there, and they usually end up with one another. Bec there is no way that a good guy will marry a girl who slept around and vice versa.

Now, if you're talking about exteriors here, that they give the appearance to be all frum-yes that is true, but theyre not on the inside, thus they are also white trash.

 
At 9/02/2005 2:56 PM, Blogger Lost said...

Michelle, I completely agree with you. Kids from divorced homes can be completely normal or messed up. Kids from homes where parents are happily married could be normal or messed up. I would not think twice before going out with a boy from a divorced home and I think a/o who would should think twice about their priorities and values..

 
At 9/07/2005 10:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Michelle I absolutely agree with you. it is dumb. But you have to understand why this is. It is because people are worried about their image. I mean heaven forbid that people will talk because a person married someone from a divorced home

Yonne

 
At 9/20/2005 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you young frum people have been conditioned by your parents and community to practice what the Torah says not to. Like being judgmental, whether it's girlfriends or dating. It's high time you opened your eyes lest you pass this madness on to the next generation

 

Post a Comment

<< Home