Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Beware the Classified--Part 1

I have a great teacher in Seminary-she's the teacher that people call for advice, and keep in touch with for years. She's brilliant, and clearly learns from every experience. She is chock-full of stories which she uses to illustrate the important lessons she teaches. Here is one from her valuable reportoire.

A girl saw an ad for a job in a Jewish newspaper, working for a frum lawyer in his basement. The interview went well, and she got the job. After the first day of work, she discussed the day's events with her mother over dinner. She told her mother how he explained that he had been a doctor before he was a lawyer, and wanted to examine her to make sure that anyone working for him was healthy and well. My teacher explained that she's a slow-reacting person, and therefore she complied. Obviously, it wasn't the truth, and she was molested by this man. Upon hearing this, her mother called my teacher to ask if it was normal. My teacher told the woman that her daughter was not to go back the next day.

My teacher asked for the man's name, so that another girl would not be affected by this pervert. But the mother refused. My teacher explained that it would not Lashon Hora, and that word must get out so other girls don't have to experience what her daughter went through. This girl was affected for life. She'll never be the same. Why wouldn't her mother want to protect other young women from this horrific experience?

She was unable to convince the woman to reveal the man's name. Why? She was afraid that if this went further, her daughter's name would get out, and that it would affect her Shidduchim.

Apparently, her daughter's "shidduch" chances (only assuming on the small possibility that her name gets out) was more important to this woman than many other girl's well-being, safety, and life.

22 Comments:

At 5/24/2006 2:36 PM, Blogger Orthoprax said...

"Slow reacting." That's one way of putting it.

 
At 5/24/2006 2:50 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

chayecha kodem.........

 
At 5/24/2006 6:35 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

why didnt the teacher call the girl? why didnt the mother speak to a rabbi and have them deal with it without mentionning the girl? why didnt they denounce him once she got engaged? i understad the mother for being worried, and the daughter for being afraid and the teacher for asking but why does it seem like everyone is so docile and uncreative in finding a solution? i keep hearing complaints about the frum community, but i feel like the biggest problem is everyone's apathy (aside from the blogging :)

 
At 5/24/2006 6:59 PM, Blogger SephardiLady said...

This story is ridiculous. On top of the mother's misplaced priorities, it is ridiculous that a grown adult who is in the working world can't immediately recognize something that is WAY out of the ordinary.

People like me are condemned when we say that we need to prepare our young people for the "real world," and while this case is very extreme, it only goes to prove my point.

The interview process, resumes, and checking references/background checks should be something all young adults are familiar with.

 
At 5/24/2006 7:27 PM, Anonymous Gavi said...

Sefer Chofetz Chaim Hilchos Lashon Harah Klall 10:1 - a person is allowed to make public knowledge evil deeds, subject to the specified conditions, in order to help the wronged person, and to reveal evil deeds to the public so that they may be condemned.
See also Hilchos Isurei Rechilus Klall 9 for further details and specific cases.

Judging from the description presented, the woman should have made the name public, and gone to the appropriate authorities... but then again, I am not a posek, so I can't pretend to do anything but read the sources.

In terms of shidduchim, it doesn't really matter - the girl is not "pasul," God-forbid, to marry anyone (except the standard issurim, such as a giyores to a kohen)... A person who would let such an event cloud their perception of the shidduch at hand has a poor grasp of the purpose of shidduchin.

 
At 5/24/2006 7:36 PM, Blogger The Unorthodox Yeshiva Guy said...

gut-wrenching

 
At 5/24/2006 8:59 PM, Blogger Semgirl said...

Nauseating , no ther word for it.

 
At 5/25/2006 7:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bunch of retards....

 
At 5/25/2006 3:15 PM, Blogger ms. shtark said...

this is just plain sad. what has this world come to?

 
At 5/25/2006 3:47 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Sephardilady--you hit the nail on Part 2!! Keep your eyes peeled!

Anonym00kie-You bring up good points. The only way I could look at is that we see it in hindsight, and don't know the people involved.

I think the apathy comes from being spoiled and selifish. IF they have what they want and don't have to worry about anything, why worry about others? After all, who's more important than themselves?

 
At 5/25/2006 7:50 PM, Blogger Jewboy said...

Anyone who knows about this should try to find out who he is and contact the police immediately. Put this cretin behind bars where he belongs!

 
At 5/26/2006 3:18 AM, Blogger jemima3 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5/26/2006 3:24 AM, Blogger jemima3 said...

The girl sounds extremely simple. If we send our girls out in to the workforce before they are married, we CANNOT let them be so naive about the world - and the girl's mother had to ask a sem teacher if this was normal??!!! - and at the very least if they were worried about anonymity, any outraged father would have gone to sort this man out. It doesn't really ring true but maybe your teacher was just trying to warn you about what there can be out there.

 
At 5/26/2006 9:05 AM, Anonymous Chani said...

This story makes me sad,sick to my stomach & furious! First of all, "slow reacting" is beyond understatement. Maybe you were trying to be nice, because I would've described this girl as beyond stupid-even if you don't know anything about anything, there should be an innate sense of "something's wrong." As I was reading the beginning of your story, I thought, "office in basement?" "Sounds like a yichud issue." The gedarim of yichud were instituted for a real & serious reason. But besides all that, selfish would be a major understatement in describing that mother. I don't understand her! Why on earth should her daughter's name have to get anywhere? All they're doing is warning & informing people. There's no reason she should be worrying about her daughter's name getting anywhere. She's so nasty! I'm so disgusted that I can't even express it properly.

 
At 5/26/2006 9:52 AM, Blogger Joey said...

With such a mother bringing her up, it is no wonder she was not able to stick for her self. I don’t have to mention that the guy is a pervert, and actually should be in jail where some other doctors would examine him…

The mothers sickening attitude is what caused her daughter to be a victim in the first place. This should not even have been mentioned to the teacher, the number that should have been called is 911, or at least the guys wife for starters. Its very sad how people let them self be victims.

 
At 5/26/2006 10:21 AM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

All I read in the comment section is about how this girl is stupid and how nasty the mother is... but... the truth is I hear stories to this effect ALL THE TIME. Nothing this extreme but it is unbelievable how much a person will hide, how much wrongdoing wil be covered up for fear of shidduchim and what people will say...!

And this is also why so many people out there do it to frum people... BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY WILL GET AWAY WITH IT!

 
At 5/26/2006 2:01 PM, Blogger ClooJew said...

I have a hard time, lulei demistafina, believing this story. Not that I don't think it COULD have happened, but teachers and speakers will often invent a story in order to make a point. As one great rabbi often comments: "All of my stories are true. Some of them just haven't happened yet."

The unfortunate part of the blogworld is that EVERYTHING is accepted at face value.

 
At 5/27/2006 2:58 PM, Blogger jemima3 said...

cloojew - see my comment above. we dont all believe everything in blogworld.

 
At 5/28/2006 12:43 AM, Blogger R. said...

I'm horrified. What are these people thinking? Was the girl so naive? Is the mother so petty?

But, nice blog.

 
At 5/28/2006 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very unlikely thatr this is a true story .

 
At 5/31/2006 11:54 AM, Blogger Out of towner said...

Will someone pass the salt, please? Your point is well taken with respect to the dangers of being too sheltered, but I think we all need to show some healthy skepticism for fantastic stories with unnamed participants. It is a huge waste of emotional energy to get so worked up over a story that may never have happened. Surely we need to be as intelligent and discerning in believing fantastic anecdotes as the "girl" should have been before believing that her lawyer/employer had a right to play doctor.

Thing is btw, that even if the story is true, the employer probably broke no laws since the woman was over 18 and willingly submitted to the "medical exam."

 
At 6/11/2006 6:46 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Sickening, nothing surprises me anymore.

 

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