In My Humble Jewish Opinion...

Is IMHJO Dead?

2010-03-02T12:12:00.000-08:00

In a sense, yes. I don't plan to delete it anytime soon, but I don't feel as strongly about it as I did a few years back. (Obviously)

A recent date made me realize something about this blog; it also became apparent during my short engagement.

This blog no longer personifies me. Thankfully, I've progressed so much in the years since I've started the blog, I sometimes don't recognize myself. Or, I just read it and laugh.

The sight of two Lexuses in a driveway no longer gets my blood boiling. Don't get me wrong. I still stand for the same things: Materialism sucks, people who make Chillulei Hashem are idiots, double parkers are selfish twits, be honest with yourself and others...cheating is wrong.

My principles really haven't changed. I still agree with many things I've written.

But so many people and experiences have taught me that things aren't always as they seem. People aren't so black and white. What appeared to be a hyprocrite to me then has become someone who is confused and doesn't know where to turn.

Just because someone's chosen to improve in one area and blatantly does something else wrong doesn't make him evil or stupid.

I see things differently now. I still get upset when mansion owners escape for Purim, or five-year-old girls are overheard discussing their Juicy wardrobe. But I've learned that yelling and screaming about it on a stupid blog won't make a difference. Talking to these people won't make a difference. In a sense, I learned that my blog was "Aimed At No One." You either agreed with it, or you didn't.

I hope it was always apparent that even opposing opinions are welcome, since I enjoy seeing how other people's minds work, and I can learn something new.

Sure, I have a lot to say (ahem, complain about), but perhaps not as much a need to say it. This date sounded familiar...like the young man I had been engaged to....and much of this blog...the old me. I realized that the old me isn't me anymore.

Perhaps I'll begin a new blog (even though they're kinda done in general)...and y'all will be the first ones to know about it. Don't take me out of your bookmarks just yet. Inspiration might just strike one day, and I want you all to be there to see it.

Sorry To Disappoint, But..

2009-11-08T17:00:00.001-08:00

The engagement was short-lived.

There is a possibility in the near future that I'll delete the posts that refer to my engagement, because they're kinda painful and embarrassing to look at.

For now, I'll leave them up, because they're part of my journey through life.

Please don't ask questions about "why," "what happened," or "who broke it off?" These are tactless and nosy. Certainly not for a public forum such as this one (all six of you who haven't forgotten about my blog).

Anyway, my wish is that our community know no more tza'ar, whether it's physical, emotional, or spiritual.

May we only share in simchas together in the future! :)

Michelle's Take

2009-10-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

So Bad4 e-mailed me in late May, explaining that blog reader had mentioned a guy for me.
I replied that I was busy.

The next e-mail in that thread was a month later. Late June. Just wanted to get that out of the way. (That was when I told her that the whole internetness of it all weirded me out, but I wasn't taking it off the table.)

Anyway, Mysterious Stranger, being the fine gentleman that he is, didn't want to contact me directly. He understood that it would creep me out. Smart man.

So everything he wrote, Bad4 simply clicked "forward" and directed my way. He gave me the spiel I've heard a million times. "He's such a nice guy..." Didn't want to believe it.

So I kinda gave them the run-around. When I was busy, I told them so. Otherwise I hemmed and hawed. I realized that the guys I dated within those months were no different than any other I had dated, and what have I got to lose?

Finally, after Mysterious Stranger volunteered his phone number, (he wouldn't ask me for mine), and Bad4 told me I was a jerk, I figured I'd call Mysterious Stranger.

MS was beyond a mensch. I didn't think it was possible. A mensch? From the internet? He described his friend, but like I said, how many guys are described as "soo nice" and end up being jerks? One need not look further than my own dating record.

What impressed me, though, was MS himself. A really really nice, honest, fine young man. I figured a guy like this must keep good friends. Based on my conversation with MS, (and being called a jerk by Bad4,) I decided to give it a shot.

The guy on the other side of this, by the way, needed his fair share of arm-twisting himself, which MS apparently didn't tell Bad4.

He heard I was from Brooklyn, and was ready to eliminate me right then and there. Little did he know that only earned him some points on my book...

The Rumors Are True

2009-10-09T05:17:00.000-07:00

Now, since my favorite fellow blogger BadForShidduchim so kindly linked to me, I feel like I should update my blog a little.

Because nobody's really thinking about the people in Deal anymore.

As I wrote in the comments of her blog, I bli neder plan to contribute a "Michelle's Take," which will also be available for all your eyes on this blog...

But in the meantime, I want to thank Mysterious Stranger and Bad4 for being persistent, but not annoying.

So much to say....later, y'all!

Don't Cry Anti-Semitism

2009-07-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

Part I
Last Thursday presented a terrible chillul Hashem. A number of Orthodox Jews, as well as rabbis, in the Hasidic and Sephardic communities were arrested in N.J. on money laundering to the tune of $3 million.

There were a number of scandals involved, including the illegal sale of kidneys, reportedly buying them for $10,000 and selling them for $160,000.

New Jersey lawmakers were also charged for accepting bribes.

The sad part is that none of this shocked me.

It was embarrassing to watch footage of frum people hiding their faces in their hats, peyos neatly tucked behind their ears, etc.

I have a feeling that Rabbi Kassin was a victim of other people's greed, and was uninformed about the illegal activity.

People have been crying anti-Semitism. That Obama is behind this. What a load. First of all, the investigation began when Bush was in office. Second, these people were arrested because they allegedly did something wrong. Not because they are Jewish.

Part II
"What about Pidyon Shvuyim?" People ask.

My question is whether it is relavent for people who have so greviously violated halacha as well as American law.

These people are imprisoned for a reason.

The very same Torah that tells us that we must redeem prisoners also tells us not to steal, not to trick people, and to follow the laws of the land (all of which they have allegedly violated).

I understand that "two wrongs don't make a right." Just because they violated the Torah, it doesn't mean that we have to by not redeeming them.

But when the concept of Pidyon Shvuyim originated, I doubt that this was an example of a case in which we should do whatever's in our power to release prisoners.

I would say Gilad Shalit is a much more relavent example.

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

2009-07-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

I've been asked a buncha times why I haven't updated my blog.
In fact, I have a draft about why I haven't.
Maybe I'll post that one day.
In the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for my next post ... soon IY"H!

Unrealistic Expectations?

2009-05-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

Big Bro #2 and I were talking on Shabbos when he mentioned a conversation that took place in shul. "During davening? I never talk in shul," I said, perhaps expressing disbelief in the fact that my very own big bro would have the audacity to talk in shul.

"Well, if you were there every day, you would be talking, too," he replied. This exchange reminded me of a conversation I'd had with some friends a while back, regarding expectations when it comes to husbands.

While they thought missing minyan once in a while was inexcusable, I wanted to agree with them whole-heartedly, but I found it difficult. They even backed it up with anecdotal evidence of guys who will do all but put their lives on the line to attend a minyan.

Granted, davening with a minyan is not my mitzvah. So perhaps it could be easy to demand that of someone else.

"It's their mitzvah, they better be darn sure to make their way to shul every day, three times a day!" One friend said. I repeat. I wanted to agree with her.

But I thought about it honestly. If it were my mitzvah, would I be there on time every day knowing that I have to be at work at 9? Would I jump out of my office on a rainy day to run into another building for a minyan in Manhattan? Or would I just daven b'yechidus?

If I were there three times a day every day since age 13, would I treat it with the same reverence I do the few times I go to shul annually? Can I guarantee that I wouldn't consider shul a drudgery at a certain point? Nobody knows for sure.

If that's the case, do I have a right to demand more from a potential spouse?

Pesach Prices

2009-03-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, Assemblyman Dov Hikind has been advocating price regulation this Pesach, due to the economic state.

Every year, we whine about the price increases that come with Pesach; many of which never seem to go away. I remember writing a piece inquiring about the inflated meat prices.

People suggest that the butchers sell Kosher L'Pesach meats in advance, not for the Martha Stewart-types whose kitchens are pesachdik two days after Purim, but to enhance their own bottom lines.

This year, finally, things are different. We are no longer tolerating price gauging.

Pesach is expensive regardless. Even with stable prices, Pesach food is an expense. Between Matzah and wine, depending on the size of your family, you've already been set back a significant amount of money.

I am not G-d forbid implying that this is a burden. Can you think of a better way to spend the money that G-d has given you than on a mitzvah?

I'll take what I can get, and am satisfied with the current war on price gauging -- that is, if it successful. Yet, I would like to know what took so long for people to step up to the plate, and say "no more"?!

Clearly, the fact that our economy is in shambles is what motivated people to finally take a stand.

But why not until now? !

Purim 2009

2009-03-11T20:19:00.001-07:00

This year, my brother said he might be going to a different shul to hear megillah. One that is considered modern orthodox, rather than the, well, they call-themselves-yeshivish one my parents usually go to.

I was enthusiastic about joining him, even though we weren't sitting together.

I walked into the women's section, and thought, "Great. I can handle this." I didn't know anyone there, but I imagined they'd be pretty friendly. Three teenagers approached me and asked if the seats next to me were taken. They in fact weren't. The girls requested that I, and the woman seated next to me, moved down one. "Thank you," they replied. "Sure," I said, thinking they'd initiate conversation.

"Ohhmiiiiigoooooooodddddd!!!!!!!" One immediately shrieked. Her friend was directly behind her, and they all suddenly had, "like, the funniest, like, story," to tell.

These girls were dressed pretty much how I would dress. Casually. Denim skirt. Ugg boots. Although I wore a long black skirt, and my "Ugg"s are $50 Skechers, I knew people weren't looking me up and down, analyzing my clothing to pieces. I was dressed pretty much on their caliber.

Megillah finally started, and they were quiet. Till the middle of Perek Alef. "Omigod, like, how much do we have left?" one said, between smacks of gum. "Where are we up to?" Another barely whispered. "Look - he's so cute!" One began. Another was TXTing. This was a constant conversation - as if they were in a pizza shop.

I thought back to a teacher in high school who told us she went to hear Megillas Esther 4 times because she wasn't yotzei. Sorry, I'm not on her madrega.

My mind raced. I fought to keep up; concentrating on the meaning of the words was out of the question. What was really going through my mind was, "did I catch that word?" and "how can I tell these girls off without having them call me a bitch the minute I turn around?"

Besides, I couldn't talk during megillah anyway.

That was Purim night.

Rewind a year. I walked into my parents shul, and remembered I was supposed to have dressed up. No, not in costume. Fancy I mean. What I wore all day would not suffice for this crowd.

I wasn't in a stained denim skirt or anything. I was casual. Probably the same black skirt, knit sweater.

And I was completely ignored - well, other than the up-down-and-away looks I received upon entry. You couldn't pay those girls to be seen with me.

I had completely forgotten that in that shul, young women must always have their hair perfectly styled. Blown dry to perfection; not a strand out of place. A ponytail? Not if you're over the age of 8. Fresh make-up must also be applied before attending megillah. (Not the case in the MO shul)

So, I begin to wonder: Are my only options people who dress like me, but talk during megillah, or people who dress to kill, and judge me by my clothes, but remain silent?

Like Big Bro #2 always says, "Death of the in-betweeners," right?

(I already discussed the issue of kids in another post, so I didn't bother here. That'd be repetitive.)

All A Guy Ever Wants Is Sex, According to Charedim

2009-02-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

Charedim try to "dance at all parties" by making sex completely taboo, yet fearing it looms around every corner.

This past week's Chinuch Roundtable in the Yated made me kind of upset.
The question came from a parent who has two teenaged daughters and an 8-year-old son. They live near a frum drug rehab center. The residents there are in their 20s, have gone off the derech, many come from rabbinical households or yichus, and are"hungry for a home. "

She asks whether she should worry about the influence that these kids will have on her children.
"I would like to know your feelings regarding exposing children to these types of boys and their sometimes off-color comments." In other words, do the benefits of such a mitzvah outweigh the risks?

In my opinion, she answered her own question when she ended her letter with the following, in parenthesis for some odd reason, "In the last few years, some of these boys have become Shomer Shabbos. One went to Eretz Yisrael and one even married a frum girl."

The rabbis on the panel were faced with a tough question. Many of them wrote that they asked their own rabbonim to get their thoughts on the matter.

What surprised me was the number of rabbis who chose to focus on the males in their 20s in the presence of teenaged girls. It's not about the drugs. It's not about the off-color comments. It's not about the 8-year-old getting funny ideas in his head. No. It's about the chance that one of these guys would hit on the teenagers.

Notice that the writer didn't mention anything of that nature that happening over the past few years. I think these guys know that if they were to do anything inappropriate, they wouldn't be allowed back there. Thus, had they attempted to hit on the daughters, the writer would no longer have this question.

Clearly, these young men value these meals, and are grateful to be invited to a warm, welcoming frum home, and they are willing do what it takes to maintain a good rapport with this family.

I have a lot of respect for this family for giving these guys something that they perhaps lacked throughout their teen years. A warm, welcoming home. We don't know for sure, but I'd venture to say that this family had a share in the other young men's successes.

The rabbis go so far as to say even if these guys were bachurim in a yeshiva, they don't belong in a home with teenaged daughters.

This attitude only allows me to conclude one thing. These rabbonim seem to think that every man is a horny animal and every woman is a sex object.

I have a brother 3 1/2 years my senior. Does that mean he should never have any friends over? Do these rabbis think that we'll be playing footsie under the table since he's a guy and I'm a girl?! Is every guy that horny?

A healthy ta'avas nashim is necessary for the functioning of any male in society.
In other words, yes, men want to have sex. That is how Hashem created them.

Nonetheless, this doesn't mean that every guy is a sack of raging hormones, and every girl is a sex object. There is more to both sexes than, well, sex.

One rav wrote, "Even if these bochurim were the best bochurim in Lakewood, they should never be invited to a home that has older daughters." (If "older" is 19+ and they are seeking a learning guy -- well, G-d forbid a shidduch come out of this and prevent the two of them from experiencing the sometimes painful shidduch system! That would be just tragic, wouldn't it -- Sorry, I digressed. Couldn't help it.)

Clearly, the other very important issue at hand, which I believe is what the letter-writer was really asking, is whether these guys who "fell into the wrong crowd" and throw in an off-color comment once in a while, put the children at risk. That is for another day, perhaps.

Arranged Marriage TV Show

2009-02-02T12:32:00.001-08:00

Read about it here

I don't get it. Why don't they just follow around a few Chassidim?

(CBS apparently likes talking about their marriages anyway...)

Reverse Proposals?

2009-01-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

On Z100 this morning, they were discussing the idea of a woman proposing to a man.
Elvis was begging his colleagues, and many listeners, to open their minds to the new way of doing things.

Someone mentioned that this was a way of bringing equality between the sexes, and the more traditional method of a man proposing to a woman has become outdated.

Whhhaaaaat?

In the book He's Just Not That Into You, the authors note that according to their study, 100% of relationships initiated by the woman failed. Now, they're not saying that after the couple has been dating a year, the woman proposed, and therefore the relationship failed.

Also, judging by the casual style the book was written, I wouldn't imagine their "studies" were purely scientific.

In many ways, salaries for one, I'm all for equality. Wasn't there an equal rights amendment that was unsuccessful? For good reason. I do not want men in my restrooms or fitting rooms, thank you very much.

I find that if a woman has to propose to a man, she loses the upper-hand in the relationship. Not like she had much of it to begin with.

The nature of these relationships is that the guy pursues the girl; generally not the other way around.

Would any of the women in the audience consider proposing?
How would the men in the audience react to that?

Dating From Home

2009-01-12T06:08:00.000-08:00

"Oh, so, y'know who's engaged?" My mother asked.

I just looked at her. "Some 19-year-old pisher," I thought to myself.

"So-and-so's daughter. And you know what? She was never picked up from her own home. She was either picked up from the shadchan's house, or arranged to be picked up from somewhere else." (And, yes, it was her first guy. And she was 18, not 19, silly me.)

"That's ridiculous," I said matter-of-factly.

If it were me picking up the girl, my initial reaction would be, "What is she hiding? What doesn't she want me to see? Why is she so immature?"

"Yeah, but this girl didn't want anyone to know she was dating. She was afraid her neighbors would see," my mother explained.

"I don't know, if you're old enough to date, you're old enough to be seen being picked up for a date."

"Okay, that's your opinion," my ever-so-diplomatic mother replied.

I think I can honestly say that one of my neighbors keeps better track of my dates than I do.

He'll be outside when the guy opens my car door for me (if he has that courtesy) and say something like, "Oh, let me get my garbage cans out of the way..." and take a good look at the dude.

When I went out with a guy with a red car three times, there were questions about "Michelle and the guy with the red car."

When I was standing on a corner (on our first and last date with one another) with my date after a minor fender-bender in the neighborhood, someone assumed I was getting engaged because I was outside with a boy in my neighborhood. "What you saw yesterday is over," I informed this individual, when I met him on the street again the next day. "That's too bad, my son and I thought you were getting engaged." (In this case, I honestly don't think he realized what he said. At his daughter's vort, his wife gave me an actual sincere 'IY"H by you,' so I can't really give this guy a terribly hard time.)

When you are picked up on a date, yes, there is a possibility that you will be seen. I understand that some people's neighbors aren't mature enough to handle seeing their neighbors on a date.

Nevertheless, I find this new "not dating from home" trend idiotic.

Dating in your own neighborhood is another story for another day.

Perhaps a girl who is not mature enough to tolerate being seen being picked up for a date is not mature enough to be dating, period.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

I endured Ryan Seacrest for about 30 seconds Wednesday night when at 11:55 p.m. I realized, "I'm up anyway..."

Happy New Year, everyone!

And once I get working on one of my approximately 71 drafts sitting in blogger, you'll have something new to read!

"Religion Aside..."

2008-12-20T18:09:00.000-08:00

The topics of abortion and gay marriage arose in casual conversation with some friends recently.
Since I always like to hear how people feel about things, I asked my friends their thoughts.
"Well, it's assur," my friend stated matter-of-factly. She mentioned that she hadn't come up with a position on those issues since she didn't give her license to think about these things. The Torah did it for her.

"Okay, well, religion aside..." I began. For her, there was no such thing.

I know that the Torah is our primary source for, well, everything.
And, I don't plan on marrying a woman anytime soon.

But what if I'd say I don't mind if two men get married?

Sure, that's against the Torah. But do I have a right to think outside Torah? May I think "religion aside, it's okay for two men to get married"? Or was I wrong for even entertaining such a thought, weighing the pros and cons...because our religion is against it?

When living in America, anywhere, for that matter in 2008, we come across many ideas that disagree with what the Torah says. I by no means encourage violating Halacha and the mitzvos in the Torah.

When I think about these issues, sure, I know that they're halachically assur. But I want to have formed that opinion on my own.

Again, that doesn't mean I'm running to violate these halachos.

So why is it wrong to put halacha aside and think about these things in a theoretical sense?

Thoughts On NASI

2008-12-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

N.A.S.I. -- It stands for North American Shidduch Initiative.

For those not familiar, let me attempt to explain the concept. According to them, the Shidduch Crisis is caused by the large age gap between husbands and wives.

With the population increasing, Baruch Hashem, about 4% each year, there are more 18-year-old girls than they are 23-year-old girls. Aaaand, thus more 18-year old girls than there are 23-year-old guys.

So if the logic that there's an even number of guys and girls of each age holds water, then, yes, bridging the age gap would pair up more couples close in age, thereby having more people available to others.

Part of their campaign, besides for paying shadchanim whose successful matches involve couples close in age, is to get the word out there, the awareness out there, that it's OKAY to date someone close in age to you.

The incentive offered to shadchanim to paired couples in which the girl is older than the guy is approximately $2,000.(I believe that due the economic downturn they changed it to $1,300.)

Through this initiative, boys' mothers have been less reluctant to allow their sons to date young women closer in age to them.

After Googling the Shidduch Initiative, I found this on matzav.com, and copied and pasted the portion I found relevant in explaining the numerical disparity.

"Note that if boys age 22 want to marry girls who are 20-years-old, there will 5000 boys searching for a shidduch from a pool of 5200 girls. This means that 200 girls will be left without a shidduch, and all 5200 girls age 20 will be going through a crisis, since all 5200 are “competing” for the same 5000 boys. This is besides the renewed agony of the 22-year-old girls who are the “leftovers” of the past two years, and are now being rejected by the 22-year-old boys. This scenario will be multiplied yearly as boys search in a larger pool and reject those in their own age group.

"Now comes the conclusion you can draw from all of this: If boys would marry girls their own age, there would be no disparity at all – you’d have e.g. 5100 boys age 21 for 5100 girls age 21, etc."

Their idea is not a bad one.

They have good intentions. However, I have two complaints:

1- How many 19-year-old guys have you met that are ready to get married? By the time the girls hit 19, panic has set in. But dating 19-year-old guys makes no sense.

Even at the ripe old age of 22, the same-age guys I went out with felt like I was dating my little brother. They admitted that they felt they wanted to be kids forever. Yes, there are some mature 22-year-old guys, but the majority are not ready to get married.

Now that I'm 23, I think there'd be less of a maturity difference with guys my age. But these girls would rather have 4 root canal than turn 23 and still be single.

2- The economic crisis has hit a large percentage of Americans...that includes Jews.
When large corporations such as CitiGroup, Merrill Lynch, and others lay off workers, many are bound to be frum Jews. We know that the cost of living, especially in New York, even without luxuries, is extremely high.

I have a certain amount of Ma'aser money that I can give, and some discretionary spending as well to contribute. If I have a choice, I am giving organizations that help people feed their families. Families who never had to ask for anything in their lives are now in awful situations, and whatever limited funds are available from any donors should certainly go there.
Big donors are no longer "big donors" and give whatever they can.
Granted, there are other worthy causes: RCCS, Bonei Olam, etc.

So why in these economic times would I pay off a shadchan because she managed to beg some 24-year-old guy to give a girl his age a chance?!! He should have had that common sense to begin with.

Some might argue that these shadchanim could probably use the extra funds. That's true. But I prefer to give it to organizations that help people put food on the table, and other things.

Personal Proposals?

2008-11-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

I recently asked my NEF, as BadForShidduchim would say, (Newly Engaged Friend) how her chosson proposed.

To me, that was always one of the standard questions. "What's his name, where's he from, where will you live, how did he propose?"

Trust me, I don't ask that to many people. Only the ones I care about (or was curious what kind of spouse they'd end up with).

"Ummm, that's personal," my friend replied. "It is?" I asked.

I thought back to my cousins, and even some of our mutual friends, I knew many proposal stories. I always considered the marriage proposal one of those cute stories to share, and a bunch of people volunteered the story whether I wanted to hear it or not.

One friend's husband proposed to her in a menu at a restaurant they frequented. He taped a piece of paper on the inside that asked the Big Question. So at the vort, it was passed around.

Another printed out his best version of a bill from the restaurant that they were going to, and wrote their names in the lines where the waiter would write their orders...and at the bottom asked, "Will You Marry Me?"

My cousin rented a horse and chariot to propose. Someone else surprised his kallah with a limo ride, replete with champagne and a large bouquet of flowers.

So to me, proposals aren't that personal. Some guys get thoughtful and creative, while others get a little carried away, and go overboard.

So, I open the floor again, Do you think proposals are personal? If not, how were you proposed to/did you propose? and/or what would your ideal proposal include?

Keeping Track

2008-10-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

When my most recent friend got engaged, I asked if she had a number.
"A number?" she asked. "Like how many times we dated?" she asked.

"No, what number this guy was," I responded.

I know, this doesn't sound unlike the secular question, "How many partners were you with before me?" Who knows if they keep count either.

My friend said she had no idea.

Another friend told me she can count to 15, but otherwise, her siblings have to help her, and even then she doesn't know how many.

Me? I sat down and wrote a list a coupla months ago. Cuz I knew I'd forget otherwise. Thought I had a number, then my brother mentioned someone I completely forgot about. No, I won't tell you what it is. None of your gosh darn business.

I don't know why, but G-d willing when I get engaged, I'd like to know (roughly) what number the guy is.

I'm curious- Do you keep track of people you've dated? Why or why not?

Yes, I Do It For Shidduchim (NOT!)

2008-10-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

When my mother was giving some of her friends a ride and I was in the car as well, I understood my duty as the "child" in the situation was to sit in the middle seat in the back.

When one woman asked me if I'd like to move over, I explained that I sat in the middle intentionally. She thanked me, and said sincerely how respectful that was.

While it could have stopped there, another woman in the car felt the need to elaborate. From the front seat, she turned around to declare that "Wow, Michelle is so respectful! Oooh, should we put star on your chart so if anybody calls me for information about you, I can tell them how respectful you are?"

First of all, I'd better hope you have more important, and nicer, things to say about me than the fact that I sat in the middle of the seat for 7-minute car ride. (No, we were not overloaded. One woman in the passenger seat, and three of us in the back.)

Second, um, I'm not five.

(Honestly, if she did tell that story, I think it'd have a bad effect. If that's all she got, we're in trouble.)

When I did another small favor for someone a few weeks prior, she also mentioned that it would be added to her "Giving information about Michelle" repertoire.

The idea behind these two scenarios is that apparently nobody can do anything because they feel it's right anymore.

Not that they appear on my "reference" list necessarily, but since they're in the community, there's always the possibility that they'll get a call asking about me.

Some friends have received comments of a similar nature. Thankfully, not from me.

I have proudly given information about my friends, and, yes, I am sure to mention little anecdotes that feature their wonderful middos and inspiring spirituality. Never will I tell them, "Well, great, now that you did this for me, I can tell all the women who call about you just how blah blah you are!!" Because they're not five. And I know that they did what they did for me, (or someone else) because it was what THEY felt was right, not because they knew I'd repeat it.

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE THINK WE DO THINGS TO BE TALKED ABOUT AND NOT BECAUSE WE THINK THEY'RE THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

Don't get me wrong; It definitely doesn't hurt to tell someone inquiring about a young woman an act of chessed that she has done. But to assume that the only reason we do things is so that people will tell stories about us in the way of Shidduchim? Please.

One thing I DID do for the sake of Shidduchim, though: I kept my mouth shut for once.

Shana Tova

2008-09-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

As always, I have a few drafts waiting to be worked on!
Bli Neder after Rosh Hashanah, I will get something up.
In the meantime,

Happy and Healthy New Year To All!!!

May this year be filled with geula, simcha, mazal, bracha, and all the good stuff for Klal Yisrael.

Stop The Charade

2008-09-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

I know, I know- a post with this title can go many many ways...especially coming from a cynic living in Brooklyn.
However, today I have chosen the topic of the Internet...yet again.

Ask anyone in Lakewood willing to admit he has the internet-- his response? "I need it for business." Riiight, so you learn full-time, but you need it for "business."

Why won't people just admit that the internet is pretty much a necessity?!?!

No stupid charades about needing it for business. Whom do you think you're fooling? You need it, you need it. Nobody should harass you about it.

Saying that nobody should have the internet because of the porn and other unsavory things available is like telling a guy he can't go to Shoprite because he may be overcome with a craving to try Hormel Chili.

I understand, yes, the internet is a threat. Even a recent issue of Redbook credited the boom in the porn industry to the internet.

Anyone who has internet in their house HAS used it for purposes other than business. Shopping, recipes, e-mail, general research. There are many clean, innocent uses for the internet.

Why is that so hard to believe??
Why do people assume that someone who has the internet in his home is -- or will become --a porn addict?!

These wives in Lakewood have every right to use the internet. I'm sure online shopping is a tremendous relief for those with full work schedules and B"H children who are quickly outgrowing their clothing.

Not that I'm too hot on matching outfits, but imagine how much easier it is for the typical working mother in any frum community to be able to buy all the kids' clothes at once, rather than going to the store to find they have Shloime and Rivky's sizes, but not Yankel's and Devorah's?

Then there are the new comings of "KosherNet" - hopefully a little more foolproof. If that helps, Kol HaKavod.

Yes, having the Internet at home can make porn more accessible. I am not singing the praises of the Internet (although I could, if you'd like me to) I'm simply saying that people should stop making believe that they only have it for business. They don't. And that's OKAY!

Research: A Waste of Time, Or Useful?

2008-08-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

I set out to write a post about research. I searched my drafts, and found this from almost 2 years ago! Updates have been made, but it is just sad how much things haven't changed.

I don't have much exposure to the MO community, but one thing I've noticed is that they don't research Shidduchim nearly as much as the yeshivish. Why?

I'm not even talking about the ridiculous questions, whether they use a plastic tablecloth on Shabbos, or if the wife comes to the table in a robe Friday night, or whether they stack dirty dishes at the table. I am hoping that questions like that are asked by just a tiny percentage, and tend to be repeated because they are so inane and simply meaningless.

I just mean the phone calls in general. When I go out with out-of-towners, and I used to beg my parents to at least make two phone calls, the guys got suspicious. The references are annoyed and don't understand why we call to ask about the guy, if I can just get to know him on a date.

The attitude among the MO is, "let the kids go out." They won't ask a million questions to make sure the couple is 100% compatible. I have mixed emotions about this practice.

I've done it; no research, just giving it a shot. Obviously, thus far it hasn't worked. Then again, I've done research, found out great things, only to find on the first date that it was a total load. So thus far, neither method has worked. I don't think either method particularly will lead to success; although some might contend that with less research, I'd be more inclined to date someone that I hadn't previously considered, and find out that he is my soulmate. (IY"H, when I am successful, I will bli neder let you know which method led me to it.)

The way it works among the Yeshivish is that conclusive research is conducted before their first date. So much research that the only thing left to find out is whether they get along, their personalities mesh, and whether they're attracted to one another. Well, as part of research, the boy's mother has already seen the girl in one way or another, and determined that her son will find her attractive. (In other words, she is pretty enough for her to proudly express, "This is my brand new daughter-in-law!" at the next neighborhood or family gathering.) So, basically, since the girl is not allowed to ask much about the guy's looks, they have to find out whether she is completely repulsed by him or not.

Sometimes you find things out on a first date that you couldn't have found out by asking information anyway.

One time, my mother agreed to make a phone call about a guy. He lived nearby, so she called a neighbor of his that she knew. His neighbor said to stay away. I called a guy I knew from college who learned in the same bais medrash as he did, and the consensus was to stay away. But that was once. Obviously the guy is some sort of freak show if everyone we asked about him didn't even do the phony "he's such a great guy" shpiel. In this case, research proved useful.

On other occasions, the guys sounded great on paper and turned out to be nothing like they were described. Their references described them a certain way, but I learned on the date that it wasn't accurate.

I've discussed ridiculous phone calls I've heeded in honor of my good friends. And many of them appalled me. "How does she dress?" "Why does she wear a ponytail?" "Why did she attend this high school?"

One person was turned down before a first date because of a reputation of being "quiet."

The problem is, let's say you've gone out twice, and decide, well now is the time for research. The couple has already built some sort of a relationship. Those are based on trust. Doing research at that stage shows a complete lack of trust. "I know we've met and everything, but I don't trust you, so I am gonna go call people to ask them about you." That'll go over well.

So? Research or no research?

Top Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

2008-08-08T06:28:00.000-07:00

I've actually been working on this post for close to a month due to its sensitive nature. I consulted with Isaac Kaplan and other male characters to determine what the top turn-ons and turn-offs are on the guys' side on shidduch dates.

I consulted with my friends for the girls' aspect as well; I have included their submissions within the girls' lists. (Thus, do not assume I completely agree with everything that follows)

It's obviously really important to keep in mind that personal preference makes a plays a large role in these situations; when I was consulting with different people about these lists, sometimes people suggested polar opposites of one another. Some people mentioned things that I didn't really agree with, or fully understand, but I included them anyway; it isn't about me and my preferences. It's a collection of a bunch of people's preferences.

Turn offs:
GUYS (In no particular order)

Girls who don't talk at all/Talk too much - this is complicated since the whole date is based on talking, and how are people supposed to know what's too much and what's too little?

Girls who can't make a decision - "wherever you want...whatever you want...I don't care..."

Finicky - "Well, we can't go here, we can't go there..."

SuperJaps - self-explanatory

Bad table manners - slurping your soup is not advised

Arrogant/Showing off - they get it! You do chesed! You're frum! You're smart. Let them figure it out in context!

Perfectionist - "Ummm, there's too much foam on my grande nonfat half-caff vanilla latte"

Inappropriate dress - leave SOMETHING to the imagination, will ya?

Loud and whiny - think "The Nanny"

Lies - it'll all come out in the end anyway, one way or another

Very negative - "This stinks, this is terrible, I don't like this..."

Saying, "cool" or "like" too much - Do you, like, think you're, like, too cool or something?

Drama Queen - "OMG he didn't open the door for me, does that mean he doesn't like me?"
Girls who talk with a yeshivish accent - It's not quite geshmak
Trying to impress me with her knowledge of sports when in reality, she's clueless - give it up! - it's okay, we get it, you're a girl. You don't like sports. You don't have to.
Refusing phone calls before the first date - If you're not able to handle the call, I don't think you can handle the responsiblities of marriage - grow up.
Girls who dump you for not wearing a suit - It's not Shabbos.

GIRLS

The guy shows up late without calling/apologizing - you have my number, buddy, USE IT. Fashionably late need not apply

Keeps checking his cell phone, or you hear it vibrate - you wanna answer it already?! You think I can't hear it?!

Is rude/unfriendly to the cashier/waitress - I don't want to be ashamed to go places with you if you'll talk to people like that

Aggressive driver - Wouldn't you like my dinner to stay down? So would I.

Egotistical - Are you on a date with a girl, or yourself?

Shlumpy - Did your mother take a look at you before you walked out the door?

Lack of Eye Contact - Apparently this issue arises in the more yeshivish community - Just pretend we're your sister, or Hillary Clinton

Very Quiet - "Yes and no" are not adequate responses. I don't enjoy giving three-hour monologues.

Turn ons:
GUYS

Attracted to her - on most planets, the guy is supposed to be attracted to the girl. Yes, he should know the difference. It's not his mother's job to decide whether he's attracted to the girl. (-- Note that I didn't say "pretty," because as cheesy as it sounds, I believe that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.)

Smiles - "I can't stand a girl who won't crack a smile on a date"

Contributes to Conversation - What did I tell you about the talking thing, eh?

Girl who knows what she wants - make suggestions, agree to what we present enthusiastically if that's what you want. Don't just agree to what we suggest to make us happy. We'll see right through it.
Girl who doesn't girl who doesn't blush when you mention a TV show, movie, etc. - Just keepin it real
Initiates topics of conversation other than "how many siblings do you have" or "where did you go to yeshiva in israel"? - a little depth never hurt anyone
Competitive when you go for pool, ping pong, etc and doesnt feel like she has no shot just because she's the girl - we can handle being beat by a girl. We think. We hope.
Good taste in music - Yeshiva Boys Choir fans need not apply
She offers you gum - rules are made to be broken. Well, that one, anyway

GIRLS

Friendly/Down-to-earth - Girls like smiles, too.

Shows that he's listening - We like when you ask questions about what you heard, and seem interested in what we have to say.

Nice to the cashier/waitress, etc. - The way you treat them reflects on how you might treat us in the future (if there is one)

Deep/Mature - Jewish geography won't get you to the chuppah; we like to see a thinking process behind all that magic

Not cheap - You don't have to order the most expensive thing on the menu, but don't make us feel guilty for ordering something other than dessert

Prepared - Mapquest or GPS always makes a good impression; have a destination in mind. Better yet, a reservation if necessary. Know the nature of the date beforehand, casual or formal - nobody enjoys Starbucks in their Shabbos suits.

What are yours?

Am I Keeping Busy, or Doing Stuff?

2008-08-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

To those with whom I have consulted regarding another post I am working on: Due to my bad internet connection and unreliable computer, a close-to-finished draft is saved on MS Word on my other computer. I hope to have that post up as soon as I can.

Meanwhile, please enjoy another supermarket story:

"So, how you keeping busy?" a well-meaning acquaintance asked when I met her at a supermarket.
"You mean while I sit on my butt and wait for my zivug/bashert?" I wanted to respond.
"Working," I said, with a subtle raise of my eyebrow, and a matter-of-fact tone. Like, "what did you expect?"
This situation reminded me of Constructive Waiting, an excellent post on Still in Shidduchim.

Did the woman at the supermarket think that's all I'm doing? Sitting and waiting?

When I meet acquaintances on the street, I usually greet them by asking, "Whatcha up to these days?" Even, "What are you doing with yourself nowadays?" is a little less demeaning than
"How ya keepin busy?"

It's interesting; I consulted with a few friends before posting this. I told them the story and awaited their reactions. Some gasped in horror, "So what did you tell her?!" Others wondered why I told them about some lady I met at the supermarket who wondered what I'm up to these days.

So, take it how you want it. The outcome was pretty much 60-40, mine. It's not like everyone agreed with me necessarily.

Let's say someone would ask me that when I'm married. I'd have a different retort. "Kids don't keep me busy?" "Ever seen laundry up to your eyeballs?" "Cooking, cleaning, the usual," I'd respond.

I just think that's a condescending thing to ask anyone, really.

Happy Belated Blogaversary!!

2008-07-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Something's gotta be wrong if you forget your own birthd--well, Blogaversary!

It's been four years, folks.

FOUR (4) years. When I read some of my old posts, I think about how my thoughts on some issues have changed; and how others have barely evolved. Maybe it's the remains of some Bais Yaakov kool-aid, or ... um, can I get back to you on that?

Four years ago, I had just finished my first year in Seminary, and was prepared to begin the next year, and I was knee-deep in Brooklyn College. If I'm not mistaken, I still thought kollel was the ideal, and it was just a level for me to "aspire to."

Four years ago, I had high hopes. I thought things would go well. I guess they still can.

Four years of bitching and moaning has done wonders for my skin. Try It!

Here are a few things I've learned since I started this blog many moons ago:

Remember to tell people how much they mean to you on a regular basis
Don't base blog posts on people who actually read it!! (Sorry)

Positive, happy-natured posts receive either no feedback, or some mocking comments

Negative posts can elicit more comments; some personal attacks

If someone doesn't know what "Brooklyny" means, they probably are...oh, wait, I knew that already.
Follow your gut about your make-or-breaks when dating (Yes, I am saying that despite the fact that I am still single.)
Don't try to understand others' plight; don't expect them to understand yours
Many of the Yated letters are fabricated, (but are still good fodder)
Don't forget to renew your library books when you're on vacation
Never disagree with a Shadchan. Even respectfully. She might never call you back
Always have your Shidduch resume ready to be e-mailed at a moment's notice (but don't expect to hear anything back from them.)
Find the positive in people, things, and situations...(I have learned it; just doesn't make it to the blog...see above)
LG cell phones have a crappy battery
Don't bother shopping in H & M if you're neither flat-butted, nor well-endowed, no matter how cute the stuff looks in the window

That's right, folks, I learned these very important life lessons the hard way so you don't have to.
All in the past four years. If that isn't wisdom, I don't know what is.

Going To The Country?

2008-07-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't figured out whether this is one of those things that you don't realize until you're an adult, or something that's actually changed, but you'll let me know.

It seems that people are much more back and forth from the country than they used to be.

Maybe when I was a kid, the economy was in a better place, and most mothers were able to have summers off; they only visited the city for a Simcha, or if G-d forbid, there was an emergency.

To me, the city ceased to exist for July and August. When we returned, the house was immaculate (how much damage could my father have done on his own?), and that first drive through the neighborhood shook me back into reality. The one that was about to start all over again. It was back to uniforms, school, and homework.

"This store closed down; this one opened up; this one got a new sign/awning..." we'd comment as we drove down the deserted streets late Saturday night.

A buncha years ago, my mother began to work during the summers, and a few years later, I was attending college here, so the country ceased to exist in my mind. Woodbourne was just a memory. South Fallsburg? Maybe I passed through once on my way to Wal-Mart.

But it feels like that separation no longer exists. More mothers are venturing back into the city during the week to work. The trip doesn't seem as long as it used to (despite rising fuel costs), and it isn't as much of a hassle.

People nonchalantly "go up" at the drop of a hat for a weekend, or a few days, especially with the advent of "summer homes" that are winterized and allow for a getaway all year.

I mean, I heard that Route 17 New York that we use is a relatively recent thing, and the trip used to be longer, but that was waaay before my time. I just remember when I was a kid, "going up" usually just meant at the end of June, and that was it.

When my father arrived Thursday night, my mother always reminded me that "Daddy had a long trip here..." and I thought of that endless drive to our bungalow and wondered how he endured that each week. Whereas now, when men and women make the trip multiple times a week, it's seen as less "long." I still wonder how people endure that (especially the drivers) each week.

Last summer, parking was not as easy as it had been the past few summers. Streets were not as deserted. Now I see more schoolbusses for daycamps. These daycamps, some of which have been around for years, seem brimming with kids. (Although I was never around as a child to see what they looked like 15 years ago)

So, is it just me, or do people travel to and from the country more frequently now? And if they do, why is that? Or am I just noticing this because I'm older?

*btw, I know the "is it just me" bit belongs on my other blog, but I figured it related here too.

My Contibution to Bad4's Shidduch Musical

2008-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

My vast interest in secular music has led to me, well for one, to see their shidduch crisis as well as our own, but in that easily relating their lyrics- with small changes, of course- to the world of Shidduchim.
For those who are unaware, this is a contribution to a blog that is so well done, it makes me give up hope for ever writing my own Shidduch blog! BadforShidduchim - What can I tell ya? The kid knows what she's doing. Before you get lost in her world, read this!!!

I know it's lame, but my first song is Paula Cole's "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"
I got the original lyrics here
(And sorry I couldn't keep the syllable count the same)

Where Have All the Bachurim Gone?!

Oh you get me ready in your '08 Lexus
Why don't we go sit down in the shade
Take shelter in the Brooklyn Marriot
The mid-summer sun scorching,
I'd like a glass of cold Diet Coke (hold the lemon)
The maid do our laundry if you pay all the bills

CHORUS:

Where is my gadol hador?
Where is my talmid chacham?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the bachurim gone?

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and read a sefer
And I'll fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from leaning on the shtender
How do you take your coffee my sweet
I will raise the children if you[r parents] pay all the bills

Chorus

I am wearing my new dress tonight
But you don't, but you don't even know the difference

We finally sold the Lexus
When we had another baby
And you took the job in yeshiva
You made friends in the halls
And you joined them at the shiur
Almost every single day of the week
I will wash the dishes while you go to night seder

Chorus

Where is my yungerleit?
Where is his shteiging shuckle?
Where is my bashert?
Where have all the bachurim gone?
Where have all the bachurim gone?
Where have all the bachurim gone?

Age Really IS Just A Number

2008-06-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Women in their 30s and 40s always claim that "age is just a number," since they are the same exuberant youthful woman they were in their 20s. The validity of that statement is debatable.

I actually experienced age being "just a number" recently at a cousin's Bar Mitzvah.

I have a cousin who is a year and a day older than me. She's married with two kids, we'll call her Tzippy*. One of my male cousins married a young woman a month or two apart from me (don't remember whether she's younger or older) , and she has two kids as well, we'll call her Yaffa*. I actually like both of these young women a lot and enjoy their company. You'd think family simchas could be a breeze with two cousins so close in age to me. (Two cousins I actually like, at that!)

Oh, and I have another cousin who's 2 or 3 years younger than I am who is also married with a child, let's call her Yocheved*.

When I arrived at the bar mitzvah, my cousins, aged 16 and 17 (who were always a little too young for me to hang with), Devorah* and Chani*, were extremely friendly and welcoming, and we proceeded to pose for photos together, at their, and our parents' request.

So we're the new trio. Devorah and Chani, to their credit, weren't treating me as though I'm a nebuch case, but it was expected that I was to hang out with these high school pishers.

I never had much to do with them before. I know that six years is different when it's 22 to 16 and when it's 16 to 10. But since they were always the group below me in age, I never really associated with them.

What happened here?

Tzippy and I remember our joint birthday party when she turned 5 and I turned 4. Despite cultural differences, we always hung out at family simchas, and get along great, B"H. Then when my cousin got married a few years ago, and I met his wife Yaffa, I liked her instantly, so she we hung out too. Tzippy and Yaffa are genuinely nice people and are great company. However, a few years later, these relationships are no longer relevant according to "adults" and the general expectations.

Obviously, Tzippy and Yaffa didn't abandon me. (If they did, I wouldn't like them and speak so highly of them.) But the way everything is set up at the simcha, and the way Devorah and Chani have embraced me into their group, and the general attitude among everyone, it seems I have been demoted to hanging out with them.

Now, math wasn't my strong point. Let's do some anyway. Tzippy, who is a year and a day older than I, is 23. I am 22. Yaffa is 22 as well. Devorah is 16. Chani is 17. Noticing a pattern? Even Yocheved is only 2-3 years younger than I am.

See? Age is just a number. It doesn't matter that Tzippy, Yaffa, and I were born in 1984-1985, and Yocheved in the late '80s. These kids were born in the freakin 1990s!

But...

There is no ring on my left finger.

No husband waiting for me on the other side of the Mechitza.

No sleeping baby in a non-Bug-A-Boo stroller.

Because of these circumstances, (which many of them believe I created for myself) I am 16 again!

*names changed for id purposes

Where Are The Helmets?

2008-05-28T20:03:00.001-07:00

Biking is catching on.

Maybe it's the high gas prices.

Maybe it's the environmentalists.

Maybe it's the exercise.

Whatever it is, I'm pretty okay with it. (Although they do make me nervous as a driver when we share the road.)

I just want to know ONE thing: Where are the helmets??

For some reason, these Yeshiva bachurim are under the impression that their black hats will protect them as well -- if not better than -- their helmets.

I understand this poses a problem for boys who want to ride their bikes to yeshiva and don't want a dorky basket on their bikes. They can't leave it in Yeshiva because they need it for Maariv.

Biking to school is a good idea. But what happens with the helmet/hat scenario?

I also see young children rollerblading through the streets without helmets.

I don't get it.

Do these parents teach their kids that it's better to look "cool"while risking their lives and health than to look like a dork for an hour (or however long they're out)??

I have seen fathers biking with their sons, ALL wearing helmets. (I seriously wanted to stop the guy and tell him how much I respect him and what a good example he's setting, but I'm not 80. And I'm not THAT weird.)

If the parents do it themselves and set an example for their kids, they'll be more likely to do so. Peer pressure is one thing when it comes to a belt or a shirt, but helmets are another story.

So you might say the parents sent the kid out with a helmet, but they took it off. Somehow I doubt that.

How many unfortunate accidents C"V would it take for these kids to realize the importance of helmets?

"...one-third of children hospitalized for a bicycle-related injury were diagnosed with traumatic brain injury, a statistic that is significant for its correlation to the number of injuries that may be preventable through the use of bicycle helmets."

Yeah, I'm Being Judgmental Again

2008-05-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

The supermarket was pretty empty.

Each register had 2 customers in line, max.

I had a basket with a few items, and found an open register.

As the cashier is ringing me up, I start fumbling through my thoroughly disorganized knapsack for my wallet. A woman shows up behind me. "I just have to find my wallet," I tell her with a friendly smile.

"Great, so now I'll get a ticket," she rolled her eyes in response.

"Well, then why don't you try parking legally?" was on the tip of my tongue. I'm good with the sharp retorts, people.

"Sorry, that wasn't my intention," I said aloud, blushing.

I looked at the other relatively empty registers, contemplating recommending them to her, figuring that by the time she got there, someone with a full cart would get right in front of her, and someone with more items would get behind me.

"Sign, please," the cashier interrupted my thoughts as she handed me the receipt. Should I sign really slowly? I asked myself, my chest tightening.

"Now! Now! Say it now!!" the voice in my head dictated.

I looked back at her, thinking this is my last chance. She tapped her finger impatiently on her box of ices.

"Sorry," I said again, as I hurriedly picked up my bags and left.

The steam coming out of my ears might have been visible when I left the store.

Why can't the woman park legally? or do without the ices?

I'd understand the scenario had this been in a pharmacy where it's extremely difficult to park. Meds are important. They can be earth-shattering.

Park legally, and you won't have this problem. Or do without the item. Yes, I should have been more responsible and had my wallet out sooner, but what if an item I was purchasing wasn't in the computer, and she had to ask someone? Don't leave your car unattended at a hydrant or bus stop for freakin' ices. Invest an extra quarter in the meter. Or do without it.

Sometimes people actually do feed the meter, and end up either losing track of time, or getting held up. In that case, I completely sympathize with the person. But if she knew she only had 2 minutes on the meter, either leave, or add another quarter.

I was just peeved at the attitude this woman gave me when I was clearly being apologetic to her.
It was NOT my fault had she gotten a ticket. It's not my fault she decided to park illegally and act like a total bitch to me.

On a separate note, I wondered whether the situation would have been the same had she been of the modern ilk, rather than the "yeshivish." But then again, that's part of the not-really-ever-proven stereotype of "modern people are more polite and have better middot than the yeshivish."

The Jewish Press: A dose of reality

2008-05-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

Since 10th grade when I mentioned The Jewish Press in class, I've been around a lot of JP-bashing.

"The Jewish Press is not our type of paper," my teacher gently reprimanded me.

Honestly, I can't remember if they covered the topics they do now in the "Family Issues" section way back when, but even so, it wasn't "our type of paper."

Well, that's too bad, since my mom's been reading it for over 30 years.

As far as I know, it's the Rachel Bluth "Agunah Chronicles," which became "Chronicles of Crises" a couple of years ago, that's been getting people hot under the collar.

People have complained that they discuss inappropriate topics. To name a few, the most memorable ones have been the porn-addicted husbands, women whose husbands are friends with other women, men who lust after other frum married women, and feel that their marriage would be more loving and fulfilled with these other women, homosexuality, and lack of a sex life.
Even Dr. Yael talked about infidelity.

Here's the deal, though: These are REAL issues that people in our community face.

There are gay frum Jews. Deal with it. (Although some might consider "gay and frum" to be an oxymoron.)

Guys cheat. Guys gamble. Women cheat. Women gamble. Women do "favors" for other "frum," married men. Guys lust after other frum married women. We're not above this. Idealists like to think we are, but we aren't.

It's 2008. Things change. Society today is much more open than it was even 30 years ago, and these people who are suffering need a forum in which to discuss their plight.

This column, I'm sure, has helped many people in need, as well as informing the public of issues that we face.

To deny that there are frum couples who cheat would be foolish and naive. To deny that frum men, even ones who look yeshivish, enjoy pornography would be unintelligent.

The letters in these columns demonstrate the realities of frum life of America 2008. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. They don't claim to be anything they're not.

To the credit of the Jewish Press, they made it into an insert that can be easily removed from the paper before the kids get home from school.

What it comes down to is, if people disapprove of its content, they have the Yated and Hamodia which haplessly idealistic about Republicanism and Frumkeit and basically publish AP stores

Would you rather bury your head in the sand and pretend these issues don't exist?
What will that accomplish?

Pandering Tzedaka Ads Make Me MADDDD!!!!!

2008-04-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I should be writing something about Pesach.

Isaac Kaplan pretty much summed up how I feel about hotels on Pesach. In his piece, he mentions that a sum equal to these exorbitant amounts of money spent on hotel stays should be contributed to charity. Meaning, if a wealthy family chooses to spend $15,000+ on Pesach, they should donate a like amount to Tzedaka.

On the topic of Tzedaka, my fingers have been itching to type this post since Shabbos.

We received an insert from a particular organization, chronicling their "success stories."
It was the most pandering, condescending, and patronizing thing I have ever seen.

They told a story of a young man, who, of course, struggled with shidduchim. A story about a young woman in that position would be, well, obvious. This young man tried everything, from davening at Kevarim, receiving Brachot from Gedolim, but to no avail. He suddenly decided to donate to this organization, and for some reason, had his mind set on donating $2,000. Not $20. Not $200. Two thousand dollars.

Since he didn't have that kind of money hanging around, he collecting from whoever would give him so that he can donate to this organization...and whaddya know? Before the money was even delivered, he was redt a shidduch....need I finish? Didn't think so.

In each one of this obnoxious anecdotes, they were sure to stress that the donation was a "significant sum" or a "very considerable amount," or, more bluntly, "very generous."

Their point was that if you donate to them, you will see a yeshua.

Let's get this straight. You talk to me like I'm a nebuch case, desperate, willing to try anything, and all I have left is donating to your organization. Then you say that in order to have a "yeshua" like these people had, I need to donate "generously." You say your organization is backed by "Gedolim." You hang illegal posters all over Brooklyn, and spend countless dollars on condescending advertising. I don't know. Why should I trust you?

Yad Eliezer, on the other hand, was the lucky recipient of my check this Pesach. Why? We received a letter in the mail on a plain white sheet of paper, in black ink. They simply stated the cold, hard facts regarding the declining value of the dollar combined with the rising cost of food. No pandering. No promises for Yeshuos if I donate "a considerable amount." I gave what I could, and that was all.

And, oh, yeah, have a Chag Kasher V'Sameach...whatever's left of it. :)

Uninvited

2008-04-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I wasn't really invited in the first place. Just paying homage to Alanis Morissette.

Anyway, these few weeks, my parents have been invited to various Smachot in the neighborhood on Shabbat for meals. That meant three weeks in a row of leaving their kids on their own for either Friday night dinner or Shabbat lunch.

I don't like that.

I especially didn't enjoy hosting my little teenage brother and his two friends on my own for lunch. Nice kids, but baseball really isn't my thing.

When my parents made my brother's Bar Miztvah a few years ago, they thought about how much they hate leaving their kids, and did what any considerate person would do. They invited families rather than couples. So rather than 40 "friends," my parents hosted my relatives and their closest friends (about 5 non-family families) for lunch. That was it.

The others were invited to a kiddush and the evening, but they did not encourage leaving kids on their own for Shabbos meals.

One might argue that you encourage politics this way because people start comparing, "wait, you were invited and I wasn't?" but that happens all the time anyway.

Some might argue that the host has the choice whether to invite the guest, and the guest has the option to decline. My parents justified each week, saying that there wasn't one they could have missed.

Since I'm the middle one left at home, and the youngest is 16, the situation differs from my friends who are generally oldest children (hmm, what does that say about my personality?). When the youngest is 5 or 10, it's a lot harder to leave them.

In most families, both parents work, the children have different schedules, and a family dinner with everyone at the table only occurs on Shabbos. Why take that away from people?

(Don't get me started on separate seating on Shabbos)

I say that the ba'alei simcha should either invite whole families or nobody at all.

I'm No Yenta, But...

2008-03-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

You should TELL us when you're pregnant.

No, I don't mean you should call me the day you find out and announce it to me.

But once you're conspicuously pregnant, assume it's common knowledge, and feel free to share it with friends.

I just mean that if you live in-- where else--Lakewood, so I certainly won't be seeing you in person and chances are the next time I hear from you it will be announcing the birth of your child, the least you can do is warn me.

Not like, "by the way, I'm pregnant," but something a little more subtle like if I ask how you've been, reply, "well, I've been busy with my doctor's appointments," to which I'd probably respond, "Is everything okay?" and they'd reply (hopefully) "Baruch Hashem, I'm due in ____."

Is that so hard?

Nor will I be the type to announce to anyone I meet, "Hey, guess what, ____ is pregnant!" However, if someone asks me how someone's doing (unless they told me not to tell) I might throw in that she's due in X number of months. Why? A little head's up never hurt anyone.

My close friend (A)who attends a graduate program with a friend who moved to Lakewood, with whom I've spoken maybe 6 times since she got married. I talk to my friend (A) at least a few times per week, but she never mentioned a word about it to me. About a week or two prior, "I thought I could let you know, since her relative told me, but ______ is due any day."
"Haven't you been seeing her the whole time?" I asked, looking puzzled.
"Yes," my friend (A) answered. "But I didn't feel it was my place to tell you until her relative told me." Don't get me wrong. I respect this girl (A) a lot for not being a gossip and respecting someone's privacy. After all, did I ask ONCE knowing that she sees every week whether this girl was pregnant? NO.
Now, I wasn't expecting a phone call, "OMG you know who I saw is pregnant?!" or "Someone told me ____ is pregnant!" Those are obnoxious, gossipy, and yentish.

But people know how to weave things into conversation.

Don't mind the fact that last I spoke with this girl, I would imagine she was "showing" already and could have easily let me know.

Girl D (I know I skipped some letters) is still close with one of my close friends (F). She explained that this girl (D) didn't do her usual Mishloach Manot because she "just couldn't." I figured the kid was pregnant, but I wasn't about to ask, "Oh, why, is she pregnant?"
But a few minutes later, in my house, we went on Only Simchas and found this kid's birth on there. "Ohh! She had a boy!" My friend exclaimed.

Same deal with this girl. Perhaps this is one of the many reasons I'm friends with them ( A & F). They're trustworthy, non-yentish girls.

But here she was, "ready to pop" as the yeshivish would say, yet my friend wouldn't tell me, "Well, she didn't make this Mishloach Manot since she's due any day and it's hard for her now."

One young woman called another friend of mine before Purim. They hadn't seen each other in a while, so this girl (E) called Girl J and said something to the effect of "I plan to come to you on Purim. I know you haven't seen me in a while, and I wasn't able to let you know last we spoke since I wasn't showing then, but I didn't want to show up at your door 6 months pregnant and shock you."

Now, I think it took courage for girl E to do what she did, but she is 100% right. I don't think she was trying to shove it into girl J's face. She just didn't want to shock her, and I think that's the right (albeit a bit harder) thing to do.

I hate selfish little you-know-whats

2008-03-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

A while after I wrote my previous post, I headed out to shul to hear Megillah.

While we were still in Perek Aleph, a child, who must have been about 2, and is probably pretty cute ANY TIME BUT NOW started babbling. Audibly. I expected to hear some shuffling as the mother dutifully lifts her child out of the chair and leaves the room. But I didn't. There was more babbling.

As far as I know, if you miss one word, you have to hear it again. In high school, a teacher told us that one year she had to hear it 5 times to be yotzeh. Well, I wasn't gonna have that.

Then the kid started to shake the grager--you guessed it--NOT when the Baal Koreh said "Haman." Between that and the babbling, I tried harder and harder to focus, and started to read along, whispering the words in case I missed something. (My brother later informed me that that was incorrect as well.)

I was pissed. I was pissed-er than pissed. There was steam coming out of my ears. I was FURIOUS!!

This selfish little you-know-what was gonna let her child and her own convenience trump everyone else's obligation/Mitzvah? People are depending on others not to disrupt the reading.

If any other women were disrupted because of her child, it should be HER fault. She should have to go hear it 10 more times. She should have left. She didn't.

She could have hired someone. She could have sent her husband now, and gone later.

There was no reason for her to disrupt everyone else. I saw other people turning around trying to figure out who it was.

All she was thinking was, "well, if I leave now, I might have to come back later, or go to another shul. So what if my little Moishele/Leah'le makes his/her adorable little noises? At least I heard Megillah, and everyone got to see him/her in her ADORABLE costume."

Like I said, it was so crowded, I couldn't detect who it was, but that's a good thing. Considering the choice words I had for her, the Ona'as Devarim probably would have been worse than not hearing every word of Megillah.

Purim

2008-03-20T15:56:00.001-07:00

Do I have to say it?

Don't get drunk off your butt and make a Chillul Hashem.

Drink in moderation and behave yourself. You don't own Brooklyn.

"Mommy, Why Do We Have A New Governor?"

2008-03-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

I know you're probably sick of reading about Spitzer. So am I.

Now that he has resigned and we have a new governor taking office Monday, my sincere hope is that the teachers in the frum New York schools will deem this important enough to inform their students. But what will they tell them? Why are we getting a new governor? (David Paterson, ONE "T," thank you, Yated.) What happened to our old governor? Why did he have to resign?

I've been thinking:

The frum media, like the Yeshiva World, Yated and Hamodia didn't explicitly say what caused New York Governor Eliot Spitzer to resign. They alluded that he was involved an in "immoral crime ring." Last I checked, all crimes were immoral, but that's besides the point.

Are the papers right for hiding that fact? Say they would have written "prostitution," the paper would be deemed inappropriate to be brought into a frum home. A young Bais Yaakov girl would pick it up and begin to wonder what a prostitute is. Or worse, a young Yeshiva Bachur.

When I was about 11, I was reading the TV listings one Sunday morning at the kitchen table. (Some things never change.) I saw that "Pretty Woman" was airing. I had heard of it, and knew that it put Julia Roberts on the map, but that was all. The description mentioned a Streetwalker. Wise 11-year-old that I was, I asked my mother. "Someone who does non-Tzniusdik things," my mother answered, blushing. "Oh, you mean like a prostitute?" I clarified. My mother nodded. "Oh, so why didn't you just say so?" I asked, rolling my eyes, and looking back into the newspaper.

All this even before the Hamodia used the word "prostitute."

Basically, everyone knows what kind of "immoral crime ring" Spitzer was involved in. My question is whether the Jewish media's decision not to specify and use the word "prostitution" is sheltering people (most of whom already know) or a nice Tzniusdike standard that they can be proud of?

Banning Lipa

2008-02-28T23:58:00.000-08:00

I know, I know--every other frum blogger is writing about the ban and all. (I am not claiming to know much about Lipa, the Kol Koreh and the process. )
Despite that, here's my take:

The Rabbanim who signed the Kol Koreh may not have known exactly what they were signing. Some people might have ulterior motives... Assuming the Rabbanim knew what they signed..

Trust me, I'm no Lipa fan, but why make an example of him?

Whose decision was it to cancel the concert? Despite the ban, I'm sure those who were interested would have gone anyway. This reminds me of my post "aimed at no one." Whom are they targeting here? Who will listen? Who will take them seriously? Practically no one.

The ban seems random, too.

A commenter on Vos Iz Naies suggested a kol koreh against people who are dishonest in business. Well, if only people listened to these darn things.

There are many more serious moral and religious issues plaguing the community than a separate seating all-male performing concert.

If they were worried about "ta'aruvos," they accomplished nothing. The guys and girls will meet elsewhere.

If they were worried about him adapting goyishe tunes, they'd better go after everyone else as well. Even the song "Yidden" that's played at Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs (or was that only in the 1990s?) rooted from non-Jewish Germans.

If they were worried about "Laytzanus," (Lightheadedness--[is that a word?]), one must ask where one draws the line between fun and lightheadedness. I'd consider The Chevra, who desecrated Kadeish in their song, more Laytzanus than Lipa singing about...well, whatever it is he sings about.

Fellow blogger Isaac Kaplan also discussed this and compared the situation to Imus. At first I thought he was crazy. The more I thought about it, the more I agreed.

I'm not saying I'm for or against Lipa.

I am against bans. They're pointless.

Sheitel Shmeitel

2008-02-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

I must preface by saying I appreciate this woman thinking of me, and I am glad she called. Like they say, "one man's trash is another man's treasure." (or something like that)

A woman who has a daughter "of age" called my mother recently.

"I might have someone for your daughter, but I have one question before anything," she warned. She talks loud. I heard this through the phone. I worried and wondered what she could have in store.

I held my breath as my mother asked, "Sure, what is it?"

"Would your daughter be willing to date a boy whose mother doesn't cover her hair?"

"Of course. No problem," my mother replied without hesitation. I breathed a sigh of relief, and rolled my eyes.

"Oh, because my daughter isn't willing to date anyone whose mother doesn't cover her hair," she replied matter-of-factly. (I guess that explains why she's willing to pass the guy on to someone else)

My question is, WHY NOT?!

I understand the significance of head-covering. I do. That's why I plan to do so when I get married IY"H, but to reject a guy on that basis, to me, seems narrow-minded, and possibly a little foolish.

Many guys from MO communities where it is more common not to cover one's hair than it is to cover one's hair end up more sincerely frum than the ones born to yentas in Flatbush who wear sheitels that look better than their real hair (a pet peeve of mine, of course).

Obviously, this is a more important concern than tablecloths and shabbos robes. I wouldn't ask whether the mother covers her hair when a shidduch comes up, because that's not important to me.

What's important to me is that her son respects me for covering my hair, and respects his mother even if she doesn't.

Emulating Gedolim

2008-02-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

Most of my education revolved around "emulating gedolim."
In fact, many young Yeshiva Bochurim say that they "oy" rather than "oh" because the "Gedoilim do it."
Why do you wear your Tzitzis out? Why do you have peyos behind your ears? Why do you only wear white shirts?
Many kids would say, "because the Gedoilim do it." Obviously, the Gedolim have a reason for what they do, and in Yeshiva, they probably tell that to the kids. (Although I can't think of a reason for "oying.")

As a woman, we're told the Gadol stories, and the ones about their wives.

Among the stories of these Gedolim, there are often stories of their Hakaras HaTov to the chef; how they'd go out of their way to do something nice for someone else; how they wouldn't be a chossid shoteh, and help someone even if the circumstances might sound iffy...

Where did that get lost in the "chinuch"? When was the last time you saw any of these kids thank a chef? A waiter? Anyone?

I've seen it once or twice.

But have any of them gone into the kitchen, or near the kitchen, without looking like they're "trying to emulate a gadol" to say thank you?

Very few.

I'd say, "A gadol wouldn't double-park, wouldn't call a Hispanic worker 'amigo,' "...and that whole rant, but the people who really try to emulate Gedolim, I think, don't do that. I hope anyway.

If you want to emulate the gedolim, isn't it more meaningful to thank people than to say "oy"?

Super Tuesday

2008-02-04T16:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know why many of my friends haven't even bothered to register to vote.

For those who have, and the primary is in your state tomorrow, PLEASE PLEASE VOTE!!!

I am annoyed that people don't vote. This is our country, people!

More to come on another topic....soon IYH

The Old Hishtadlus Argument

2008-01-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

I discovered that I have mixed emotions toward a few issues. That's normal, right?

Anyway, here's one I'm constantly debating in my mind.

A woman was telling me about her trip to Israel. She explained that she and her husband didn't wait in any long lines to see Gedolim because she didn't feel it was necessary.

B"H Parnassa isn't an issue, she has two children who will soon enter the "shidduch parsha," and B"H she is healthy.

Her rationale was, "why should I waste his time when people have real problems?"

On a similar note, when someone mentioned a shidduch meeting to her, she said that her daughter is still young, and did not want to waste others' time because it is not so pressing.

I admire her for that. She realizes that others are in more need than she is, and she shouldn't bother others with her "petty" issues.

On the other hand, why discount the value of a Bracha? Doesn't everyone need a bracha from time to time?

I know another woman who has been marketing her daughter like she's an old maid since the day she stepped off the plane from Seminary. Bugging everyone she knows, distributing resumes left and right...Is that "hishtadlus" or idiotic neurosis?

I'd still prefer the first woman's attitude.

One of my teachers in high school got engaged when I was in 10th grade. She had taught in the elementary school as well, and had gotten to know my grade very well. She about 26 at the time, she told us. She gave an emotional speech of what it took for her to come to this day in her life.

She had a copy of some Tefilla (was it Tefillas HaShlah?) and told us she had been saying it since her teacher gave it out in whatever grade it was. She distributed a copy, and convinced us that the reason she got engaged when she did was that she had said this tefilla daily since whenever.

What does that say about the many, many young girls who get engaged at 19 with nary a tefilla on their lips?

Had she gotten engaged at 26 regardless of whether she said the tefillah or not? Or had she not said the tefilla, would she have gotten married later? Did it really matter???

P.S. I'm not sure the two scenarios connected...but I still made my point, right? ;)

Debate Team? Sign me up!

2007-12-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my high school experience, for the most part, sucked. I didn't participate in the few extra-curricular activities we had.

Every year, each girl had a "job," like Shabbaton, Yom Iyun, Layl Iyun...all the fun stuff. The few times I actually attended the meetings, I could have been invisible and inaudible. I figured, Why miss class for this? So I stopped showing up. And nobody cared.

In order to do something for these events, you have to be: rich, popular, a good dancer, or a good singer. Preferably all of the above.

So, you guessed it. I was forced to attend, but did nothing more. I am not much of a performer. Especially these cheeseball songs. I can sing in a choir, but I refused. They tried convincing me, but I wasn't going to risk having those dreadful lyrics stuck in my head.

So that was the extent of our extra-curricular activities. Many girls were excluded in the same way I was. They didn't fit the mold, and weren't part of the clique, so their ideas went unheard. Our events were yeshivish, cheesy, and trite. Not like I could have changed that. Censorship was rampant...but that's a story for another day.

I recently had the opportunity to speak with the principal of a large Modern Orthodox high school for girls. Not a Bais Yaakov. Not in Brooklyn.

I got very jealous very quickly. She described the various outlets that her school provides for the students to develop as people. She said she wants her students to know that they're good at something. So if it isn't volleyball, it's the school newspaper. If it isn't the mock UN, it could be the debate team. The list went on. (Obviously, this adds up to astronomical tuition. But I'm asking for maybe half of these activities in Bais Yaakovs!)

My school newspaper in high school was a bunch of kids who were selected at the beginning of the year who wrote some kiss-up boring articles. I wasn't allowed to join. I wasn't asked to be editor, despite my blatant interest in writing. Everyone knew I liked to write. Since 3rd grade. I mean it.

Anyway, I got to thinking about why the local Bais Yaakovs don't have these things. It led me to a "chicken and egg" debate. Which came first? The lack of interest in the kids, therefore, the schools don't bother? Or is it that since the schools don't bother, the kids are not interested.

I did some research. I asked random people who I knew graduated from a local Bais Yaakov (yes, they probably thought I was nuts) whether they would have liked these kinds of activities.

The consensus was a "no," and a look of, "why would you even think of that?" One person made a good point, "let's say you get three kids on the debate team," noting that three would be a lot. "Who would actually watch these debates?" she asked. "It would be considered so nerdy." So I said, "not if it's about where the best place to buy shoes is."

In these Bais Yaakovs, where they expect us to live in a cocoon until we hit the workplace--(which, of course, should be frum anyway, right?) Which issues would we be able to debate? Abortion? Chas V'Shalom. Legalizing Marijuana? What's marijuana?

UN? Huh? Considering I was the only one in my class who actually took notes in my American Politics class, something tells me that wouldn't be a success. (I highly doubt that girls in MO schools considered American Politics boring, but that's a story for another day.)

Why are these schools less intellectual/academic than the Modern Orthodox? Well, actually, maybe they're academic in different ways. You do know that I was expected to memorize which Gadol had 200,000 people at his funeral, and where it was? And who put his hands on someone's head and said something, and what did he say? Yes. This will help me grow and develop my talents. This will certainly prepare me for college.

The goals of the MO schools are to allow these young women develop their talents, nurture their hobbies, and grow into confident, capable, well-rounded women.

Goals of Bais Yaakov? Kollel Mommies. Go to Touro for OT, PT, Speech, Psychology, Special Ed, and support your husbands in kollel.

I know, I know...

2007-12-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry that I've been remiss in posting.
I've written a few drafts, but haven't finished any yet.
I have a final tomorrow. After that, keep your eyes peeled!!
Just make believe you missed reading my blog, ok?

Principled Woman, or Spoiled Brat?

2007-11-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

Alright. Here's the deal. There might be some ambiguity, and it's just to protect my sorry butt, and the identities of those involved in the situation.

So my mother and I picked up friend X, and drove her to meet my mother's two friends,Y & Z, who had come in a separate car. One of those friends (Y & Z) has a daughter who also brought her friend along.

When it came time to go home, the friend who had the other car, (Y) suggested that my mother drive home everyone else, since she was headed somewhere close to where we had been.

This is about a 15-minute walk from any of our houses, and about a 5-7 minute car ride. There was nobody else around to give anyone a ride.

Here's the problem. There were 6 people. Me, my mom, X & Z, the girl, and her friend. My mother drives a mid-size sedan.

"You can squish, right?" Friend Y asked, rhetorically.

Now, any normal person doesn't mind a few minutes of discomfort to do someone a favor. I don't mind squishing...if it were legal.

I objected however, for two reasons: It's illegal and unsafe. If one girl sits on the other's lap, and a) we pass police, or b) my mother makes a short stop C"V, we're in trouble.

Now, I knew if I offered to walk home, which, to be honest, I wouldn't have minded so much, it'd make a scene. People would think I'm trying to be dramatic, and manipulative if even I'm not. That's just how things like that are perceived. Even if you say it in the most gentle manner, people think you're being passive aggressive. Then people all start saying, "No, I'll walk...it's okay..." and everyone throws a fit about how they're okay walking, and I've started something too big for itself. It's just a 5-7 minute car ride. That would just be waay too dramatic.

So, I said, "I don't like this idea. I don't mind squishing, but I don't want to do something illegal and unsafe. I'm not very interested in getting a ticket C"V..."

While friend Y was out of earshot, her daughter wasn't.

The girl, Thank G-d, is one of the nicest, sweetest, most sincere girls I know. She recognized the issue, and approached her mother. I don't know what she said, but her mother agreed to drive her home. "Nothing personal!" I shouted after her. "I know," she said with a smile. But I felt like I really offended her, and might have even embarrassed the kid. She doesn't deserve that. She was probably willing to squish because she didn't want to inconvenience/disrespect her mother.

So, I got my way. I felt like a spoiled child. But I was right.

"You're a principled woman," one of my mother's friends in the car told me. "Thanks," I replied, unsure of her intentions.

I don't think Friend Y is evil. Ignorant and unaware, yes. Ill-intentioned? No.

Why would someone put my mother in a position of doing something unsafe and illegal, just to save herself a few minutes? She was only headed to visit one of her children. No appointment, no emergency. A casual visit.

She knew we'd have to squish, and it's unsafe and illegal. Yet everyone turned the tables to say that I was wrong. I couldn't think of a better way to handle it on the spot. I just didn't know what to do.

"I'm Just Calling To Tell You..."

2007-10-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was leaving class with a friend one day, and my cell phone rang. I generally try to keep a policy of parents-only when I'm with people. This time, however, a name I hadn't seen in years appeared on the caller ID. We had been close years ago, but lost touch.

When that happens, I assume the person's child/niece/nephew got hold of the phone and accidentally called me. I excused myself as my curiosity got the best of me, and answered, "Hey, ...did you call me by accident?" I asked.

"No, actually, I called to tell you I'm engaged." She said matter-of-factly.

"Are you serious or sarcastic?" I asked.

Many times when you haven't spoken to someone in a while, and they call you, you suspect that they're engaged. Knowing that, some people call me, and before I can ask how they are, they say, "Hi, Michelle, No I'm not engaged, I'm calling because..." So I figured she was playing me.

Chances are, she's reading this now. Hi, you-know-who-you-are. No hard feelings, kid. Just trying to think aloud.

Suddenly, she calls me to tell me she's engaged. Sure I was happy for her. But I was taken aback.

Would I have been offended had she not called me?

Would I have felt better had she "buried the lead"?

Shouldn't she have sounded excited?

My friends and I have had a similar debate going for quite some time. One friend says it's none of anyone's business until it happens.
Others feel that if you're close with a person, it's your responsibility to tell them that something's going on. It's their right to know.

This girl was right in the middle. We were close years ago, but lost touch. So it's a toughie.

Should you tell people if you're getting engaged? Or shock the hell out of them when it actually happens?

Guilt and the Holocaust

2007-10-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

In high school, we had a class called "Churban Europe" upon request of the "Gedolim." At the end of the year, the teacher screened a movie/documentary. I was crying so hysterically, I couldn't contain myself. I didn't want to cover my eyes because I didn't want to shelter myself from the harsh reality of what my grandparents endured. But I did. I peeked through the cracks between my fingers as my tears flowed through them.

Whenever I catch a glimpse of the numbers tattooed on survivors' arms, a chill goes through my body, and I shudder with guilt. I think of the agony, the living hell that they endured at the time those numbers were harshly tatooed on their arms. And now it's stuck with them forever. A reminder -every day of their lives of what they lived through. (Perhaps some see it as inspiration, that G-d kept them alive and all that. )

But are we supposed to feel guilty? Is this the purpose of the Holocaust education?
Besides, why call it "Churban Europe," just call it the Holocaust!! That's just trying to shield us again.

My mother, a child of holocaust survivors, picks up books here and there on the topic. "You should really read this," she says, handing me the book. I can't do it.

Am I just a spoiled little brat who can't handle the truth? Or is it my responsibility to cry my way through it?

In high school, we had to do a book report on one of two books, one was the Artscroll "Rav Yaakov" one, which is HUGE, or the Klausenberger Rebbe, which I think was like 200 pages. Obviously I chose the shorter one, and also felt it was my responsibility to read up on the important topic. The tears streamed down my face once again.

We had to write a personal profile for one of my journalism classes. I thought of my relatives who are holocaust survivors remembering how my Bais Yaakov made sure to have assignments of the sort all the time. We've all spoken to my grandmother at least once for one homework assignment or another. Why can't we just ask out of our own interest? I'm uncomfortable bringing it up, because I don't feel it's respectful.

We know that the survivor generation is dying out, and nowadays with Ahmajenidad spewing his hatred and denial of the Holocaust, it's important that we learn about it. But are we supposed to feel guilty?

G'mar Chasima Tova

2007-09-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Or G'mar Chatima Tova....

Just not "G'mar Tov," since that's wishing someone a nice end. Which is good, too, but hopefully very premature.

May this year bring Geula and Yeshua to Klal Yisrael.

Awaiting Moshiach

2007-09-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

"When are you coming home?" I'd want to ask my friend who was visiting Israel. I changed that to "back." I stopped myself. "Well, no, we'll join you," I told her optimistically.

I've caught myself doing that a few times. Many times, however, I'm met with a chuckle, and a "You're so cute..."

I mean, I always learned that we should always anticipate Moshiach's arrival. And I still believe that.

When my grandfather was sick in the hospital, I kept hoping and praying that he'd recover, and get back to himself, as he continued to deteriorate. "Zeidy, you'll come to my Bas Mitzvah, right?" I asked, imagining him fully recovered. Was it unrealistic of me to look at my Zeidy, weak, sick, delirious, and actually believe for a second that he'd make it?Probably.

My last year in Seminary, I found a card in my desk that had been all scribbled. Apparently someone had used my desk the previous afternooon. I looked under the scribbles, being the curious person that I am, and found that it contained Brachos to recite upon Moshiach's arrival. I was inspired by the distributor's optimism(unless it was from the Lubavitchers who think the Rebbe is Moshiach...), and thoroughly disappointed in the girl who had used my desk the previous day and scribbled all over the thing.

Does that mean she was bored? Uninspired? Did I take the card too seriously?

One day in 8th grade, we were told that there'd be a fire drill at one point during the morning. My teacher was sure to be efficient in anticipation of the loss of 5 minutes. Lunch time arrived, and still no fire drill. "If only we waited for Moshiach like we were ready for this fire drill," she pointed out. I think if people lived "al regel achas" anticipating Moshiach, life would be chaotic. Should I not apply to grad school because Moshiach "might" or "is" coming?

Should I preface every plan with, "If Moshiach isn't here by then, I'd like to go to Pathmark tomorrow..."

I guess wishful thinking is a good start, right?

Anyway, with that in mind, may this year BE THE YEAR!! (No, no, this "WILL BE THE YEAR!!")

Shana Tova

Guys Should Wear Them Too

2007-09-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

A woman's marital status is generally pretty easy to detect. In Brooklyn, it's is she wearing a sheitel? Is she wearing a ring? Does she have a child?

A man's, however, remains a mystery.

In the age of the "Shidduch crisis," I think that must change. I can think of two frum guys my age who wear marriage bands. The Yeshivish think that's a goyish thing. They'd probably ask why I'm even looking!

But I think it's smart. Say you meet someone, under kosher circumstances, but don't want to come on too strong. If you ask, "are you married?" you've just given yourself away. If you subtly glance at their left hand, you'll know where you stand.

At a recent wedding, I sat with a very Tzniusdik single woman. She glanced toward the men across the aisle before the Chupah began. "There are some cute guys here," she pointed out. She suggested that the guys wear something on their lapels saying that they're married. I didn't mind her saying it since she's not the slutty type in the least bit.

I did point out that she's judging the guys based solely on their looks. "Well, at least you have that part settled, once you get some information, you can decide if it's worth anything, but you don't want to waste time noticing married men." I see where she's going, but I'd get kinda mad if guys did the same for girls.

It gets complicated though. You don't approach them directly. You have to find someone who might know them, and you might find quickly that they don't meet your standards, or simply aren't compatible...despite that, it's worth it.

I think marriage bands, or a less controversial symbol of marriage should be acceptable.

Why Do People Say Stupid Things?

2007-08-24T12:06:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, we all say stupid things from time to time.

I already wrote a piece about "IY"H by you"s, but for those who didn't see it, to sum it up, I said it's okay coming from some people, but hurtful and condescending from others.

At my nephew's Bris a few weeks ago, a well-wisher said with a wink, "May this little boy bring a big boy." Groan.

I was a little thrown off, and took a minute to process her backhanded, cheesy-as-all-hell comment. "Say Amen!" she prodded, adding, "that was a Bracha."

In this case, perhaps an IY"H by you would have been better.

Um, it's called subtlety. Look it up, lady.

IMAX Is A Movie, Too

2007-08-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends decided to give up movies upon returning from Seminary in Israel. I don't have a problem with that. I, however, having gone to Seminary in America, have nothing against seeing the occasional movie.

Enter the newest Harry Potter installment. My friend, who feels the same way I do about movies, told me how she plans to take her little sister to the IMAX theater to see Harry Potter. "I have no problem going to the movies, but Shprintzi, our mutual friend, (not her real name) says she won't go to the movies anymore, and she wants to come with us, so she said she'll only go to an iMax theater." My friend is no fool. She continued, "Which, honestly, I don't get because it's the same thing as going to the movies." "THANK YOU!" I shouted into the phone.

Whom does this "Shprintzi" think she's fooling?! A movie is a movie is a movie. The general argument against movie theaters is the atmosphere. It's the same darn atmosphere. It's the same content. Maybe a different location, but it's a movie. This kid has no problem renting countless movies from Blockbuster, which are not as clean as Harry Potter. In fact, she's seen more movies this year than I've seen in the last 6.

Don't get me wrong; I respect those who can sincerely give up movies for the right reasons, and actually adhere to it. But when you claim that going to the movies isn't something frum people should do, but then insist on seeing Harry Potter in the IMAX, you're an idiotic hypocrite.

Maybe this just means I have no pride, but I feel like if I was in Shprintzi's position, I'd just say, "I know I wanted to give up movies, but I just can't resist Harry Potter. I really just want to see it in theaters." That's it.

Shprinzti, you're not fooling me. You're not fooling your friend. You certainly aren't fooling G-d. You're fooling yourself.

Blurring the Line of "Reality" and "Bitachon"

2007-07-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

One Shabbos, it was really hot out, and I had committed to going to someone for the meal. I felt the need for sunscreen, since a 25 minute walk at midday can't be very beneficial to the fair-skinned. So I have this liquid aerosol spray stuff, that, to be quite honest, I'm not sure I can use on Shabbos. You can't spray it directly in your face; the bottle tells you to spray into your hand, and rub on your face. Liquid.

I thought to myself, "should I assume that by virtue of being careful about Shabbos, the sun will have no effect on me whatsoever?" Or, should I believe in science, and think, "Sun. Ultra-Violet Rays. Skin damage (or G-d forbid, worse)..." Seventeen magazine had a whole section on skin a while ago, and those articles (probably the only thing worth reading in there) convinced me of the importance of sunscreen. Anyway, I was afraid that using sunscreen would show a lack of Bitachon, but not using it would be not doing my Hishtadlus. I guess it always comes down to that.

I guess you could compare it to the whole Neshama Yeseira thing: Many people claim that if they eat Kokosh cake on Shabbos, they won't gain weight. Because it's Shabbos. I think they just won't gain weight because of pure science. If they treat themselves to a small portion once a week, they probably won't gain. I wouldn't attribute that to Shabbos.

Similarly, I was taking a core class in college, and sometimes there are old tests available. Until a Rabbi in seminary said it was okay, I was very against it. I still don't like using them, but if it's a tool that's available, and legitimate, then I feel it's alright. When I went to pick them up, however, the girl said, "Oh, I don't know if anyone was able to sneak anything new," (since they changed the curriculum) I was shocked, disappointed, and conflicted. 'Do you know how these were obtained?" I asked. "I dunno," she replied casually. "You think it wasn't legitimate?" She shrugged, and said, "possibly." So here I was the night before a test, faced with this dilemma. I was dying to see what the exam questions were like. Just to see how they ask the questions to get a feel for it.

Again, I was met with the same thing. "If G-d sees that there's a test here, and it could be legit, and it could be not, and I'm not looking at it, does that guarantee a better grade on the test?" It's not like cheating, but I guess here you could compare it. One knows that if he cheats, he may get a better grade down here, but his grade "up there" is an F.

Keep in mind, though, that the sunscreen, I was doubtful as to whether it was assur. Same as the tests. So it wasn't completely defiant.

Shidduch Resumes

2007-07-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

For those who are unaware, the Shidduch resume is supposed to be a summary of all your stats, so your info is accessible to anyone who needs it.

So, you usually include your shul, schools, parents names and occupations, and some references.

That should be enough. However, in an effort to differentiate themselves from the next "smart, bubbly, frum-but-worldly" Bais Yaakov girl, people include things that I find unnecessary. One girl wrote that she was on the Dean's List in her college. Valedictorian is one thing. Dean's List? Isn't that, like, 99.99% of the frum people in Touro? This girl actually went to a real school, but still.

In addition, people like to write what they're looking for. That makes sense. But not a whole page worth. One girl had a page attached to the sheet of stats, delineating what she won't stand for. "I AM NOT interested in anyone who wants a TV in his house." I understand she objects to TV, but the way she wrote it seemed forceful, and thus, unappealing.

When you write about what you want, you want to be accurate. That's pretty difficult since, as we know, everything is done in code. "Short-term learner" seems to mean a faker who wants to sit outside Yeshiva smoking for two years while Mommy and Daddy foot the bill, and his wife parades around Flatbush with a bug-a-boo, and coach shoes.

My mother's friends have daughters who have just returned from Israel, and of course, in effort to avoid them being 21 and single, like I am, are hard at work on the resumes. For a half-hour, they discussed different terms, and debated the wording that would most accurately describe their daughter's suitor. Lemme tell you, one of these girls wouldn't know Nicole Richie if she stared her in the face. Paris WHO? I informed of her of the existence of iPods, in 2005. Clearly, I wouldn't consider her "worldly." (Yes, knowledge of Paris and Nicole determine worldliness) The girl is very Yeshivish, and pretty sheltered. She is, however, seeking a young man who plans to learn 2-3 years after marriage, and get a job. But she means LEARN. Not sit outside and smoke. So, we already know, "short term learner" doesn't describe that. "Learning forever" is too long for her. Then her mother came up with a good one, "What about someone who is working, but has a strong Torah value?" I laughed. Once you say working, forget it. They won't be impressed with her lack of Richie/Hilton knowledge.

Then they ask for only married friend references. Yes, the single ones with STEAL them away from you.

Then they ask who your siblings married, and where they're from, and where they went to school. Because that matters.

I do understand asking which schools the siblings go to. That's usually a decent indicator of the family's hashkafos and general situation.

And then they ask you to describe yourself. That's awkward. "I'm the nicest, sweetest, bubbliest Bais Yaakov girl. I have lots of chain. I was head of dance." Yes, they ALL were head of dance.

They tell you to describe the guy you want. That makes you feel so demanding. "Oh, jeez, you want middos, and a sense of humor? And non-smoker? now you're pushing it."

Oh! And every girl is pretty; every guy is "Tall and handsome," even when they're short and not very handsome.

So, what are these resumes worth again?

Don't You Know I'm Perfect?

2007-07-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

At a recent Simcha, I made acquaintance with some interesting young women.

The conversation inevitably led to dating, and something a girl said led me to ask, "Do you think people are flawed?"

"Well, not everyone is flawed," she declared. Did I hear right?

I certainly don't think it's my negativity and cynicism that made her repeat her senseless statement. It's called reality. Nobody's perfect. If we were, we'd be G-d.

I mentioned the banned "Making of a Gadol," which she had never heard of. I delicately explained the ideas discussed in my piece "Rabbanim are NOT G-d," which wasn't very well received. "I don't know Gedolim, so I can't tell you if they're flawed or not," she tells me. Wouldn't that mean she's putting her flawless friend above the Gedolim? I would think someone under the illusion there are perfect people would undoubtedly place Gedolim in that category.

She said she knows someone whom she'd consider flawless. I don't. I asked how often she saw this person, how much time she has spent with the person, etc. I didn't want to put her on the spot and ask who it was, and how she knew this person, but she made it sound like it was someone she was close with.

"You mean to tell me, this person has never gotten anrgy, has never lied, has never spoken Lashon Hora, has never hurt anyone, let anyone down, shown up late to anything, skipped a Tefillah..." I asked. Now, obviously, the things I listed are not general character flaws. They can simply be mistakes. Stuff happens.

"No," she repeated after each suggestion.

I just wonder if I am being cynical, or simply acknowledging reality.

The kid's engaged. She obviously saw flaws in the guys she turned down. Since she has this impression of potential flawlessness, does this mean she considers her Chosson flawless? Is she in for it big, or will she continue to delude herself into thinking he's perfect?

A little tangent: I think that anyone who thinks the Chosson or Kallah is perfect, or flawless, is delusional and in big trouble. I think it's important to know the flaws of the other person and decide whether they're tolerable and acceptable. It's one thing to have human flaws, which according to me, we all have. But to have bad characteristics (like dishonesty), should be unacceptable. And in Shidduchim, everyone seeks perfection, and that is a huge part of the "crisis..." but now I'm on two tangents.

Happy 3rd Brithday, IMHJO!!

2007-07-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been three years since my first post!

I look back at some of those, and laugh. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way.

I'd like to thank all my readers and the commenters who have the- um, courage- to identify themselves.

Happy Birthday IMHJO!!

Nobody Wants To Hear It

2007-06-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

You know how many speakers use everyday events as a mussar haskel, "I was on my way here, and I heard on the radio..." I come up with those all the time. I can almost predict what a Rabbi's saying in his speech if he witnessed/heard the same thing I did.

But the more I think about mussar, the more I realize that nobody really wants to hear it from anyone, anyway. If I were to write a really preachy post, -which I have done- people would say,-or probably already did- "Who is this 21-year-old 'Michelle' to tell me what to do?" Others however, feel it's easier to accept something coming from their peers, since it's more attainable, and think, "Well a regular Joe Schmo is saying this..."

But then when it comes from Rabbanim, it's the whole, "I'm not on the level" argument, or as I've mentioned previously, we have [unfortunately] begun to see many Rabbanim as flawed individuals, and feel that they can't preach if they're not perfect themselves. Because it's not like they're a regular Joe Schmo. They're supposed to be above everyone else. But now we realize that they aren't. I generally fall into the second category, "that's not on my level," which I must admit is a LAME excuse and a weak defense.

I think many people are just full of themselves, that they don't wanna hear it from anyone. They want to live life doing the wrong thing, and delude themselves into thinking they're getting away with it.

My First Goyishe Party

2007-06-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

My class threw an end-of-semester party a while ago.

It was the most fun I'd had in a LONG time.

Although I had to check every item for hechsheirim, and homebaked cookies were off-limits, the selection of Pringles, Pepperidge Farm, and Entenmann's clued me in. This wasn't the low-fat muffin parties of high school.

Certainly, I had to make it clear that I don't touch boys. I warned anyone who was in a picture with me, "I don't touch boys." My classmates were understanding; they even reprimanded those whose hands were lurking when posing for pictures, "Hey Stephen, watch out--you can't touch Michelle!" I wasn't asking for attention. People laughed, but I knew I was doing the right thing regardless.

I also, ironically, played DJ. Somehow, I was the only one who volunteered her iPod. I attempted to be politically correct, but my tempramental iPod didn't allow my Beyonce songs to play. Luckily I had Destiny's Child, Good Charlotte, Gwen Stefani and No Doubt. At first, I worried that the next song on the playlist would be nerdy. I quickly forgot that, and was comfortable enough to share my Dixie Chicks, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Spice Girls collection.

Sure, people made Jewish jokes. They also made lesbian jokes to the lesbian kid, and black jokes to the black kids. I just kept my mouth shut.

I thought back to high school. They would have had a kumzitz, sat on the floor, and chomped on lettuce. I'd be in a corner somewhere, talking to the few others who objected to this behavior, listening to my discman, on the phone, or writing. Some kid trying to be nice might approach me, and try to convince me to sit with them. They put their arms around each other, and I'd do the same, hesitantly. About a minute later, I'd be right back where I started.

Parties in high school were exclusive. They were made for and by the "in crowd," that existed whether you believe it or not. Why didn't we join the Kumzitz? Because we knew we'd be ruining it for them. They'd smirk at their buddies as they awkwardly placed their arms around our shoulders, as if we all had bad BO. The "cool" in crowd members weren't part of the kumzitz but would certainly object to us simpletons joining their conversation about boys we don't know.

This party was different. Very different.

I was wanted. I was accepted. I was called into pictures. I was confident. I was comfortable. I was happy.

Jury Duty-It's Your Duty

2007-06-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

I was summoned to Jury Duty early this year. They said that students should postpone to when they don't have school. I did that.

I showed up, sat in that huge room until 3:30 when my name was called. Then I was there till 5, and returned another day.

When I informed people of my day's plan, inevitably, the question was, "Why didn't you get out of it?"

Why not? Why SHOULD I??
I am an American citizen. As cheesy as it sounds, it's my "civic duty." Obviously the way the government is run is often irrational and unfair (traffic court, anyone?), but I think as Jews, this is an opportunity for us to show that we're not a bunch of leeches.

We already have a reputation, unfortunately, for always trying to get out of things, and whether it's true or not, many feel that Orthodox Jews get preferential treatment. No comment on that.

As a single young woman with no children and no executive position, I felt I had no valid excuse not to go. No lying, cheating, or stealing. So you take the freakin' train and sit there for a few hours, or perhaps a few days. I was there a little over a day and a half this week. And I'm still here, see?

Why are you any better than everyone else who actually shows up??? You were smart enough to con the government?

I caught up on my reading, watched NY1 until I knew all the footage by heart, and did some SuDoKu. Sure, I was bored. Tough luck. That's life.

But guess what? A little Hakoras HaTov to the American government for allowing us Jews to live here and practice our religion openly is in order.

Remember, this is NOT our country. Stop acting like you own it. This is our Galus-home. Make a Kiddush Hashem.

Please, do what you're asked, and don't perpetuate the Chillul Hashem of evading the law.

Aimed At No One

2007-05-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, there were these posters on lampposts in Brooklyn advertising a lecture entitled, "Menschlichkeit 101." I never looked at it long enough to figure out if I spelled it correctly.

My father aptly pointed out that it certainly isn't "Menschlich" to put your poster up illegally on a lamppost. The whole lamp post thing, by the way, is a terrible Chillul Hashem, but I don't want to get off topic.

Anyway, my question is, who is that aimed at?? Do you think someone would pass by, and think to him/herself, "Hey, ya know, I've been an a--hole all my life, and I'm gonna go to this speech to become a nice person."

It would probably be the person who is already a mensch, and is worried s/he isn't enough of a mensch. But the speech is wasted on the people who are already doing the right thing. It's like preaching to the choir.

I think we're all created with an inherent sense of right and wrong. Obviously that gets muddled throughout life, but people usually KNOW what they're doing isn't menschlich. They just don't care.

Like the people who double-park when they can easily pull over a few feet ahead. Or people who show up late and don't call. Or people who cut off others on the road for no apparent reason. The list goes on and on.

Also, "becoming" a mensch isn't something that's taught in a speech. It needs to be shown by example. And it takes a lifetime to instill in a person. Not just a few hours in a crowded room. (Ay, they can take those lessons and remember them....)

Similarly, I remember we had these Tznius posters in high school. Some cheesy puns about being "tight"...I don't remember, but they had them for shirts, skirts, collar bone...the whole deal. I looked at those posters, and laughed.

I've seen kids who were exposed to those posters breaking every rule and then some. They look like, well, I'll leave that to your imagination. Proof that this well-intended project was a dismal failure.

If a girl is already dressing B'Tznius, why does she need those posters? She knows what she can/can't wear. She doesn't need reminders about how assur slits are, since she'd never dream of wearing one.

Now, you might say, (which would probably only apply to the Tznius-poster issue)- What about the people on the edge, who can go either way? As the cliche goes, "If that poster changes one girl's mind, it was worth the whole thing." I don't think a poster'll do it for them. They're more likely to laugh at it than to say, "Oh, hey, this poster says slits are assur, so when I get home, I'll take all my skirts to the tailor." Certain things just have to come from within.

When a woman is ready to take the next step in Tznius, she'll know it. And it probably won't be from some cheesy poster.

Hot Guys- Frum v Non-frum

2007-05-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Throughout my four year stint at Brooklyn College, I've met many guys. Jewish, Orthodox, Athiest, Christian, --you get the picture.

Off the bat, I can name you about 5 non-frum really hot guys. The thing about them is, well, obviously I don't feel threatened by them since there's no chance. But also, they're not cocky. They act like everyone else, they're just hot. But they walk and talk the same way the ugly people do. Girls aren't all over them like a cheap suit. Sure, when they walk away, we talk about how hot the guy is, but we wait till he's gone, because it feels like he doesn't know it.

That's not the case with the frum guys. As we know, they come in very limited quantities, and the frum hot guys I've met KNOW IT. They know they're hot. Probably because all the frum girls fawn over them, and throw themselves at them. They're always surrounded by frum girls who are competing for the spotlight.

Hot frum guys become players. They have a way about them. I can't pinpoint what it is, though. It's a general attitude of, "I know these girls are gonna chase me." The few times I've been in the caf, and sat with these people, I was tempted to just laugh. I contributed to the conversation, but watching these girls flirt, as if they're all gonna get a piece of him, was pathetic. (And possibly true for all I know) I always see these frum guys with different girls hanging on them..and since the idea of platonic relationships with frum people is so lost, they're always flirting with one another. After spending much time in a same-sex environment, this co-ed environment becomes too hot for them to handle. The guys are happy to be hanging out with girls without the threat of being kicked out of yeshiva. Same for the girls.

These guys also find the need to boast about how they never do any work in school, and how they party. Do any hot frum guys actually do the work for school? Because many of the non-frum ones I know do.

I have yet to meet a hot frum guy who is as smart and modest as the non-frum ones.

And that sucks.

Candy Doesn't Kill

2007-05-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

Considering the large selection of kosher snack available, especially in Boro Park, I'm sure most households are full of candy containing loads of sugar, food colorings, corn syrup, and chemicals. Perhaps that's why there are some frum mothers attempting to start a revolution against junk food.

But guess what? Nobody DIES FROM CANDY!!!

Around Purim-time, appropriately enough, the Yated was flooded with letters one more ridiculous than the next making brash statements like, "How could any responsible Rav give a hechsher on candy?! Doesn't he know it's killing the kids?" Puh-freakin-leez.

If a parent is so irresponsible that all their children eat is snack, yes, I agree with these women. However, these women need to GET REAL. I know that most new snacks are creative, yet full of sugar, chemicals, blah blah blah. But you don't have to give your kids THAT stuff. Get them Florida's Natural nuggets, string...all containing about 65% fruit juices. Tons of sugar, too, but it's not pure junk.

These chemicals, which are regulated by the FDA, in small doses would probably cause no damage to these kids. People claim all the sugar causes ADD-I agree with that--Hasn't anyone heard of moderation? Or actually giving your child attention, so s/he won't feel the need to act out?

If you allow no sugar, and no snacks, these kids will end up with serious issues. They'll feel like they're being controlled, which can lead to different types of eating disorders.

Either they'll grow up craving the stuff, or will die of anorexia.

All kinds of snack was available in my house growing up, and lots of it remained untouched. We all knew it was there if we wanted it. So when we went to other kids' houses, we didn't pig out on nosh, because it wasn't a novelty. If you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't be one.

I know there's a ton of crap out there, but if parents are selective and choose candy that their kids enjoy, they won't have to deal with it. And one sour spray gel--or whatever's hot now--once in a while as a treat, will not kill the kid.

But for someone to say that it's irresponsible to put a hechsher on candy---go read the Village Voice.

Why are we not close with rabbanim?

2007-04-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

I don't really know if there's a solution to this one.

First of all, there's the idea which many Bais Yaakovs perpetuate: Judaism is a bunch of restrictions. This leads people to believe that everything's wrong. They start to adopt the "ignorance is bliss" attitude, wrongly assuming that if we "didn't know better, G-d will understand" So if one doesn't ask the rabbi whether it's okay to do something, they can do it. The scary part is, it's really our responsibility to find out what we should and should not be doing.

In addition, Rabbis always seem so busy. Sociologically, women are simply more timid. With the exception of Rosie O'Donnell, and some others. We see that they're always running, they're always on the phone, they're all doing something that must be "more important than me."

Then there's the whole "he's a man" thing. Seriously. For girls who are taught that any man but her father is poisonous, girls grow up seeing Rabbis as some man in the shul that everyone talks to. I won't go into the tiny percentage of "Rabbis" who end up giving women a little more than they bargained for. Don't try the whole "think of him as your father," theory. He doesn't know you since the day you were born. He doesn't live day-to-day life with you. He barely knows you.

That's another thing. He barely knows you. Well, I guess that's BECAUSE of all these factors.

Also, they're generally distant. Perhaps due the whole "man-woman" tension. They don't have to be "one of the guys," or hang out. But they just seem so distant-not approachable. I'm sure that balance could be struck.

Also, it's really a big commitment to find a Rav you want to follow. That means that you have to follow whatever he says, in all areas. For example, Rabbi Abadi has views on Kashrus that aren't widely accepted among Chareidi Rabbis. Not relying on Hechsheirim-sounds good. But once I heard that he doesn't allow women to wear short skirts and short socks, I said I'm not willing to give that up.

We're always taught to have this angelic image of Rabbis, like I discussed in a previous post. Once you see them up-close, understandably, you'll notice human flaws. In this perfectionist society, this leads to big problems. The Rabbis ruin the image you once had of them, and you feel like you lost respect for him. That's not good either.

Nice Guys Finish Last?

2007-04-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

Many of you might be familiar with a scene from Seinfeld that I thoroughly enjoyed. I believe it was Babu, an immigrant from G-d-knows-where, who tried to open a restaurant, and Jerry decided to help him out. He sat in the deserted place, offered Babu advice, and even tolerated his overzealous service. As Jerry sat, he thought, "Look at me! Look what a nice guy I am. Nobody else goes to this cafe. I am helping this guy, trying to make him succeed. I'm a good person..." was the voice-over.

I think many of us feel that way. Especially when the person you're helping thanks you profusely. I was in Boro Park on Friday, and a woman on the corner of 13th avenue asked me if she could borrow my cell phone. Her son was on the bus home from school, and he was 20 minutes late. She wanted to call the school and see what was going on. The school put her on hold, and never got back to her. She thanked me, and handed me my phone. "I'm going to my grandmother now, but if you're still here when I come out, you can use it again," I offered. Sure enough, about 20 minutes later, she was still there, and I gladly lent her my phone. She thanked me profusely, and I almost felt good about myself.

Then I remembered the words of wisdom my teacher in HS told me, "If you feel pleasure in doing chesed, it's a lower level." I mean, obviously, there's Chesed Shel Emes, which deals with the dead, since you know they can't return the favor. Well, where does this fall? I pictured myself in this woman's place, her little boy is 20 minutes late, the Yeshiva said he's on the bus, and he's the second stop. I'd be pretty nervous. So what was the big deal? Now, what if I had been over my minutes, and I knew it. Would I have done it? Or would I have handed her a quarter for the payphone on that very corner?

Then the question is, would I get more of a mitzvah if I gave her my phone if I was out of minutes? But then if she took as long as she did, I might be upset, which would negate the mitzvah, would it not?

I remember this teacher telling us that if we feel satisfaction from the chesed "down here," it essentially takes away from "up there." Is that a good thing to tell high school kids? I mean, there are various chesed projects I'm involved in, and I think, by nature, chesed is fulfilling. When you help people, and you see their faces light up, or you hear them breathe a sigh of relief, what are you supposed to do? Isn't Judaism about being happy? Shouldn't be happy-happy with myself, too-that I helped someone?

There was a girl in seminary who was from overseas, and had no family here. She had gone back and came to NY a few months later to prepare for her wedding. A few girls threw her a bridal shower, which I attended, and drove her home (to a basement where someone allowed her to stay rent-free for a few weeks) despite the late night, the distance, and my schoolwork that I hadn't done. On the way, I was feeling pretty good. "All these other girls with cars, and I drove the extra distance, helped her bring her gifts down, chatted with her a few minutes..." I thought.
As I drove home, I suddenly felt horrible. "Why am I so full of myself? Am I letting this kid live in my basement, hosting her, rent-free? Have I helped her do anything else?" I was overcome with guilt.

I told this to my brother, and he battled me with logic. "So you're saying what you've done is worthless?" That's how I felt. Possibly due to what this teacher said. Every time I feel fulfilled from doing chesed, I remember this teacher. I did something wrong by feeling good. I feel like I have just made my mitzvah into a smaller one, by feeding my ego.

Something tells me this teacher was mistaken. I hope she was, anyway.

I Need My Music!!

2007-04-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

I stand proud of my piece from May 2005 entitled "A Capella -Load of..."
I think listening to A Capella music is simply a cop-out. Once doing that, just listen to the real thing already. It's like buying a burger in Wendy's. Not a cheeseburger, just a burger.

Well, it isn't "just like it" since there are Rabbanim that say it's okay to listen to music that isn't live during Sefira. Nobody says it's okay to eat beef in Wendy's. My point is, though, if you feel that it's assur to listen to music, then it's assur. If you feel it's okay, then by all means- listen to the real thing.

I haven't done substantial research, but before relying on the heter to listening to music, I'd like to know what these Rabbis' other shittos are. If they say, for example, women must daven three times daily, and I am not ready to commit to davening Maariv, I'd feel it was wrong to rely on his heter. However, one wise man pointed out, "Lack of inconsistency does not consistency make." Interesting.

Of course, since there is a heter, perhaps I'm being foolish. But then I think about the Bais Yaakov teachers saying, "LeFum Tzaara Agrah," the harder it is for you to do something, the more reward you'll get. But does this "minhag" even count?

In seminary, my rebbe told us that it was okay to listen to music if you need it while you exercise. I'd feel funny doing that. If I want to go on the treadmill during Sefira, if it's that important to me, I'd do it without music. What would these people do if their iPods were broken? The speakers in the room were shot? They'd either not go on at all, or forgo the music. Besides, who do I think I'd be fooling if I didn't say going on the treadmill now during Sefira was just as much for the music (if not more) as it is for the exercise? G-d knows exactly what our intentions are.

I asked the rebbe, in all seriousness, but I doubt he took it that way, "What if I rely on my music emotionally? I'm not myself if I can't listen to music." I confessed. He looked at me as if I was trying to stump him, and he thought what I said is stupid. Obviously, I won't go endanger myself or others if I don't have my music. I'm not jumping off any bridges, or slitting my wrists by any means. I just don't consider myself very pleasant company as Lag B'Omer approaches, and I'm wearing thin emotionally.

So why is it okay for these exercise-obsessed women, (many of whom do it out of sheer vanity) but not me??

Music for me is a drug. Sefira to me is one very long fast day. I'm starving for some music right now. I'd even listen to John Mayer--- That, my friend, is starving.

Dr. Yael in the JP

2007-04-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

I don't mean disrespect. Well, not too much, anyway. She looks pretty nice and sincere in that headshot.

I won't bother discussing her idea about Chassidim and Litvish people intermarrying to solve the Shidduch Crisis. Nuff said.

Did you notice, by the way, how she tells everyone to go see a shrink?

Anyway, this week's JP features a creepy letter from a young man married less than a year, and he has found that his wife has serious anger issues. He doesn't know when she'll explode or what will set her off. Only after they were married was he exposed to this manner of behavior, and the same behavior from her family. He had no idea before. He was begging Dr. Yael to help him.

She gave the usual formulaic "see a shrink, it's not your fault, it's hers..." response, and I'm sure wished him Hatzlacha at the end.

But I think she neglected something very important in her response. What can those who are still dating learn from this experience? Is there something we should watch out for? Are there signs that perhaps this young man unfortunately missed?

People are good liars and good actors. And the scary thing is, the ones who act best are the ones who need to. Those are the ones with the most to hide.

Chag Kasher V'Sameach

2007-03-29T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hello all.

I had at least two drafts ready for you, and I realized they were totally predictable.

One was about Rabbi Blumenkrantz ZT"L. Not scathing, but my point of view about the book and the usual.

The other was about Pesach Kitchens. After completing the post, I realized why I hadn't written it before. Some things just go without saying. I'm sure at this point my regular readers can write the post for me, and correctly predict what I'd say.

So, I decided that for once I'll adhere to the cliche, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

This is a one time occurrence. Otherwise, IMHJO would be history. And we don't want that!

Have a GREAT Holiday!!

PS Over spring break, I have to write a paper. I plan to cover how Pesach in Midwood affects the local economy. If it's good, expect to read it here!!!

Did You Do Your Closets Yet?

2007-03-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone gets really stressed before pesach, and understandably so. As the work-filled holiday approaches, people seem to be consumed by it.

But do they have to be?

I mean, for those of us who stay home, it is quite the responsibility to clear our houses of chametz. I know that I have like 3 knapsacks, and a few handbags to go through, as well as jacket pockets, and of course, my car. I do know, however, that my closet and my drawers are chametz-free since I never put food in there. Yes, it is that simple.

So why are people constantly worrying about places in their house where they clearly haven't brought food? You can't complain if you equate "Spring Cleaning" with Pesach Cleaning. I have no problem with Spring Cleaning. It certainly isn't "goyish," but if people complain about the holiday, and they are going above and beyond necessities, they're foolish.

People blur the differentiating lines, start cleaning after Channuka, and stress themselves out. Why go beyond what we're commanded, then complain that you're stressed out?

Pesach is a lot of work as it is. Transferring pots, pans, dishes, silverware, and kashering your sinks and countertops, lining the shelves of the pantry...grocery shopping, cooking....There's a TON of preparation.

Using this as Spring Cleaning takes away from the real commandment--which is ridding ourselves of Chametz.

I've heard, "Dust isn't Chametz, and your husband isn't the Korban Pesach." Not my type of expression, but gets the point across well.

And some people insist on cleaning their ceiling fans. That's why people complain.

Modern = Less Religious? I don't think so.

2007-03-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

"Are you Modern?" A very bored family member once asked me.
"No," I answered emphatically.
"Why not? What's wrong with being Modern?" the people around the table roused.

The word "modern" seems to mean different things to different people in different communities. In the summer, when I wore my sandals without socks, I was deemed "modern." Does that make a person "modern"?

I find Modern Orthodoxy to be a belief system that leads to a lifestyle different from the Yeshivish and Black Hat ways of life. (Yes, Yeshivish and Black Hat are two different segments.) Does "modern" mean less religious?

In the community I live in, which I consider "Black Hat," certainly not Yeshivish, if a child rebels against his school, or a girl begins to dress like a ho, the child is considered Modern. No. It's about Hashkafos and thoughts, not just appearances. Considering my high school teachers taught me about R' Solevicthik solely as "J.B." implying a sore lack in religion, I have lots to learn about the Modern Orthodox Hashkafa. Does this mean that once I know these things, I will find it permissible to wear pants? No. It has little to do with appearance.

I find it entertaining that the black-hatters judge the MO on their standards of Tznius. And I've been labeled "Modern" because of my sandals without socks, or my slits below the knee. I don't think that's what makes me Modern, if I am in fact Modern. So these women who attended various Bais Yaakovs or other kinds of schools in Brooklyn have been taught the importance of covering their hair, and of course, elbows, knees and collarbone. So according to these warped ideas, it is okay to wear skintight everything and attract every man that passes, as long as their hair is completely covered. With a sheitel that looks nicer than anyone's real hair would look anyway.

When a woman attempted to set me up with someone, I made sure to ask if the guy davens with a minyan on a regular basis. His mother explained that he works, so he tries to make Shacharis when he can...all that. Then she said, "I guess he's too modern for you." Umm, EXCUUUUSE me? I know many Modern Orthodox people who wouldn't miss a minyan, unless there were extenuating circumstances. The word "modern" is terribly misused.

The guy has misplaced priorities. Missing minyan doesn't make somone "modern," and neither do sandals.

"Are we all bad Jews?"

2007-03-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with my friend last Wednesday night, and I bluntly stated, "I SO don't wanna fast tomorrow," and felt instant remorse.

How could I say something like that? I am sure many normal people feel that way, but to say it out loud almost makes it as if it's okay.

"OMG," I realized aloud. "How dare I say something like that? Like thinking I have things to do. I have to prepare Mishloach Manot, I have to cook (the things my mother allowed me to cook) for the Seuda, I have tons of homework, quizzes, and none of those should come before fasting. I mean, Judaism should be #1. Why should I think about how it would interfere with my "life," since my life should really revolve around this?"

Agreeing that most normal people don't enjoy fasting, and obviously don't look forward to it, my friend asked,"So, you're saying we're all bad Jews?"

"Basically, yeah," I clarified.

So many times I feel like I've allowed my physical desires come before my spiritual needs. Why is it that when I daven I could space out and not focus, but when I read about politics, or marketing, I can pay attention?

Something is certainly lacking there.

It's a matter of how you look at things. In discussion about schoolwork with classmates, I say, "I can't do any work on the Sabbath, I'm not allowed to..." and it sounds like Shabbos is interfering with my work. Shouldn't I feel like the schoolwork that would be on my mind the whole Shabbos is interfering on Shabbos?

I try to justify it, and say, "we live in America, I need to do well in school," which is certainly true, but I don't feel it's right to dread fasting because it will interfere with my ability to perform my schoolwork.

Perhaps this is a product of the Bais Yaakov system in which if you aren't perfect, you aren't worth anything at all.

Up in Smoke

2007-02-26T12:12:00.000-08:00

Certainly there are insane stories about questions asked when checking out boys for Shidduchim.
I have few "make or break" factors before I am willing to give the guy a date. Most are workable, but the issue of smoking is the one I won't budge on.

I've had guys sound great and all that, but once I hear that they smoke, anything you say won't be able to change my mind.

I am not ready to watch a husband actively shave years off his life.

"It's so hard to quit," people justify. Hey, buddy, it's hard to get up early every day. It's hard to take 18 credits in Brooklyn College. It's hard to be a working mother. It's hard to diet. It's hard to get up and go to work day after day. It's hard to do a lot of things. Yet, people do them.

One person compared smoking to Lashon Hora. "You speak Lashon Hora, don't you?" he asked. "Yeah, I do," feeling ashamed. "Well, it's hard to quit that, isn't it?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. "Everyone has a weakness," he explained. "Yours is Lashon Hora, his is smoking."

I don't know how true that is. Can one compare Lashon Hora to smoking? Smoking takes years off someone's physical life, but Lashon Hora certainly doesn't help the Olam Haba'ah situation. Smoking is purely physical, and emotional. Lashon Hora is more spiritual-especially since we don't have Tzora'at nowadays.

When people tell me the guy is "Great but he smokes," that's an oxymoron. He can't be great if he smokes.
He's either a very nervous guy, and needs to calm down, or he's an addictive personality who's weak without self-control. Or he was weak in terms of peer pressure and felt the need to fit in. Are these characteristics one needs in a husband?

My friend told me about a 25-year-old single woman in her office who said, "I used to be like you. Worried about whether the guy smokes. Now I'm just happy if it's only cigarettes."

That's further proof of this idiotic society making this woman feel like crap because she isn't married. I don't think anyone should have to "settle" for a smoker if they are adamently against smoking.

What, me Brooklyny?

2007-02-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned that my friends and I are often told that we aren't "Brooklyny," or that we arent "Typical [insert school name here]." This statement is taken to mean that we do not fit the mold or the stereotype associated with the place we live or institution that we've attended.

So, there I was at a wedding, when this young woman takes a seat next me. "Where are you from?" She asks, "Brooklyn, but I'm not Brooklyny," I responded.

"What does Brooklyny mean?" She asked. You've got to be freakin kidding me. Everyone has their own opinion about what Brooklyn is about. The same way almost every school, camp, and shul have a reputation for being a certain way. Are they accurate? Who knows. Besides, there are always just a few people who completely do not meet the stereotype--about 1/4 of the girls in my grade, for example.

After a little prodding, she confessed. "Okay, you know what I think of when I think of Brooklyn?" I see huge fancy houses, with gorgeous downstairs, living dining room, and everything, and the upstairs is plain, and run-down. Because not everyone has money, and they want everyone to think they do, so they make a really fancy downstairs, and then have nothing left for the upstairs." I'm sure some of you have a really confused look on your face. Probably how I looked when she shared her analysis.

Keep in mind, however, a frum Brooklynite's opinion about Brooklyn people differs from that of out-of-towners'.

I met another woman the other day, who asked the same question. I told her as well that I'm not "typical Brooklyn," and "You wouldn't believe I actually go to [another thing].." She responded, "Yeah, but what does that MEAN? What does Brooklyny mean??" I don't have to spell it out for you. I won't. So I decided she was Brooklyny herself.

It's like in high school, when girls in the "in crowd" denied the fact there were cliques, and there was politics. Or the fact that my school has quite the reputation for being a certain way. Puh-leez. (Although the reputation has changed since I left).

My conclusion: Those who deny the existence of the stereotype FIT the stereotype.

Can I Borrow Your Notes?

2007-02-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

Last semester, I lent my notes to a few people in my class who had trouble understanding English. They showed me their notes that they felt were lacking. I noted that they had been to almost every class, and certainly put in effort. Therefore, I was happy to lend them my notes.

It reminded me, however, about a girl in my seminary class who put up a fuss about girls refusing to lend her notes.

This girl was the typical slacker. When she decided to show up, she misbehaved, passed notes, TXTed, and interrupted the teacher. Fridays we were allowed to ask anything that was on our minds. She asked the Rabbi, "I don't understand. Why do people deny me the right to borrow their notes? It's not my fault I'm not good at taking notes, so why should it bother them to lend them to me?"

Luckily, someone else spoke up before I was able to respond. "Well, we put in the effort to take good notes, so why should we just give them away? It makes our work feel worthless." The girl said calmly.

The Rabbi chimed in and said, "Zeh Ne'eneh V'Lo Chosser"- loosely translated-one can enjoy while the other won't feel a loss.

"Why is that fair?" I called out. "I come to school everyday, I work hard. I put in my effort, and take pride in my work. Why should I just give this all away to a girl who doesn't even show up most days?"I wanted to continue, but I didn't want to be ex-communicated.

Needless to say she wasn't too happy with my statement, and responded in kind, "Excuse me? What if I just can't take notes? You don't know if I try or not..."

"You can take notes if you want to. You just don't want to." I responded.

I remembered my friend in high school who frequently lent her notes to her classmates. She once received a copy of her notes instead of the original when it was time to return them! Sometimes they were bent, or dirty-they hadn't been treated with respect. That is "chosser."

There was a class in high school that everyone considered boring. Well, most people. I tried hard in the beginning, but soon realized it was worthless. My notes made no sense. From December and on, I didn't take notes, but I knew what I was getting myself into. I was not about to ask a random girl in the class I had nothing to do with to borrow her notes. I knew I wasn't going to do well on the test. I just gave up because she was a hard teacher to take notes with. Sure enough, I ended up with some notes from someone, and flunked anyway.

Then there was a class that I was the only one who enjoyed--American Politics. Nobody bothered to take notes (even though she dictated them!!!) she constantly had to shush the class, but I consistently took notes. I don't know how this happened, but she ended up basing the test on my notes, which were distributed the whole class. In a certain way, these girls deserved to flunk. They didn't bother to pay attention, they disrespected a teacher in the process (one my faves :-) ) and expected someone else to do the work for them!!

Why do people always expect others to pick up the slack for them?

I say, if you put in effort, and are simply incapable (which could happen once in a while), and prove that you've tried, you deserve help. But if you were busying TXTing, why should I waste my hard work on you?

Be A Mensch-Guest Post

2007-02-04T12:02:00.000-08:00

Many times, people approach me with topics to cover on my blog. Sometimes they ask if they could guest post, but I'm usually not too hot on that. When my mom recently asked me, I couldn't resist!

Too bad I didn't inherit my mom's diplomacy!

I thank my daughter Michelle for allowing me to "guest blog" today.

B"H, we are invited to many Smachot in our neighborhood. The hosts really do their best to ensure that the seating arrangements are favorable to all guests.

At the most recent Simcha I attended, the table seating seemed odd. Although I know many of the guests, I was seated with people from a different "circle." I sat at my assigned seat, and waited for the other guests to join me.

Two people I know approached the table and surveyed the situation. Although the seats on either side of me were available, they sat two seats away from me and didn't even say hello. I felt like a leper. I shower, I brush my teeth, and use deodorant. What gives? People have feelings.

Luckily, the other tables weren't full and I was able to change my seat. I personally find it very distasteful and unfair when people seat themselves wherever they please. Many times they occupy a seat that was assigned to someone else. Sometimes the latecomer is left with no place to sit.

This situation, however, warranted my going against my principle. It was either switching seats, or being miserable the entire night. The people at my new table were friendly and nice.

I just wanted the wonderful people of this terrific blog to remember one thing in life:

BE A MENSCH

Thank You.

This is directly from my mom's handwritten paper--I am simply the messenger.
I had similar situations at classmates' weddings, and I once even tried to sit with those people and see that they aren't that bad. Ha. Unsuccessful.

The "Rules"

2007-01-29T11:58:00.000-08:00

I am constantly learning that [fortunately] I do not officially follow the unwritten "Shidduch Rules," so, I am fully aware that some things I write might be inaccurate. Also, bear in mind that these rules apply more to the "learning boy" community which is supposedly vast, and might vary from one community to another. Feel free to clear any misconceptions.

I recently received a phone call for a reference about one of my dearest friends, and it seemed that this woman followed practically every rule. So, in sequential order, I will try to inform the public of the unofficially official Shidduch Rules, From the "redd" to the dating.

The Shidduch must be "redd" to the boy's side first. If one "mentions" a boy to the girl's side, no name is allowed. They just say, "I might have someone for you, so give me your information..." But it ALWAYS goes to the boy first.
If the boy's mother approves of the family's background (yichus is a plus--and a requirement for some), all the schools and camps the girl has attended, and of course, all the previous Machatanim if there are any, she either attends weddings she is not invited to, or spies on the girl at work to make sure that she is good looking enough for her son. A woman once called me to ask when my teacher taught her last class, and which exit she uses(as if I'd know), so she can catch a glimpse of her.
The boy's mother must anonymously call the references on the girl's "resume". She proceeds to ask questions that may or may not make sense. Nobody knows who she is, so she can ask whatever she wants, right? The mother calls people in the nieghborhood about the family, and the girl's friends so that they can say that she's bubbly, and pretty, and smart. Even if she isn't.
If all that information proves "good enough for my son," the parents run it by the boy, and if the girl is fortunate enough, she is put on some sort of "list." He is always "busy."
They must wait for the boys to come out of the "freezer."
If the boy doesn't get engaged by the time it is up to this girl, she is given the option to go out with him. She does some quick checking, and learns that he is the top boy in his Yeshiva (like every other young man).
She must get back to the Shadchan right away before another bubbly Bais Yaakov girl gets to marry him. "Don't sit on it," they say.
The shadchan is in charge of arranging the date. S/he calls the boy, and calls the girl, and tries to arrange a date. Repeat. Repeat. They finally pick a day that they're both available.
The day of the date arrives, and the girl must primp. She gets a manicure, eyebrow wax, lip wax, cakes on the make-up, irons her hair, and dresses in her Shabbos finest. The boy showers and dresses in a suit and hat. After all, this is Shabbos, isn't it?
There must be cake, candy, and seltzer on the table when the boy arrives.
The boy is not permitted to touch the items on the table, even if they are for him.
The father of the girl sits him down, and gives him a farher.
When they leave, the girl is not allowed to bring along a handbag or cell phone, because that might convey distrust. And, what will they need while out on a date anyway?
The couple heads to a lounge, where they chat over water or soda, and observe the other Shidduch dates, and hope they don't meet their friends.
When the girl returns, she contemplates the decision, and gives a second courtesy date, dreading it.
The girl is not allowed to meet young men on her own, as she will be considered a "bum." She would never dream of talking to a boy anyway, since they've been Assur all this time. So she must depend on others to set her up with people they might have just met a few times.

Is it me, or does this seems lightly backwards?

Get the Hamodia!

2007-01-23T13:47:00.000-08:00

In today's mail, I came across a postcard from Hamodia. A promotion for subscription.

Here's what it looked like:
On top it says: It's more than Home Delivery--it's Home Improvement.

Below that, there's a picture of that yellow mailbox thing that they put the newspaper in, and a row of houses.
The bottom reads: "This Box Outside Your Home Says A Lot About The Inside of Your Home."

Now, I'm not whining, or attacking. I'm just commenting. Sharing my opinion, if you will. They're catering to those obsessed with their images. "Well, if they see the Hamodia box outside my house, I'm considered a frum Jew. If I want the right reputation, I better get that paper! I don't have to read it, I just have to have that loud, yellow box on my lawn."

The inside describes what the paper contains, which is harmless. But clearly, the image is most important. Had they written, "most comprehensive news" instead of the image-itis deal, who knows how many people would be willing to open that?

After 9/11, TV reception was unclear, and a satellite TV provider sent people door-to-door selling subscriptions. The prices were good, and we decided to go for it. Under one condition--that the installers were able to hide the dish toward the back of the house so that nobody can see it as they pass the house. Who are we fooling?

Hey, I'm not hiding anything. I don't care. Yes, I have satellite TV. Like it? Good. Don't like it? Good.

So, all of us seeking Shidduchim--the newest solution: Subscribe to the Hamodia.

Self-Centered Much?

2007-01-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

Last week, a woman wrote a letter to the Yated comparing her son who had been rejected from multiple Yeshivos to a child who had been diagnosed with cancer, R"L.

The woman complained that when a child is diagnosed, people offer to help in any which way possible, they daven, they try to talk to people, whatever it was. And when her son wasn't accepted into any Yeshiva, she was did not receive the same treatment.

I don't mean to minimize the first woman's problems...well, actually I do. When I read her letter, I thought, "GET A GRIP, WOMAN!" There was an episode of Seinfeld where some guy pretended to have cancer. I think that was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. As was this woman's comparison of something so fleeting, something that might be resolved with some inconvenience and hardship, to something life-threatening.

I've already discussed the whole accepting boys into Yeshivos already, and I don't care to revisit it. But if anyone sees the connection between that woman's problem, and a woman whose child is ill, please enlighten me.

A woman wrote a letter this past week in response to the woman who complained about her son not getting into Yeshiva. My eyes welled up with tears as she graphically described the hardship that she and her family endure daily with the child who is ill. This woman doesn't know if she will be able to see her son alive tomorrow. Her very own precious child is weak, in pain, and there is nothing she can do about it. She can daven, she can talk to doctors, whatever. But what it comes down to is, no begging, no money, nothing, can guarantee her son's longevity. She recommended this woman volunteer at a hospital for just a few hours to see what real pain is, and to thank G-d every day for her son's health.

Similary, a few months ago, a single young woman in her early twenties compared her plight to a woman who was unable to conceive a child.

What is with these people? I mean, we all have Nisyonos. We all go through hard times. But they are different. Why would anyone try to compare theirs with someone else's?

I was on the phone with a friend one day, and we were venting about shidduchim and the usual. She spotted an individual. I thought the phone went dead. "Oh, my Gosh, Michelle. I feel SOOOO stupid," she said after a minute. She described the scene, which is painful to describe, and I blushed. I felt "SOOOO stupid," too.

I'm not saying that those who are healthy have no right to complain about their challenges in life.Everyone has a right to vent, and to be frustrated at "minor inconveniences" in life. I just think that people should leave illness out of the picture when describing emotional plight. If the kid can't get into Yeshiva, that is nothing, and I mean nothing, like dealing with a child who is ill!!

I wish this woman a Refuah Shelema for her son, and I applaud her for her strength and Bitachon, and for her strong words, which hopefully made the first woman feel, well, at least a little bit stupid.

May we all be Zocheh to good health for us and all of our children, and a yeshua from all of our Tzaros, B'mHeira BeYameinu. (Amen.)

Limudei Chol

2007-01-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

Last week, I actually read something else besides Readers Write in the Yated.

There was an article about limudei chol. The writer had taught both limudei kodesh and chol in various yeshivos, and can't seem to figure out why the limudei chol programs aren't successful. They're always looking for new teachers, the kids never behave, never excell, and if they decide to attend college, they are way below standard levels in writing.

He also claims that the common idea that parents and yeshivos don't care is a fallacy.

I don't mean to disrespect him, or undermine his knowledge which is clearly more complete than mine, but here's what I have to say regarding the matter:

Maybe the Rebbeim do "care," but do they stress it? They say, as the author does, that Limudei Kodesh is more important, and that chol should take a backseat. Didn't he just answer his own question? Why not put them on an equal plane? OY! Chas V'Shalom!

We can't make them equal because Gemorah and Chumash come with us after 120, but knowledge of American History does not. But you know what else comes with us after 120? Kavod HaBriyos. What about Torah Im Derech Eretz?

When the kids are told that the Limudei Chol isn't as important, they lose respect for those teaching the secular studies. Some schools have teachers who aren't Jewish, and tell them that Goyim don't need our respect, which infuriates me. But, another topic for another day.

They start English classes at about 2:30, or later, depending on the Yeshiva. Considering they've basically been learning Gemorah, which is very mentally intense, since 9:00 a.m., can you blame these kids for not being able to concentrate? When I return from a 3 hour class at college, I can barely read the New York Post! Come on!!

And the fact that so much more time is devoted to the Limudei Kodesh also proves that they put it on the back burner.

Finally, further proof that the Yeshivos are essentially creating their own problem is the fact that some cheat on the Regents for them!! That enrages me beyond belief. They don't want to teach reproduction to 9th graders because sex is taboo and blah blah, so they cheat. Other Regents, too, they don't hold the boys responsible for all the material. Because it's "not important."

So let me get this straight: it's okay to CHEAT, and LIE, because you were learning Torah in the morning? It seems they've learned nothing from Torah if they still feel it's justifiable to cheat.

Teach them about reproduction rather than cheating, which is against the Torah!!

Merry Chrismuka

2006-12-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

"Jingle Bells, Santa Smells," the yeshivish people sing to parody the popular christmas song.

"It's so annoying, everywhere I go I hear this stupid Kratzmich music," they complain. Others lament of 106.7's decision to play Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Nobody likes seeing the Christmas themed CVS and Duane Reade decor, and the Coke bottles. There are some Rebeim who have told their students that don't buy coke with Santa on the label. But there are many Jews who drive around specific neighborhoods to admire the handiwork on the decorated houses.

All that's okay and all, but I find that in today's agnostic culture, especially in NY, Christmas is not a celebration of Jesus' birth. It's a warm, loving, but stressful time to get together with family (that you may or may not like) and give and receive presents. And pig out.

Admit it, doesn't Christmas kinda look appealing? I think people still think of this as some religious ceremony, which it no longer is to many Americans. I think frum people denying that are like saying that KFC doesn't look good. Or whatever treif food appeals to them. Obviously KFC looks good, and probably tastes good, and perhaps isn't good for us, but don't we all secretly wish we could just taste it?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Bittul Torah?

2006-12-23T18:23:00.000-08:00

I met a woman in charge of a Res-hab program, and she openly discussed one challenge she faces constantly, "There are soo many girls willing to do this, but when it comes to boys, it's so hard to find just one." She told me, asking if I knew any young men or boys willing to help her out. Unfortunately, I don't.

Another woman told me of a family who's going through a hard time, and the parents spend a lot of time in the hospital. The boys' grades are slipping, and they need someone to go there and help them Mishnayos and that sort of stuff. She said she has girls by the dozen who are willing to help the one daughter, but there seems to be a lack of boys willing to spend time there, even to give them some male companionship. My father suggested that she call a local yeshiva, and I wonder if that will be successful.

From what I see, boys are taught that everything that isn't learning is considered Bittul Torah. Maybe that 'helping' is the girls' job. Or that Chesed is for the bums who can't do anything better. That's bad on many levels, but not something to get into now.

From what I've seen of the counselors at local Bais Ezra houses and things of that sort, they are not "yeshivish" or "learners" but they are warm guys with a big heart and lots of patience.

Why can't there be "learners" who do things like this? It's often the kids that yeshivas were worried about who end up doing outstanding work there.

Why must these guys choose to either be helpful, but "bummy", or not give their time for a very worthy cause, and be "frum"? And not every "bummy" kid is helping out, some are just on the street smoking weed. What I mean to say is, of all the counselors I've seen at these homes, none of them are of Yeshivish ilk.

I don't either mean to say that the only chesed a boy can do is in Bais Ezra, or other such programs. I know that not everyone is cut out for that. But there are many other chessed jobs that guys are capable of. (That could even produce better husbands down the line)

Why would Yeshivas never dream of saying, "instead of Mishmar three nights a week until 9 pm, we'll have mishmar twice a week (which is still shoving it down the boys' throats) and one night a week, each boy, or in pairs will be sent to a house to help out and do chesed."?

They can teach them the importance of Torah AND Chesed, because aren't we supposed to be learning Chesed from the Torah??

What May I Say?

2006-12-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

The most recent issue of the Jewish Observer has a feature about Shidduchim. It's almost as juicy as TomKat's wedding. Sells magazines.

Anyway, the article told tales of people's inadequate judgement in telling or not telling information about the families involved in the shidduchim.

There was a story about one girl whose brother in law (sister's husband) served prison time for a conviction he received despite his innocence. It involved a car accident, and the prosecution maintained that his headlights were off, and basically, he ended up in jail for 2 years. The boy "found out" soon before they planned to get engaged, and ended the relationship. Was this someone's responsibility to reveal?

That did not affect that young woman directly.

But what about a broken engagement? Is someone else obligated to tell that?

In Seminary, a girl posed a question. A boy she knew was engaged to a girl who had experienced a public nervous breakdown, but he had no idea. Was it her responsibility to tell him that? THe answer was complicated and involved whether she was on medication, and other factors.

Obviously, one shouldn't say, "I don't see it," although I am so tempted to sometimes. Because I don't want them to come back to me and say, "That date was horrible, why didn't you TELL me??"

But I think if there are creepy things lurking in a family's history, it could affect the couple. But then only people with similar situations can get together?

Someone once asked me if a girl I know had an eating disorder. He asked if she had ever had one. Yes, she had. But I knew if I said so, he'd never consider it. So I said, "not that I know of," that way, I didn't say no, or yes. But had it gone through, I'd have felt terribly guilty for not warning this family of what might come back around.

A man asked me if the girl got along with her parents. I was privy to information that she had NOT gotten along with them. But it was NOT my job to tell him her family history.

But does he have a right to know?
Do any of us have a right to know this important yet personal and delicate information?

Gedolim v. Celebrities (LEHAVDIL!!!)

2006-12-11T22:04:00.000-08:00

I wrote this draft almost two years ago, (Jan 16, 2005)and was afraid to post it. But today, I decided to read if over, and I find it funny how my opinions have changed since then. Because of that, I chose to keep the original draft and fill in my updates in red. Interesting what a year without Seminary can do for you.

A few years ago, I visited another school with my friend. The lights were off throughout the building. They were there for play rehearsals or something. As we arrived at the 3rd floor, we were greeted by a group of Gedolim pictures. She decided to test herself, identifying them in the dark. I respected her, and was kinda jealous, too. Heck, I wish I could identify them in the light.

On the flip side, every week, when my Us Weekly arrives, I test my knowledge on the pages where the names are in small letters on the bottom. I usually do pretty well. Fortunately, I can say I have never seen a TV show or movie with most of these people, but I know them just from being around. I have never seen Scarlett Johanssen in a movie, Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Hilary Swank, Russel Crowe, Colin Farrell...yet I can pick them out in a crowd in a second. Although when Sarah Jessica Parker was filming at Brooklyn College, I walked right past her and had no idea it was her.

In high school, a teacher once told us something that stuck with me, "With a celebrity, the more you get to know them, the less you like them, and the less greatness you see in them. Lehavdil, with a Gadol, the more you see of them, the more greatness you see, and the more you admire them. Not like I believe all the terrible things circulating about various Gedolim now, but I do feel slighted by the education I received designed to convince me that anyone meant to become someone knows Shas by heart at the age of 4, and all that. Hence the banning of "Making of a Gadol," which could have taught and encouraged many. But our society is afraid of us knowing reality.

Put it this way. After watching a few hours of Newlyweds, how many people can actually respect Jessica Simpson? Lehavdil, after reading a biography of a Gadol, you are more in awe of this superhuman being. He possesses a greatness that is above our concept of reality! Because these biograpies portray them as perfect. Which they are not (and I feel tremendous guilt typing that) but, nobody, but Hashem is perfect.

For example. I love Will & Grace. My favorite character is Karen, who is played by Megan Mullally. When I heard she was going to be on some late night show, I don't even remember which one, I struggled to stay awake to see her in action. When her segment finally arrived, I was bored. Then I was disappointed. Then I remembered. Most of these people are empty. They have nothing to them, except for the character that's written to them. Now she has her own talk show, and has proven to have some personality.

When it comes down to it, celebrities' lives are glamorized, and the more Us Weekly I read, the more I realize that they're just a bunch of rich, bored, miserable people for the most part.

Gedolim, on the other hand, are called so for a reason, but perhaps have nisyonot that we can learn from, if only we'd know about them. It's important for people to be portrayed in somewhat of a normal light.

"But He Wears A Knitted Yarmulke!"

2006-12-05T19:45:00.000-08:00

Funny how many things in our culture could be so simple if we wanted them to be.
Especially headcoverings.

Woman choose between a sheitel, a hatfall, bandana, a hat, a hat on Shabbos, or nothing. (Whole other story)

A woman was telling me about her son's interview at a local Yeshiva. Never met her in my life.
To stress how "not yeshivish" she considered the place, she mentioned that on the interview with her second son, she "even wore a hatfall!"

A woman I know for a many years approached me at a Bar Mitzvah saying she felt weird that she was the only one in a hat in the place. Everyone else was wearing a sheitel...

Apparently, a woman's chosen form of head-covering says a lot about her. Well, for the record, when I get married G-d willing, it's bandanas for me, as long as they're in style, and bandfalls pretty much.

It seems that what a woman wears on her head (if anything at all) and what a man chooses to wear on his, tells the world his and her level of religiosity.

"That knitted yarmulke bum? Probably didn't learn a word today!"

When I was young, I always took pride in my father's suede yarmulke--especially among the velvets in my school. I thought modern was cool, and suede was modern. Well, little did I know (until my dad switched) that knitted is even cooler. So here I am, with my dad and three older brothers in black knitted yarmulkes, and so proud of it that it's nerdy. Why, you ask?

Maybe it's the rebel in me. It could also be that it's honest. It's saying, "I'm not trying to be something I'm not." Which is what I do in my own little ways all the time.

It seems that here in Flatbush, no matter what you do, as long as you wear a velvet Yarmulke, you're an okay guy.

My dad told me even in his time, his Yeshiva gave him a hard time about wearing a knitted yarmulke. If my little brother would show up in his Yeshiva with something other than a velvet--or a bobby pin to ensure it stays on his head--HELP US ALL.

Because wearing anything other than a velvet yarmulke means you're a rebel. You're a bum. You talk to girls. You hang out. But if your wear a velvet--Tzaddik Gamur.

Anyway, the title comes from a shidduch experience in which someone "redding" me a shidduch found it important enough to mention that the guy wears a knitted yarmulke. In case that would "bother me." No, but a velvet one does.

P.S. I just posted this story in the comments, and it slipped my mind when I wrote the post: I was watching Good Day New York last year, and Mike Woods(or someone) was ioutside on some location exchanging unwanted gifts for some promo item. Sure enough, a frum guy showed up with an engagement gift he didn't like. He wore a knitted yarmulke. I was proud to see my "brother" on TV, and behave like a mensch--he wasn't loud or obnoxious, or, "look at me, I'm on TV"ish, just plain, "I got this for an engagement gift and I don't like it." I thought it was cool. The guy wasn't trying to make believe he was someone he wasn't. I was impressed. Then I thought, would I have thought the same way had the guy been wearing a velvet yarmulke?

The Police Mashal

2006-11-29T22:23:00.000-08:00

Around the time of the Yomim Noraim, and even throughout the rest of the year, people constantly condemn us for not feeling the same fear on Yom Kippur as we do when we're pulled over for a ticket, or we see a police car. (Depending on your level of paranoia)

A while ago, a cop car was behind me for 5 blocks, which felt like an eternity. Suddenly, my heart was racing, my vision almost blurred, and my judgement impaired. In other words, I was shaking in my pants. So, of course, that ubiquitous Mashal entered my mind.

According to that mashal, I should feel that way all day, every day, knowing that G-d's spirit is with me always. So I condemned myself for not living fearfully, constantly trembling, and nervous. Surely, the same way I wouldn't dream of plugging in my headset and calling a friend at that moment, I'd never come close to a TV, I'd never read a newspaper, I wouldn't talk to anyone out of fear of Lashon Hora. I wouldn't walk in the street lest I see or hear something inappropriate.

Do the Gedolei HaDor seem to live this way? They seem to be at peace. They're not shivering with sweaty palms, and talking fast, and all that stuff.

The difference is, also with G-d, it's Avinu Malkeinu, He is our Father, and our G-d. We have to love Him, and have an awe of Him all the same. L'HAvdil-do I love the police? When they're doing what they should: preventing REAL crimes, protecting citizens from criminals, drug busts, and on Shabbos.

You can't live panicked. Certainly there are people who are more relaxed in the presence of police, which would completely eliminate the use of this Mashal.

Certainly people could say that the Yomim Nora'im are like the 5 blocks. But G-d is everywhere, and there is no human error involved. Like I got a traffic ticket for doing nothing wrong. That doesn't happen in the "real world." If someone was too lazy to Daven, G-d knows it. And if someone did his best to do a Mitzvah, but wasn't successful, G-d knows that too.

So what's the merit in this Mashal?

"How Are You"

2006-11-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

I remember writing something about people always asking about the well-being of others and not sticking around to hear the response. That's old news.

But I think people have sunk to a new low.

I've heard answering machine messages that said, "Hi, ___, it's ___ how are you...I wanted to know..." and the first time I heard it, I thought the person made a mistake. Ay, some of you will argue, "What if the person is really wondering?" Most of the time, they are calling to ask a favor and couldn't care less. If they do care, they'd ask like this: "Hi _____, it's ________, I was just wondering how you're doing, and if you'd like to...." If you want something from me, tell me. I know you don't care how I am, unless you wait for a response. Many people ask, and I say, "Hi," instead of, "good, bad, busy, bored..." and they say, "Greeeaat...." and continue.

I'm sorry, but asking how one is on a freakin answering machine further proves my point that nobody really gives a crap. I've gotten phone calls, "Hi, how are you, I wanted to tell you..."

This is not like meeting me on Avenue J and running past me saying, "How are you?" where I can technincally chase you down, or give you an obnoxious answer, like, "I'm ready to kill myself, and you?" and hear them answer, "OH, great. So glad to hear." No. It's not like that.

So these yutz-faces defend this practice, and say it's an expression. Well, it doesn't have to be. When I see someone I know, I say, "hi," or, "Hey," and "Have a good one." Because most of the time, call me selfish, I don't think, "Hey, gee, I wonder how this person is," and it all happens so fast, that it ends up a "hi" and "bye," which is fine by me.

Today, I saw a girl I knew from 9th grade who I was friendly with, but don't see too often. I wanted to know how she is. And I wanted to tell her how I knew her husband and sister-in-law but didn't realize until I saw her bencher in someone else's house and all. So anyway, I wanted to know how she is. So I asked. And I listened. Was that too hard?

Shake Your Body Like A Bellydancer...

2006-11-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

I wrote this before I posted Mr. Katz's piece on Spirit of the Law, and I feel it's still relevant:

In Bais Yaakovs, one of their arguments against listening to goyish music was that it makes you "move your body in a non-Tzniusdik manner," and blah, blah, blah.

So, there I was talking to a young woman and she was telling me about this bellydancing class she attends. "Do a lot of frum women stay for that?" I asked, what I thought was non-chalantly.

"Yeah, they're all Israeli.." (another story)

"Why? Do you think it's inappropriate?" Someone else at the table asked.

"Would I do it myself?" I hedged. "No, but..."

What it comes down to is-it's not Tzniusdik. Obviously, they're not doing against halacha. Supposedly, there are no men there, so they're not turning on any men, which is the whole point, right?

But to me, that defense is weak. The girl tried to justify it by saying that G-d wants us to be in shape and healthy, and that's good exercise. Hey, ever heard of a treadmill? An elliptical? A Bowflex? An Ab Roller? I mean, there are many ways to burn calories without behaving inappropriately.

Why do I deem that inappropriate? It just is. Not everything has to be so black and white, so cut-in-stone, [insert your cliche here].

Those knowledgable in Z100 music will realize the title of this post was taken from lyrics of a song about a bellydancer. Trust me, not one of the cleaner songs on the air.
It teaches you to thrust your hips and do all those things that are not proper for frum people. That can really influence how you behave. This is like Carmen Electra's striptease classes, just your clothes stay on. We hope.

Spirit of the Law

2006-11-12T20:38:00.000-08:00

Here's the deal. I got into a conversation with a guy named Burry Katz about Bellydancing. We concluded that I felt it was inappropriate regardless of the presence of men. I told him that although it isn't against Halacha, I think it should be avoided.He and his friend Moshe Dov decided to try to get me to define sprituality. I conceded, and told Mr. Katz that if he writes me an article about it, I'd post it and give him credit for it, and even link all you guys to his blog. So here it is:

Is there such a thing as the Spirit of the Law?

This question comes up time and again. For instance, you are part of a women’s gym and they offer a belly dancing class. Belly dancing is not against the halachah but perhaps is not within the Spirit of the Law and therefore should not be done. Is this a valid contention?

In a word, no. There is no such thing as the Spirit of the Law. God gave us a set of laws. Throughout the generations our rabbis added restrictions that have essentially become laws as well. Those are the laws we must follow. To add even more restrictions is unnecessary at best and foolhardy at worst.

OBJECTION: So Judaism to you is a cut-and-dry religion with rituals we just follow without emotion?

ANSWER: Says who? The emotional element of Judaism is included in the mitzvos themselves. Take Shabbos for example. You can use the day to feel closer to God or you could treat it like a Tuesday night dinner. This goes for anything. It is possible to shake a lulav and have improper intentions. One could even think that he is doing something stupid. That is the individual’s fault, not the mitzvah’s fault, so to speak. Having improper intentions (or no intentions) is a misuse of the mitzvah. If one were to drive with reckless abandon and end up in a fatal crash, no one in his right mind would say that cars are evil because they lead to death. Rather, the correct attitude is that cars are a fantastic invention – which only a fool would deny – but the individual’s misuse of the car is what led to his death.

OBJECTION: But you see so many people just going through the motions without much spirituality!

ANSWER: Irrelevant. Many people do the mitzvos with the proper emotions. Additionally, we have no way of knowing what one is thinking as he is performing mitzvos. But even to agree to this premise, the above answer about the misuse of mitzvos would apply. And even if you will argue that the majority of people pack it in, so to speak, the solution is not to reinvent the religion. The answer is to educate the people how to perform mitzvos properly. One is better off working on having the proper intentions while doing mitzvos rather than create his own commandments. Besides, if one regularly does mitzvos by rote, is he better off doing 17 acts by rote instead of 15? I heard an argument that hiring others to build your sukkah is not within the Spirit of the Law. Although the mitzvah is to eat in the sukkah and not to build the sukkah, one who hires others to build his sukkah deprives himself and his children of spirituality. To which I say, why? If a person is not handy and would have great difficulty building a sukkah, he will be angry and bitter throughout the building process. Sitting in the sukkah may not be enjoyable. He might even come to resent sukkos. Whereas if he hires others and the sukkah is built well, and he will enter his sukkah with a positive attitude and enjoy his time there more so than had he built it himself, is he not better off hiring others? Getting caught up in the Spirit of the Law at the expense of the law itself is ridiculous.

OBJECTION: Are you telling me that all these filthy rich people with their fancy cars and ostentatious houses are truly spiritual?

ANSWER: That depends on how you define spirituality. Without a proper definition the entire argument is a slippery slope of where-do-you-draw-the-line. The Torah never states that one may not enjoy his riches. If you make the argument that one cannot be spiritual in a mansion, then one must define a mansion. By that logic, one who lives in a shack is more spiritual than one who lives in an apartment, and the apartment dweller has more spirituality than one who lives in a house, and so on. If one enjoys eating chicken, should he refrain from eating it because his pleasure makes him less spiritual? The Talmud mentions great rabbis who were wealthy, and nowhere does the Talmud decry their material possessions. On the contrary, the Torah prohibits one from giving away all his money. People can be spiritual or unspiritual regardless of their financial status. Money does not cause a lack of spirituality. (This is akin to the argument that TV causes people to leave Judaism. Based on that logic, people with less exposure would almost never leave Judaism, while people who grow up with TVs in their homes would leave Judaism in droves. This is clearly not the case. Mental health experts explain that TV does not cause people to leave. People who leave use TV as a vehicle by which to go off.) Unspiritual people perhaps have more ways to act unspiritual, but the money was not the cause. Otherwise all rich people would be unspiritual and all paupers would be very spiritual. I guess I won't be posting my "Can Spirituality and Materialism coexist?" How about the people who are wealthy but only their closest friends and relatives know about it? Nobody was told to live in a shack, but driving around two Lexuses, and agonizing over minutiae of your decor 24/7 is NOT spirtual. But if you're wealthy, recognize it's a gift, and provide your family with what they need and want without trying to outdo the Schwartzes...there's nothing wrong with that.

OBJECTION: So how do you define spirituality?

ANSWER: Spirituality is the way one relates to God and to others. Person A hauls garbage to support his family. He may not love his job, but he does it because he is fulfilling his obligation. He shows up to work on time, gets along with his coworkers, and tells his friends how fortunate his is to have a job. Person B learns in kollel. He does not particularly enjoy learning, complains that he wanted to become a doctor but was discouraged from doing so, so he stayed in yeshiva and wastes a lot of his day. In the end, though, he has learned several gemaras. In my mind Person A is the more spiritual person. After all, the Torah does say that for six days one should work. One who works is following the Torah. Likewise when someone pulls over to the side of the road to not double park and block others, he is acting spiritually, while a fellow who learns 16 hours a day but is rude to others is unspiritual. Some people think the epitome of spirituality is the fellow with the long white beard who never smiles. To assume that this is what all should aspire to goes against what Shelomoh Hamelech said, “Educate all children according to their temperaments and personalities.” I agree, but does that mean that Belly Dancing is okay, as long as you're not a biatch?? And if you ARE a biatch?

OBJECTION: What about the Pirkei Avos’s statement about building a fence around the Torah, Ramban in the beginning of Parashas Kedoshim, or the Ramchal in Chapter 13 of Messilas Yesharim, where they talk about refraining from doing things that are not against halacha because they are not proper?

ANSWER: Indeed, the famous example of gorging oneself, vomiting, and repeating the process is what Ramban says in his commentary. Granted, he admits, it is permissible, but one should not do this because it is improper. Many like to point this out when making their argument for the Spirit of the Law, but one must realize the context in which these statements were made. These “extras” are meant for people who have attained a high spiritual level in both Torah learning and mitzvah observance. For the vast majority, however, just following the basic laws is enough to keep us busy. A student decided he wanted to become more spiritual, so he donned tefillin all day, as the halacha states, even though almost nobody does so these days. His rosh yeshiva admonished him, saying that at his level, he has no right to think that he is capable of doing something done by only the most spiritual people. One who has mastered the basic laws may consider adding extras, but even then it is often done only after consulting one’s rabbi. This also applies to the fence mentioned in Pirkei Avos. How does one define a fence? Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes that one’s free will depends on one’s level of observance. A newcomer to Judaism cannot be expected to keep all the laws, and on the contrary, should not be told that he must keep everything immediately. Likewise, a gadol’s decision to not turn on a light on Shabbos is not considered his exercising free will. Considering that most people struggle daily to observe the basic laws, adding extras makes little sense.

To conclude, I have not seen a compelling argument for something called the Spirit of the Law. Besides, how do you define the law? And what is the spirit of each law? In the example stated in the beginning of the article, is dancing against the law? If a woman feels uncomfortable belly dancing, or that doing so may lead to prohibited acts, she is welcome to sit out. No one can force her to do something she does not want to do. But to say that people who do so are doing the wrong thing, or to criticize those who follow the laws but not the extras, is unfair.

"IY"H By You"--When is it okay?

2006-11-07T00:05:00.000-08:00

I have a cousin who just got back from seminary, and was "next in line"after me to get engaged, but beat me to it.
So I've been demoted to hanging with the 15 year-olds, commiserating about braces. Not like I enjoy hearing childbirth stories.

At the L'Chaim, I was politely accepting "IY"H by you"s and thanking them, and smiling.

There have been letters to Yated about this whole deal. All these drama queens getting all offended when people tell them IY"H by you, and how insensitive it is, and all that. So, what I've come to conclude is, when it's someone my age or thereabouts, it's appropriate. But when you're three years older than the Kallah, it kinda makes you wanna crawl into a hole. (Also, if the person saying it is normal, not one of those yentas who get a sick pleasure out of these things, and they're sincere, then I don't mind.)

Perhaps it's because it's my first cousin, whose age difference with me was significant until recently. I know the kid as a five year old in pigtails, and here she is, engaged before I am.

I show up the L'Chaim and one woman tells me, "Don't worry. Your time will come." It's like when my friend's younger brother got his driver's license before she did. She didn't choose to fail the road test. Ya think she was happy about it? She was 19, and her brother was 17. That's not what she wanted to hear! Anyway, slightly offended, I replied, "Thank G-d I'm alive and well." Sounds cheesy. But I mean it. Thank G-d. So she tells me, "Oh, that's such a good attitude." LADY! She made it sound like I told her a crazy tragic story Chas V'Shalom.

Then again, maybe I did.

P.S. My sister blog has officially re-opened, so keep your eyes peeled for intriguing pieces like the one you just read.

Nice to Meet You, I'm______

2006-10-31T23:29:00.000-08:00

From time to time, I've considered writing that typical piece about shaking hands with members of the opposite sex to prevent Chillul Hashem, and the usual. But that just seemed too typical-too "been there, done that."

Well, recently, I was in the caf, sitting alone at a table minding my own business, when a few frum guys came to join me. What was I gonna do? Walk away? Ignore them? So I chatted.

A few minutes into the conversation, one guy introduced himself and held out his hand. I almost put down my pen. Then jerked my hand back. "I'm not shaking your hand!" I told him. "Ah, Shomer Negiah!" he poked fun. "Yes, I am. I won't shake your hand precisely for the reason that you know why I can't."

Another guy at the table piped up, "You know, I have the same double standard. Like, if you'd hold out your hand, no way, i wouldn't think about shaking it, but if a non-frum woman would, I would shake her hand."

"Well, you know exactly why I can't shake your hand. It's not like I'm risking Chillul Hashem, or I have to explain it to you or anything," I repeated myself.

"Yeah, yeah. That's cool" the hand-happy guy agreed.

There have been times that I've pretended not to see hands, and others where I couldn't leave the guy hangin'. I think in general because it's not assur in the goyish world, a handshake has little meaning if any. It's nothing sexual. If you think about it, even sex is meaningless a lot of the time in that world.

My question is, how wrong is it to have that so-called double standard? Is it a double standard at all?

Ambivalence Re: Cell Phones

2006-10-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

It seems the Jewish media have painted cell phones evil.
"The Gedoylim don't use cell phones!"

"What did people do before cell phones?" People ask.

Sometimes I see a whole line of people walking down Avenue J talking on cell phones. And yes, they look funny. But who cares?

Some dorks still get a kick out of the fact that someone talking on a BlueTooth headset looks like he's talking to himself. Why do I not find this amusing?

I find it ironic that Goyish magazines, like Good Housekeeping and the like write articles about cell phone ettiquette, which are valuable. Jewish ones tell you how they ruined society.

I've come to the conclusion that they're both good and evil.
I guess, for the Bais Yaakov kool-aid (Oy, vey, that's the Goyish brand) still in my system, I'll start with the evils:

Now, these "evils" exist because people are rude. They were rude/irresponsible before cell phones, and they are rude now. So, technically, most "evils" are just more manifestations of people's rudeness, not bad aspects of cell phones.
1) They've made people more demanding: If the bagel store didn't have sesame bagels, you;re expected to CALL your friend and tell him/her, rather than just buying him/her plain, and s/he'll deal.
2) In social settings, people text others, and constantly check their phones for new text messages. Umm, is the person you're with BAD COMPANY?
3) People are even less respectful to salespeople by talking to two people at once. When I worked in a store, it was one of my pet peeves. If your friend calls, you'll call her back. Now is not the time for, "So what's up? Yeah, nothing, I'm just shopping. Yeah, there's nothing here. Oh yeah? Did you hear about that? It was sooo cute, hello."
Why can't people use discretion? Answer calls from a parent, or an expected important call. That's it.
4) Drivers don't focus on their driving

As for personal calls on a bus or train: Who cares? They're not in a library. If they want everyone to know that their boyfriend slept with their best friends, that's THEIR problem. If Shprintzy wants the whole Q train to hear about what she's planning to serve her kids, or that Shloimy should make Malkie toast...well, that's her problem. Do I care? Hell, to the N-O. But, hey, what am I doing better on the train anyway? Reading Woman's Day? It's fine. Really.
Same for on the streets. Sometimes I hear such juicy stuff when they pass by, I'm tempted to follow them.

The good:
1) The obvious--emergency situations G-d forbid
2) Keep you entertained when you're waiting for someone, walking somewhere, etc.
3) If you're running late: When my friends will be late, they can call me. When they don't, I can yell at them that they could have.
4) When you meet up with someone, and aren't sure where you are...or if you want to change plans...
5) Free Nights and Weekends
6) Accessible--you try finding a working payphone, and carry Purell everywhere you go in case you do use a payphone
7) If someone's out shopping, and someone at home realizes they need something else, they can call and have him/her pick it up instead of sending people out a million times
8) A built-in watch, calculator, alarm clock, address book and calendar everywhere you go
If you have a camera phone: Serves as a camera and photo album, too.
9) Erev Yom Tov. (can go both ways---too hectic, but convenient all the same)

And, of course, porn. (good for some, evil for others) Which is why cell phones should be assur. Because apparently Lakewood Bachurim don't have access to real porn, ANYWHERE, so they have to resort to 3"x2" images?!! Don't START me on that deal. I've said it before, I'll say it again: If a guy wants porn, he'll get it. He ain't resorting to no miniscule image on a phone that can be found easily by his wife. Puh-leez, people.

You're Not Lost!!

2006-10-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

You've come to the right place. Just a little revamping in honor of my 21st birthday. Enjoy.
Please read the post below, "Um, 'cuz it's freakin' illegal?"
Thanks!

Um, 'cuz it's freakin' illegal?

2006-10-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

In the Jewish Press, on their Teens and Twenties page, there was a letter from a HS student chronicling the unfortunate events in the car on the way to school.

She described how she and her friends illegally fill a car with too many passengers every day and had managed to dogde the police through a few minor accidents. She said that because of these accidents that Thank G-d nobody was hurt, they realized G-d was sending them a message. Therfore, they began to study the laws of Lashon Hora in the car on the way to school, and the situation has improved. Apparently it "worked", so technically, I should stop here. But I won't. I don't know WHAT kind of juicy gossip was going on in there for them to have interpreted the message in that way.

Now, neither of us really is in a position to decide what G-d's reason was for sending these messages,but tell me this:

Did it not dawn on her that perhaps she and her friends should not violate city/state laws daily???

I mean, the kid described the scene of a passanger sprawled out on the dashboard-due to the overloaded car-where she obviously could have ended up dead. ("Ay, but she didn't....?")

Besides our obligation to follow the laws of the land that we are in, we are also obligated to protect our lives. "V'Nishmartem Me'od L'Nafshoseichem" ( or is it "es Nafshoseichem"?)
Don't give me a whole shpiel how they're going to get a Jewish education, or that it would cost more money another way, or that they'd have to sacrifice 15 minutes of sleep or primping everyday. This is safety we're talking about. It's important. And this kid just highlighted why, without knowing it. Why should you be anal about not overstuffing your car? Because of situations like this. Because you don't want yourself/your daughter/your sister/your friend on a dashboard C"V.

What makes this okay?

Riding an overloaded car over highways on a regular basis is by no means safe, legal, or halachically acceptible. And how about Chillul Hashem--what if they are caught one day?

That is just not for my nerves, I tell ya.

Kiruv-again

2006-10-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

As you might recall, I wrote about a call I received from a Kiruv organization inviting me to join them on a shabbaton, befriend a college student I meet over the weekend, and commit to forming a friendship with her, and invite her for Shabbos, etc. After much thought, I said no.

I met a girl working in a local store who had been in my class in Brooklyn College. We got to talking, and discovered that we have the same birthday--same day, same year. And that she's Jewish, too, although I could never tell. When I went to deliver the gift I purchased there, I told her the story ( for some reason, I get excited about someone having the same birthday as mine.) The woman told me to try to be mekareiv her. She suggested I go back to the store on Friday and give her Challah, as a gesture of thanks for her help, and slowly befriend her. I rolled my eyes. This kid, one of the many Jewish Russians in Brooklyn [College], doesn't seem to have any interest in becoming more observant. So I laughed it off. This was a long while ago, and it'd enter my mind when I saw her on campus and waved. Then I'd distract myself. Should I have felt guilty? Is it my responsibility to make this unsuspecting girl frum, because she sold me something?

That's me approaching them. What about if they approach me? Just within the month of Elul, two other Russian Jews approached me in school, asking for guidance. "Michelle," one young woman started, "I just get this feeling that you're the right one person to ask..." and we talked for about an hour, about Judaism, spirituality, and the process of Kiruv. She said that some of her friends became religious, (so technically, I can send her to them for guidance) but I felt like, maybe, just maybe, G-d sent her to me to do something.

Maybe this is my calling. I've been told many times that I'm not what they expect in an Orthodox Jew here. They say I'm more open. I mean, some Jewish girls avoid the topic of Judaism altogether.

In another class, I have two other Russian Jewish friends. One is more interested than the other. Actually, one has shown minimal interest, and the other none. But as Yom Kippur approached, one asked me about a Temple in her area. I didn't know of any. I told her to Google it. I realize now that ideally, I should have googled it for her, and called her with the info, or emailed her- she asked me the class before Yom Kippur.

When we returned, I asked if she had gone to Temple on Yom Kippur, and she told me she hadn't. And I feel guilty. I mean, even if I would have gotten her the info, would she have gone? I don't know.

Do they have to be "pulled in" by someone, or must we wait for their approach? Once they approach us, how far must we go to try to get them to be frum?

(It is too difficult to discuss the issue of how they know for sure that they are Jewish, since many have misconceptions of it going by the mother and not the father...)

Yom Kippur 5767

2006-10-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

Wishing all my readers a meaningful fast, and a hearty Tefillah.

May all our Tefillot be answered L'Tovah.

Next Year in Yerushalayim IY"H

~Michelle :-)

The big questions

2006-09-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

After Rosh Hashana, there are two questions you hear on the streets, and at Yom Tov tables.

1) "What time did you finish shul?"

I'm actually guilty of that one. I ask it all the time. Don't know why, but I care. What's funny is that some people use it as a guage to measure frumkeit. You finished at 2:30? Well, I finished at 3:00, so I'm frummer. I guess the fact that I finished at 1:05 the first day makes me a shiksa.

I was asked another question by many people that I found strange. I don't ask this question, frankly because I couldn't care less about the response.

2) "How was the Ba'al Tokeya? (Shofar Blower) Was the guy good? Did he screw up?"

Why do people care if the Ba'al Tokeya in a particular shul had a hard time? And if they were perfect? It's embarassing. It can be frustrating. Why would people talk about the man not being able to do Tekiya Gedolah? It's Lashon Hora on Rosh Hashana, and it's not even juicy. I mean, if it's juicy, and you get something out of it, that's another story.

3) How was davening?

Dude, no offense, but if I was unable to concentrate for the last hour on the second day because I was so hungry, do you think I'm gonna just tell you? When you ask that question casually, do you want me to answer with a whole meaningful, "I felt so connected...."? and make you feel like a bad person because you were bored?

Okay, so someone can answer, "long." Then you sound like a horrible person who considers Tefillah a waste of time. But hey, it was long. I have a right to say that because I can never sit through a 3-hr movie anyway.

Oh, and FYI, please consider this, shall we say, in jest. Don't take me seriously. It really doesn'tbother me that people ask these things. It's just interesting. That's all.

Happy New Year! And my prediction.

2006-09-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

For those living under a cave, or in a non-secular media environment, there has been a massive recall on Spinach leaves. There was an out-break of e. coli, and a few poeple have died from it. Many are ill.

Sure enough in helping shop for Yom Tov, there was no Spinach to be found on the shelves. Certainly a good thing.

Somehow I just know--trust me--that many Rabbanim (especially in the Yeshivish communities) will have some variation of the following, "Months ago when there was a problem with bug-infested lettuce, not everyone was machmir. They found ways around it. They bought other companies, said that it was from a different state, or justified it in other ways. But now that there's e.coli, nobody will be found eating Spinach leaves. We'd tell you there are Shratzim, it wouldn't matter. But e.coli--ah. So, I can't understand it, (begin singsong tone) when the shratzim aren't good for your neshama, you find a way around it. But when the secular media! Goyim! They tell us there's something wrong with the Spinach. We stay away. What does that tell you about our priorities? Are we thinking with our bodies or our Neshamois! Klal Yisroel must..."

Not poking fun. Just predicting. (That is, unless they don't know about the e.coli, of course)

Anyway, I'd like to wish all my readers a Shana Tova, filled with health, happiness, and spirituality! May we ALL be Zocheh to see the Geulah B'Karov.

Why Israel?

2006-09-20T14:50:00.000-07:00

Amid the recent scandals in the Jewish Community, word on the street about these people, again-not mentioning names-- but those involved in highly pulicized scandals have escaped to Israel to hide out.

Why Israel?

Why not Texas?

I mean, the one time I was in Israel, it was for my cousins Bar Mitzvah. In 4 days there, I saw more people I know than I do on Avenue J. I mean, the whole Flatbush/Boro Park was there. The Plaza hotel? Might as well have been Cafe K. So why do they choose Israel of all places when they need to escape? It's kind of a public place, they'll probably meet a lot of people. Especially if they stay throughout the Holiday season.

Israel is obviously known for its spirituality, right? so they just screwed people over, or whatever the case may be, and now they're going to holiest place in the world? Maybe it's the guilt, so they feel like they have to do Teshuva, and that's the best place to do it. But so soon? And everyone says, "he ran" to Israel, "he's hiding" in Israel.

Where do they stay, anyway? Who pays for the hotel? Can't get an apartment on such short notice. I doubt family would want these "tainted names" in their presence.

Say they would have stayed in NY, or wherever they were from. What would happen? They're ostracized either way. You think they'd get beaten up? I mean, what about the planeride to Israel? I saw so many people I know on the El-Al flight, of course most of them went up the steps, which I thought led to the bathroom. (My mother informed that that was First Class. Before it was too late) I mean, even in coach, these people probably saw others they know. What about the person they sit next to?

Ironically, these are usually people who would avoid Goyim like the plague. Now, they'd probably prefer to sit next to Goyim. They know nothing of the scandal, he hopes.

It's like Garlic Breath--it never goes away

2006-09-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

I entered the Brooklyn College campus the other day, and spotted her from a mile away. The walk. I knew that walk. The hair, oh, yeah, that hair. And the skirt with that length that shouts, "I might as well be wearing pants, but of course I can't, because I'm 'frum'" (Truth be told, I can see the source of resentment. My school hated her more than they hated me, and that is not an enviable position.)

I saw her talking to someone, and walked right past her. Oh, yeah. It was her. I think.

I walked down to the cafeteria, and met a classmate there, "How are ya Michelle?" "Nervous," I responded. "But I just don't know why," I thought aloud. It was not nerves. It was resentment. It was just this feeling that took me back to the insecurities of high school. This girl was hell to me in high school.

When we were in Seminary together, she had the chutzpah to "break the ice" by asking for my notes. "Lemme get this straight," I asked one of the queens of my high school class, "you don't say two words to me since 1996, and now 15 minutes before a test, you want to borrow my notes." "Pretty much," she replied, coldly avoiding the fact that we played together as kids. "Okay," I said, my hands trembling. I handed them to her, and felt I had been whooshed back into high school mode.

Oh, and FYI, short story about the kid--she must have lost something, and asked the crossing guard to find it for her. We walked into the building together (a whole other story) and the crossing guard starting telling her about how she looked for her thing, and that she fell--the kid was just all, "thanks, thank you," and ran away. Didn't wanna give the woman the time of day. She continued to tell me what happened. "I went to find her thing, and then I fell, and I hurt myself, and I was screaming....but this girl, she don't wanna hear nuttin I wanna tell her. She don't care." The whole issue about this woman being mistreated, and many other chinuch issues that ironically take place in the building of Chinuch is for another day. Point here is just to vent about how I don't like this kid, and how she made me feel.

Bawk, Bawk

2006-09-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

As I trudge through my Journalism major in Brooklyn College, I have subscribed to the New York Times, since I am required to read the A and B sections for one class, and the C section for another.

Last week, I picked up a Torah Times for my mother, on the way to the train station. On the way home, she read, "The whole chicken episode in Monsey..." it was foreign to me. "What is he talking about?" I leaned over at a red light. My mother had no idea either. Neither did my father. Until I walked into the house the next day with a New York Times. Hurray, two Chassidim made it into the Metro Section. "Ah-ha! Ma!! Check it out!" I pointed to the article, which makes reference to the blog Vas Is Naies, which received over 400 comments on this topic within 2 hours.

For those like me who have been unaware until now, apparently someone sold Treife chickens to a Supermarket in Monsey, that had the Kosher metal thingies on them. When they were tested for salt, they were rendered Treif. It seems the guy who runs the deal didn't pay his supplier on time, and replaced his Kosher chickens with non-Kosher ones.

A similar situation occured in a Brooklyn take-out store about 1-2 years ago. But I think those chickens were Kosher, not Glatt, or something like that, so it wasn't as dramatic.

So can we trust anyone? What was his motivation? Money? Who was the one behind this, really?

I mean, you go to your kosher supermarket, and just take for granted that what you're buying is kosher. Oh, Gosh, it better not become like the Sheitels--nobody eat chicken anymore because you don't know where it came from, etc.

Can we trust anyone? And What's Next?

"You Never Knooooow..."

2006-09-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Just think of that expression being used by some Yenta from Boro Park or Flatbush. Makes you want to punch someone, doesn't it?

I was "redd" to a guy/young man a while back, by two people, and told them both no. Emphatically. Now, close to 2 years later, the shadchan calls back (and she isn't even the money-hungry type!) and basically talked me into going out with this loser.

Her line of bait? "You never know, he might just be the one..." Now, I don't fall for this. The only problem is that I forgot why I said no in the first place. I remember writing him off because something I had heard. Yet, she shoved that cliche down my throat, and didn't really let me hang up the phone until I said yes.

I knew about halfway through the phone call that this guy was not gonna be "the one." And I was mad at this Shadchan. The guy was barely listening, and had the personality of a doorknob. When someone says no,--TWICE-- even if she can't remember the reason, can you at least trust her?

"But, ay, NO, she might be turning away her Basherte Chas V'Shalom!" Enough of this already. Stop forcing people to go out when they don't want to. I know too many people who have shared this frustration with me.

My favorite is, "you know, there was a couple that I set up 3 times, and they said no all 3 times, and then finally, they said yes, and they're happily married with 3 kids, another on the way..." I have a few answers for that. 1) Okay, so they won the lottery. Should I go buy 10 tickets every day? 2) Happily married according to whom? For all you know, they just got so desperate, they were willing to take whatever they could 3)Every situation is different. Maybe they said no on a basis that is changeable, or something that they realized later is not as important.

I feel that many Shadchanim exploit our vulnerability and exasperation by reminding us that "it just takes one," and of course, "this might just be it."